Winter Snow

I planned to be halfway through an 8 mile at this time. But instead, i'm sitting at the kitchen table with half a plate of unfinished scramble and half a cup of mediocre coffee, bible wide open, listening to piano christmas, soft tree lights warming the room, watching the end of the sunrise.

It should be beautiful (minus the bad coffee) and peaceful and borderline whimsical. I wish i could feel this way. It's advent. The outdoors are cold and crisp, filled with beautiful lines of frozen and stillness. Inside is warm, cozy, decorated in tasteful christmas bliss.

But heart of mine, why are you downcast?

Something in me is stirring, wrestling my restlessness, unsatisfied, giving way to discontentment. What's worse is my head is shaming my defensive heart, a typical downward cycle. I tell myself its okay to feel this way, but if that is some shade of self-forgiveness, it's not working.

Last night was the first night in a while i couldn't give way to sleep. I want to remain in His presence. I want to keep trusting. I want to realign my heart with the Truth that saves, that brings peace, that brings joy, that brings the strength to accept the things the i can't change on my own.

But heart of mine, why are you so hopeless?

One of my all time favorite tracks of all time comes on the radio. He came like a winter snow. Quiet, and soft and slow. Falling from the sky at night to the earth below. It's another version of the message i've been learning over the past months. He's in no hurry, and pays no mind to any human timeframe anyways. In my mind i long for the Lord to come sweeping in my life like a tidal wave or consuming fire, but in my heart I know deep down that the Lord really does work in my life in the quiet, softly, every so slowly. It's not weak or feeble, it's thorough, its refining, its reversing the ruins, it's incredibly frustrating.

He came like a winter snow. Quiet and soft and slow. This white that swirls and covers, changing the landscape, reminding my psyche that seasons do change.

Falling from the sky at night to the earth below. At night, oh this long and scandalous, seemingly endless night. How i need i constant touch, scattering, reminder that the Lord will continue to cover this life of mine.

I wish i felt differently this early morning. I wish i could wish myself to a state where the abundance of questions was well with my soul. But He is a well of abundance, so it can be well.

Today I must drag myself to the well of His goodness. He is the God who sees me, who hasn't abandoned me.

But in the earliness of the morning, i do feel like i'm frozen in this cold. Icy loneliness. Icy worthlessness. Icy hopefulness. The Lord feels distant. Why distant now.

Your voice wasn't in a bush burning. No, your voice wasn't in a rushing wind. It was still, it was small, it was hidden. He came like a winter snow. Quiet, and soft and slow. Falling from the sky at night to the earth below.

By nature, I typically tend to be pretty driven. There has always been an inherent need that typically screams within me to know where i'm headed. To know what i'm about, to know what i'm doing, to be moving onward, forward, in a positive direction. 

As i continue to settle into my life here in Portland however I'm experiencing less and less of such clarity. I find as i look deep into my heart, the only clear cries of my heart are not alined with the timing and rhythm of my life now. For a girl that loves a plan, this has become a steady source of anxiety.

In a world of fast moving and individualistic westerners, successful young business men and women, and young families with beautiful babies, its so to forget my own sense of worth. As a believer, i know my identity doesn't rest in my season of life, my accomplishments, successes, or even my relationships, but rather in the Father. A profound truth, but a truth that is hard to live out in the busyness of all around me. 

This season continues to be one of learning to dream. To stay calm, and quiet, and slow, and sensitive to the sublime of everyday ordinariness. This season for me is not of success and clarity, but rather a gracious uncertainty. The Lord is challenging me to pray big, to learn to dabble, to hope for things that are beyond my control. 

I'm learning to simply "be." I'm learning that sitting in the midst of uncertainty, big questions, a lack of clear direction is actually a very peaceful place. Perhaps its because i'm learning to accept how little power I actually have to arrive where my heart so deeply wants to be...in the center of Gods will for my life - the calling of His ministry set aside for me. To arrive there requires waiting well. Waiting well in joy and hopeful expectation for the 'good things' He has called me to and set aside for me all while living fully present in the moment. . 

There is great joy in this season of uncertainty. This lack of direction and abundance of closed doors has brought freedom, not captivity. In an effort to learn to be and to help cope with the anxiety that does arrive in the small moments, i decided to practically pursue a long time goal of mine - running a full marathon. It's a journey that started years ago, representing so much more than just physical stamina. Its been a journey of healing, promise, beauty, and renewal. While training last week, I spotted a leaf on a branch strongly resembling a heart. It was small, but it reminded me of a God that is pleased to make me His child, who delights in me, that willingly longs for me to share in His great inheritance. It's in this season of gracious uncertainty that I cannot deny the stability and affirmation that comes directly from being in Christ. On its own, it's just a leaf, but for a heart that so desperately needs affirmation that all will be well, it represents a promise of a God who works all things for His glory and my good. 

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And as the holiday season approaches, i again am reminded of Mary who wrestled and lived in so much confusion and uncertainty and question leading up to and after the birth of Jesus.

I wonder if what kept Mary trusting stemmed from Elizabeth's words to her after the Angel appeared, and Mary graciously accepted her calling. Elizabeth admonishes Mary by saying "Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord." (Lk 1.45)

Such a great calling was placed upon her, and with trust and grace she walked in what the Lord had for her. In the peculiarity of it all, from the wiseman, to the barn birth, and the shepherds, the lowly entrance of the King of Kings into the world , scripture says "but Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart" (Lk. 2.19)

The reality is the flourishing, living, action filled, purposeful, and profound plan of our Heavenly Father is happening in the backwardness of our lives, in the hideen, the silent, in the season that feels dark and uncertain. We cannot see, so we do fix our eyes, our pondering hearts, on Jesus who is the author and perfecter of our brokenness, our conqueror, healer, and redeemer. 

In the stillness and smallness of what looks like a dead and motionless season in my own life, I've never been more aware of these realities.

A few little words and pictures

My my new beginning complete with another mom and sister

taking a moment of calm.

i know i've completely failed at that slow down thing over the past couple weeks. Every moment i wanted to sit down and write and detox and simplify and try to find heart in the midst of change...time seemed to melt.

I'm moved. Like i don't live in my little leavenworth anymore. I live in portland. It doesn't seem weird, it just seems normal. Its just been a bit too easy really.

There's a little verse i've just spent the last several days really reflecting on.

"once more Jesus put his hand on the man's eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly"

There is something about being touched by Jesus that makes everything simpler - like we can actually see. Like colors and shapes actually are recognizable and make perfect sense.

There are several colors i can't identify and shapes that don't have names in my own life, and how i need the Lords touch on these areas. Friends. Church. The details of this job. My mission. my calling.

Touch. Sight. Clearly.

I am so grateful for a hope that springs from deep within my soul. It's the goodness of my savior that's left it there, and that fills it there. I am a loved girl who rests secure in the face of such uncertainty.

All done with Enzian. Unemployed for the first time since I was a kid. School ends on Wednesday. I got thrown a curve ball I didn't see coming. I'm not sure if it's right, or if is just foolish. I want to just let myself go with it. It doesn't fit in my neat nice way of the way things go. But I think that's why I like him - not conventional, yet still extremely intentional. It's just so refreshing. I feel funny, and I feel attractive, and I feel a bit more like me than I've felt in a long time. This seems like bad timing.

The way of the Kingdom is rarely easy, often times frustrating, usually difficult, and always best. Best being better than good, and fully satisfying.

I don't understand the timing of all this, but I sense the Lord just smiling at me. I think I'm being served more than I think i'm ready for.

Times are changing. I'm leaving home, and saying hello to a new home. I find it funny that the only job I avoided the connections too happens to be the one job that is calling and I have an interview with. The Lord works in funny ways. I definitely think there is a plan I'm unaware of.

Time to grasp the idea of new goals, new beginnings, and a life in Portland. What work does He have for me?
What blessings?
What people?
Places?
Who does he have for me to be influenced by?
What challenges? Hardships?

I sense more beautiful something.

Well.

Well - Adverb

1

a : in a good or proper manner : justly, rightly

b : satisfactorily with respect to conduct or action <did well in mathematics> <works well under pressure>

2

: in a kindly or friendly manner <spoke well of your idea> <wished them well>

3

a : with skill or aptitude : expertly, excellently <paints well>

b : satisfactorily <the plan worked well>

c : with good appearance or effect : elegantly <carried himself well>

4

: with careful or close attention : attentively <watch well what I do>

5

: to a high degree <well deserved the honor> <a well-equipped kitchen> —often used as an intensifier or qualifier <there are … vacancies pretty well all the time — Listener>

 "...And they brought to him a man who was deaf and had a speech impediment, and they begged him [Jesus] to lay his hand on him. And taking him aside from the crowd privately, he put his fingers into his ears, and after spitting touched his tongue. And looking up to heaven, he sighed and sad to him, "Ephphatha," that is, "Be opened." And his ears were opened his tongue was released, and he spoke plainly. And Jesus charged them to tell no one. But the more he charged them, the more zealously they proclaimed it. And they were astonished beyond measure saying, "He has done all things well. He even makes the deaf hear and the mute speak."


He has done all things well. Jesus, does all things well. Christ in me, the hope of glory, does all things well.

This move, picking up, leaving, starting new. No job, which will turn into new job. Wanting so desperately to be in the position He would have me further the kingdom. New home, new roommates, more family.

He does all things well.

The only appropriate response is for the Lord to open my ears and my heart - to enlarge my faith. He does all things well through willing, believing hearts.

Understood.

 "Nothing makes rest so sweet as toil; nothing renders security so pleasant as exposure to alarms. The bitter quassia cups of earth will give a relish to the new wine which sparkles in the golden bowls of glory. Our battered armour and scarred countenances will render more illustrious our victory above, when we are welcomed to the seats of those who have overcome the world. We should not have full fellowship with Christ if we did not for awhile sojourn below, for He was baptized with a baptism of suffering among men, and we must be baptized with the same if we would share his kingdom. Fellowship with Christ is so honourable that the sorest sorrow is a light price by which to procure it."

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I'm only growing in a strong and steady assurance that my feet are headed in the right direction.  There is something about feeling small in the vastness of buildings and crowds that was actually reassuring. There is more waiting for me than i could possibly want or imagine.

And this next step is to wait in the same strong, steady assurance that the Lord will open the necessary jobs. Picking up and moving to a different state with intention being perminent is difficult. I'm not moving for school to see a similar group of faces everday, i'm not moving for a large social group of friends. I'm taking that step of faith, trusting that all i need will be provided.

I've never trusted like this, never had fewer connections to rely on. I find the fears to be irrationally real. And the Lord keeps placing the question in front of me - Do you trust that I've seen all that's behind, and bring blessing in what's ahead?

My confidence is shaky, but so desperately wanting to be strong.

But as i look back, i start to understand and be assured of this - that I've seen the Lord deliver my life from shaplessness, dark and void, placed my feet on solid ground and patiently continue to give reasons to put a smile back on my face. Life is not dark as it once was, and the light that has come from healing isn't artificially manufactured by busyness. I better understand love, because i better understand brokenness. I understand better the good news of the gospel, because i better understand what it feels to be so lost. I better understand the reality of Christ in me because i better understand what it feels to be so depleted of human strength. My future in Portland brings tears to my eyes because I am able to look and see all that the Lord has walked me through and out of. It's powerful.

He eagerly awaits to richly bless my life as i give him the space in my heart and mind to do so.

So i'm reminded today to slow myself, and take the time to stop and pray and seek and ask the Lord to fill me with His touch. He has great plans, and they are things that i can't even foresee. This unknown is something to be excited about, not feared.

Rejoice my soul, the Lord is near. I pray I grasp part of the vision of how my little life weaves into His great plan to bring His kingdom. I am the daughter of the Most High. So again, rejoice my soul, the Lord is near - I am embraced, and I am understood.

***Congrats to the Ellershaws, and the new addition of little Abigail Grace. So excited to watch all that God has for this little girl

"In the 3rd year of Hoshea son of Elah, king of Israel, Hezekiah the son of Ahaz, king of Judah, began to reign. he was twenty-five years old when he began to reign, and he reigned twenty-nine years in Jerusalem. his mother's name was Abi the daughter of Zechariah. And he did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, according to all that David his father had done. He removed the high places and broke the pillars and cut down the Asherah. And he broke in pieces the bronze serpent that Moses had made, for until those days the people of Israel had made offerings to. He trusted in the Lord, the God of Israe, so hat there was none like him among all the kings of Judah after him, nor among those who were before him. For he held fast to the Lord. He did not depart from following him, but kept the commandments that the Lord commanded Moses. And the Lord was with him; wherever he went out, he prospered. He rebelled against the king of Assyria and would not serve him. He struck down the Philistines as far as Gaza and its territory, from watchtower to fortified city."

I needed this today. I needed more of the story in 2 Kings 20, that as Hezekiah prayed on his death bed, His integrity and faith from the days he walked before changed his fate.

I'm growing. I want this to be my testimony.

Greatness is achieved by childlike faith in the Father.
This is an opportunity to trust. And I want to use it well. I want to pray well, wait well, depend well.

I know these are the testing points - when you don't hold any of the cards. I can walk confidently that He is coming through, or i can worry and take it all in my own hands.






But thankfully there are testimonies like these. That those who trust in the Lord and obediently follow him demolish strongholds and accomplish greatness by His grace, His power, for His glory.










It's a beautiful  challenge today.

fighting whats natural

I’m pretty sure this is called growing up.

There is a strong desire to want to be liked, to be appreciated, and to want to be known by your fellow human beings. I want to be known, and loved within, and not despite of, my imperfections. I want the hard work I do to be appreciated. All I’ve wanted in the last weeks is for that hardwork to be verbalized in genuineness.  

These aren’t wrong things to feel. But they become unhealthy when out of balance.

It’s a good indication that the desire is unbalanced when your blood pressure spikes as others fail to recognize you, or the intensity of “life” in the present moment. Instead of hearing an encouraging “great job” or a sympathetic “ I understand” or, dare I suggest, a helping “how can I come along side you?” we are so often met with disappointment – from ourselves in not having the time or energy to accomplish more, or others whose expectations have not been met. 

Obviously this leads back to boundaries – how well can you say no, how well can you hold to your yes. What things are urgent, what things are not. Even the right things we pursue aren’t encouraged or recognized well. There are a lot of dynamics surrounding the choices of our time.

I don’t like disappointing, and I hate feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps it’s a kickback of watching too many people close to my heart pile more onto their proverbial plate than even a fictional super hero could handle. Super heroes get to bend time, and Jack had 24 hours where minutes seemed to double in length. My observation is that one who piles on the tasks sky high deals with a lot of disappointment from others, and disappointment in themself.  

I don’t want to be a victim to busyness and therefore I tend to detest myself highly when the schedule gets out of hand. This has created another problem in my life that looks and feels like ‘hermitting,’ but that’s another issue to be thought about at a later time.

But I do genuinely believe that life brings seasons, weeks, and days that are crammed full. There are tasks that are assigned to our lives that are difficult and heavy to build character and to test our faith in His strength vs our own. Discerning the difference between what is ‘given’ to us by our Heavenly Father, and what unnecessary battles we fight, with our time and/or emotion is difficult. I strongly believe we fight many losing battles daily that could turn into daily victories if we relied on the Lords leading and strength, trusting him to win the battles. 

Today, the problem is just being flat misunderstood. In trying to balance out my personality, i’m trying to keep to an element of fun instead of intensity wih work, FULL time education, and INTERVIEWING for a potential job. For a girl that really likes doing things well and to their full potential, this week is threatening to kill me. I know the Lord is calling me to stand back and rest. To trust that the Spirit will enable the brains in my head to earn a decent grade an accounting test, to answer interview questions with poise and grace, and to respond genuinely and warmly to needs at work. These aren’t things i do myself. This is an opportunity to let sustaining sufficiency of the Lord flow freely and boldly in my life, and that is my heart’s desire. 

But the enemy is good. Moving is starting to get emotional. It’s digging at the past and challenging my assurance that this is right. When the relationships start to get complicated over petty things the enemy is clearly involved. 

The little girl in me wants to sit down and just cry. Not cry because I don’t want to keep pushing forward, but cry because I know that in this life, I will only continue to be misunderstood. I cry because I’m frustrated, anxious, and vulnerable. Grace for the little failures typically won’t flow from human lips or actions, but by the Father’s hand continually and constantly. You know you are overly emotional about it all when you cry because you realize that God cares about the outfit you wear for the interview even when nobody else really does. He really does. I know my challenge today is to take my eyes off others to recognize how hard I’m working at this season in my life, and fix my eyes on the Father who lovingly shows his affection and appreciation for the hardwork. I have to slow down enough to hear His voice that says “well done.”

And after writing “well done” I know that’s true. And for this moment, it’s enough.

backwards

"When the compassion of Christ is internalized, made personal and appropriated to ourselves, the breakthrough into caring for others occurs. In the mystery of divine wholeness, the way of compassionate caring for others brings healing to ourselves, and compassionate caring for ourselves brings healing to others. Solidarity with human suffering frees the one who recieves it and liberates the one who gives it through the concious awareness "I am the other."
Wether it be a lakeside retreat or the journey of life, our expectations are the greatest obstacle to union with God i the present moment. It is Jesus who writes all the lines, all the words, and all the letters of our lives. Do i really know what is best for m? My vision is so shortsighted, my horizon so limited. Surrender is a practical application of confession-- what we pray each day in the Lord's Prayer, "thy will be done." Abandonment is the triumph of trust in our life." B. Manning.

I hardly ever pick up his book without being deeply encouraged.

I always wondered about that divine connection between extending the compassion of love of Christ to others and the healing that brings to our own souls. Do we give because we can't stand ourselves? Do we give because we have been given too? Or can it, at many times, be both. I believe there is healing of our own brokeness and disapointments as we look to fill the brokeness and lonliness of another. But the key is the heart.

They key is loving out of the love we have been loved with.

It's another window into the past, and in a strange way, perhaps some ounce of answer to the void questions. In His goodness, he allows me to reason with things that rest still.

I know I trust Jesus as far as my feet have taken me. I love Jesus to the greatest degree that i've been broken and experienced His healing. I'm not sure how those that have experienced little heartache grow their heart for Jesus - that isn't a critisim, but an honest question.

I find a reason to rejoice in some of the disappoints that previously marred my own life.  Because out of the depth of hurt flowed a depth of assurance over time that the love of Christ has extended to so much than i could have imagined. I would never not want to deal with issues because of the great joy and freedom radiates from a risen Savior who heals, redeems, and brings new life. I am not particularly gifted, beautiful, eloquent of word or speech. But He is, and there is a great relief to know that i never have to measure to be as much.

So it's with that somewhat backward approach i start to wrap my head around the informal interview i have next week. Kinda backwards, but i think it works.

psalm 126.5, then and now.

It's a little overwhelming really - this thought of moving life, moving my feet to a new place. As i have previously written, there is SO MUCH blessing and excitement in anticipating this new adventure, but there this is the seasons of nothing but sheer details.

I faithfully matched my feet with my words this last week. My current employer now knows that i am officially leaving in June. And it was as a placed that news out there, all the sudden connections are being banked on. This grew my confidence that I am walking in the right direction, and yet selfishly and humanly, i'm still bogged down by fears of little details.

I turned my lamp out last night, ready to call the long day over, and i just felt in my spirit there was more the Lord wanted to share with me.

"This is what the LORD says to his anointed / to subdue nations before him and to strip kings of their armor / to open doors before him so that gates will not be shut: / I will go before you and will level the mountains; / I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of bronze and cut through bars of iron. / I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places/ so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." Isaiah 45

I read these words and heard, knew, was reassured beyond a shadow of a doubt this truth is intertwined with Pslam 126. - those who sow in tears of sorrow WILL reap in joy.

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T"hey that sow in tears shall reap in joy - Though the sowing of seed is a work of labor and sorrow - often a work so burdening the farmer that he weeps - yet the return - the harvest - is accompanied with rejoicing. The truth is expressed in a general form, as illustrating the idea that enterprises which are begun under many difficulties, and which require much labor, will be crowned with success, and that the joy is more than an equivalent for all the weariness and sorrow."

All the long nights spent wondering how and why my life had melted into a formless liquid, I am walking into part of the answer. These times are still BUSY, FULL, and i'm still WAITING on the promise. But there is a total peace that comes from knowing my savior is going before me, that He is leveling the mountains, breaking down gates, cutting through bars, to secure my future. Those treasures of his presence in the darkness, the riches from the secret and unknown seasons of my life...the joy is Himself. He has called me by name, and the future unfolds in His gracious timing, in His gracious way.

The joy is security that wraps around my reality as i look into this unknown future.

The reminder today is to slow down enough, take time out of the busy schedule, so simply watch and see the unveiling of His goodness and power in and over my life.

I am pretty certain that some of the hardest things one can do is create quiet space in the busyness of everday life.

I'm in a place that i understand demand. Full time school, just finished working a 35 hour week, training for half marathon in 2 weeks, attempting to stay on track and finish my bible study, quiet time, and then of course, an attempted social life - real conversations with real individuals i love and adore.

All these things are good for me. My life is being invested in, I'm investing in my own life, I'm able to invest in others. No one would argue that these are good things.

But it's simply not healthy. I do despise the days I've been unable to slow down enough to enjoy the cookie i'm eating, the smell of fresh spring air, or to listen music which resonates in my soul.

I know, another girly thing- i have developed a deep love and appreciation of bubble baths and candles. its simply 20 minutes of calm, where my mind and body relax enough to be fully present in essentially nothing.  I know that the Lord Jesus blesses my bath time (can i say that without it being weird?  I can pray, see, and think with greater clarity. The space of time and calm allows me those things in my life that need to change.

I'm too busy.

"And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith."

To be a perfecter of faith, to be a pioneer, to run with endurance....they all require TIME. 

The reminder of how important it is came again during my work out. Wanting to avoid the cold, and avoid driving to the gym, i decided to do a Jill Michaels DVD. When doing the cool down stretch she insisted on finishing out the last three minutes of the DVD, not becuase i necessarily needed those last three minutes of stretches to feel good the rest of the day, but because "we never take enough time to appreciate the work we do for ourselves." I just heard the Lord speak through her straight to my heart -- just slow down child. The Lord tries to grab out attention in all things...including 6 week 6 pack.

I really do believe that so often i can miss the 'better' in the 'good.' "In quietness and rest"  is our salvation. It is said that learning from past mistakes is the essence of wisdom, and striving to be a person of such character means changes need to be made. I don't want to get to the end of my life and be resentful or regretful of the time i spent 'busy' and not actually enjoying the seasons of life at their present. These are simple words. 

Walking on heels of promise

Girls like shoes. They just do. I don’t think I really understood the shoe thing until recent years. Part of it was because I finally have had a bit more discretionary income, and part of it is because I haven’t had shoes to be particularly partial about in past years. But now, I get it. Athletic, casual or dressy, I just really love a good bargain on quality shoes.
Recently, I purchased a pair of Neutralizers. Now typically, this is brand I shy away from because they tend to look older ladyish and a bit lazy. But there is a reason they are popular, and that is because they actually are super comfortable. Designed with thicker souls and wider heals, they are just an easier shoe to wear for hours on end, especially if you are stuck in pumps for hours.

People don’t wear pumps in Leavenworth. This granola loving, outdoor adventure, Bavarian-wanna be town doesn’t require heels, but rather the trendier commercial crocs and tevas. So the purchase seems a bit illogical on the surface, but really, it was the hardest $15.00 I’ve spent in a while (yes, I did find them on the clearance rack at Macy’s, and then I had a coupon which saved me 79.00J).

I bought the shoes because my heart needs to continue to follow my head. My heart knows its only wise to put further distance between possibilities that are already ridiculous. To place my life in a position where it will be completely repainted in career, friends, church, and landscape opens my life to be touched by the Father because of obedience and surrender . I’ve have been taking steps towards Portland by working on resumes and contacting connections. But I think the fact that I’m terrified to check the replies in my inbox is a window into myself. There is a deep fear whose sound continues to resonate loudly in the chamber of my chest. I know I want my life to change from this season, but taking the steps is difficult and slightly painful.

Over the last several months I’ve developed a deep love for Beth Moore. In one of her books I’m studying she wrote a chapter about what it means to believe. She writes:

In Genesis 15:6, the Hebrew word for “believed is aman, meaning “to make firm…to stand firm, to be enduring; to trust, to believe.” In Romans 4:3, the Greek word for “believed” is pisteuo, meaning “to be firmly persuaded as to something, to believe…with the idea of hope and certain expectation.” It comes from the Greek word pistis, translated into the English word faith throughout the New Testament. As you can see, in both testaments, belief and faith represent the same concept.

That was the first moment that I actually had an urge to run to the tattoo parlor, but then realized that having the word “pistis” may not be the most attractive word you could permanently bleed into your skin.

But it spoke to my heart. 2 Timothy 1:12 says

 “For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I believe and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day”

And the question is then asked; do I actually believe (stand firm in, enduring in, trust in, am firmly persuaded by) the truths that Ive spent months praying? Do I believe (stand firm in, enduring in, trust in, am firmly persuaded by) that God is able to do so much more in my life than I can possibly dream or imagine? Do I believe(stand firm in, enduring in, trust in, am firmly persuaded by) that the risen Lord Jesus is guarding those dear to my heart, and guarding my heart in the process? Do I believe (stand firm in, enduring in, trust in, am firmly persuaded by) that my Savior and King and redeem my life from the nothingness I feel its become, and make it into something I feel is desirable?

Do I believe (stand firm in, enduring in, trust in, am firmly persuaded by) Gods power can secure me a ‘big girl’ job in Portland?

So I bought the shoes. Preparing myself for a future that isn’t seen, but a future I can trust in because I fully believe (stand firm in, enduring in, trust in, am firmly persuaded by) His character.

He is risen, risen indeed. My own lack of faith is covered by his goodness and grace. I have been given new life, and it’s a truth that I want to soak and rest in. What a gracious loving God we have, and these little chapters in my life can be displays of His glory, His loving kindness, and His power.

It is good to draw near this Easter.

Fragile

Its just some practical wisdom.

There are things in myself that are more fragile than i tend to respect, and other areas that i have strength in that i often discount. It's so hard to accurately perceive yourself.

I love this verse in pslams. "He redeems my soul in safety from the battle that i wage, for many are arrayed against me."

He is my redeemer. There is a story to be lived out, redemption being the centralized theme. What is broken is to be restored. This is the good news. The gospel. Jesus being glorified. He redeems our lives from the pit (psalm 103). He is active in my story as i struggle to discern what is it he has for me in this day.

"A crucial part of fleshing out our liberation in Christ means allowing Him to fill the empty places in our lives." Beth Moore knew a thing or two about the process of God redeeming the fragile parts of her life. The redemption of my past isn't channeled through a reconciled, renewed or new relationships. Redemption of this past comes from full satisfaction in Christs fullness. From being in the vine, tasting and seeing that He is good.  That's a shift for me.

I'm being renewed day by day. And it's in this i rejoice. This seemingly helpless story that isn't amounting to much at present isn't being wasted. It's being renewed. [doesn't that sound far nicer].

The Lord wants to satisfy my soul - one of the Hebrew words for satisfy is literally to fill or accomplish the filling of something empty...the act of replenishment as well as satisfaction. He won't fill it with the ultimate 'love' story that involves my own Ryan Reynolds and white dress, but rather with Himself whose love, as David writes, is better than life.

To replenish and satisfy the empty fragile parts of me with Himself.

I smile as i type this, knowing that my God is up to so much more in my life than i am aware. Each day start i look more and more like a woman, but looking into the inner courtyard of my heart, i am a total child. But perhaps this is the way its meant to be.

But oh my divided heart. The Lord is moving me forward, but my heart still yearns for parts of the past. And it's in these moments that melodies and lyrics capture the feelings better than naked words ever could.

simple thoughts

There isn’t much surprise in it.

Its what happens as you move forward. The past prowls its way through around your everyday and reminds you it’s presence, never far. With you and apart of you, yet unpresent. I know, it’s the strangest thing.

One step forward which begs three steps back each time every time. My head knows this is right in every way, my heart knows it too, but still needs some convincing.

It’s really irrational, the way your heart chooses to cling to someone. Something in me keeps going back to the end, back to the grave, bringing my offerings of flowers for memories cherished and gone. I know it’s irrational. I know it doesn’t make sense. But I miss the security, the human belonging, the feeling of being cherished, even if the moments were fleeting.

My head needs to make the decisions right now, and waywardly heart will follow. The days those two elements lack cohesion aren't my best days.

I was relieved when I read this today in 2 kings 4.

"One day Elisha went on to Shunem, where a wealthy woman lived, who urged him to eat some food. So whenever he passed that way, he would turn in there to eat food. ⁹ And she said to her husband, “Behold now, I know that this is a holy man of God who is continually passing our way. ¹⁰ Let us make a small room on the roof with walls and put there for him a bed, a table, a chair, and a lamp, so that whenever he comes to us, he can go in there.

¹¹ One day he came there, and he turned into the chamber and rested there. ¹² And he said to Gehazi his servant, “Call this Shunammite.” When he had called her, she stood before him. ¹³ And he said to him, “Say now to her, ‘See, you have taken all this trouble for us; what is to be done for you? Would you have a word spoken on your behalf to the king or to the commander of the army?’” She answered, “I dwell among my own people.” ¹⁴ And he said, “What then is to be done for her?” Gehazi answered, “Well, she has no son, and her husband is old.” ¹⁵ He said, “Call her.” And when he had called her, she stood in the doorway. ¹⁶ And he said, “At this season, about this time next year, you shall embrace a son.” And she said, “No, my lord, O man of God; do not lie to your servant.” ¹⁷ But the woman conceived, and she bore a son about that time the following spring, as Elisha had said to her."

I really do love this. Something about God working despite our belief that he can accomplish in us what we cannot will in ourselves. That God still has his ways and blesses our lives despite unbelief. That in the kingdom of God faithfulness and righteousness counts for more than a lot, and there is blessing in simply being obedient, thoughtful, kind, and caring.

There’s a question posed in this passage that only echo’s Jesus’ words in the new testament…”what is to be done for you?” Street language, what.do.you.want?

I think I know my answer. I want the ashes redeemed. I know that's a bold statement to make, but the more I discover about my heavenly Father, i smile because he defined bold. I wonder if the Lord smiles when we boldly ask for things in our lives that align with his character. Perhaps there is a a bit of an excitement because we actually are scratching the surface of who He is.

I suppose sometimes there are times in your life that you have to react without really knowing why. To simply stay still and think and wait isn't an option anymore.

I've sensed for sometime it's time. Being here is far less lucrative when working out the bigger picture. I'm not sure why i've stayed here for this long - I've been waiting. waiting for the dreams of my heart to take shape, or waiting for life to plant a new dream. either way, neither has happened. I have my scars and my stories to reflect on. The ashes promise beauty, but for now they speak of questions without answers, motives that can't be interpreted, sincerity in smiles and conversations that played my heart and left me teary eyed and cynical.

It wasn't a dramatic moment, but rather a calm certainty that it's time to place my life where i am open to a new reality - where i can actually dream a new dream or where i can stumble across new loves of my life.

I think that's the best way to describe what happened before. I never planned Capernwray, and certainly never planned Brady. Those were two things in my life i stumbled on, and realized i was right where i needed to be weeks and months later. I wonder if that's how much of my life will work. I'm not ambitious, I don't have big dreams. I'm not necessarily certain of who i am or where i'm headed. The Lords plans find me, and most of the time I'm oblivious to it.

portland.rain.umbrella.city.traffic.newbeginnings.

I'm stepping out in faith, trusting that the Lord has bigger things planned for me than i could ever hope for or imagine. I have peace. 

unrest

it's so difficult to discern between a restlessness that comes from some form of discontent or the restlessness that comes from the Lord who purposefully is trying to move you forward into something out.

I am restless. But to be fair, it's a bad time to examine this. Finals...Baby....not-sure-how-to-deal-with-that situations...my body is freaking out a bit.

The only thing i can do tonight is lay my head on the pillow, resting in knowing that the Lord is so aware of my wrestling heart and its dreams. The reality is that i'm so young and naive on so many levels. I feel less of an adult, and more of a kid. To abide in Him means to hold onto nothing else, but to be fully in His presence.

I'm restless, but God is in the restlessness.

A bit about love.

"To believe means to realize not just with the head but also with the heart that God loves me in a creative, intimate, unique, reliable and tender way. Creative: out of His love i came forth; through His love I am who I am. Intimate: His love reaches out to the deepest in me. Unique: His love embraces me as I am, not as I am considered to be by other people or supposed to be in my own self-image. Reliable: His love will never let me down. Tender..

Tenderness is what happens to you when you know you are deeply and sincerely liked by someone. If you communicate to me that you like me, not just love me as a brother in Christ, you open up to me the possibility of self-respect, self-esteem and wholesome self-love. Your acceptance of me banishes my fears. My defense mechanisms -- sarcasm, aloofness, name-dropping, self-righteousness, giving the appearance of having it all together -- start to fall. I drop my mask and stop disguising my voice. You install self-confidence in me and allow me to smile at my weaknesses and absurdities. The look in your yes gives me permission to make the journey into the interior of myself and make peace with that part of myself which i could never find peace before. I become more open, sincere, vulnerable and affectionate. I too grow tender." - Brennan Manning

---

I have never read a clearer description of what falling in love looks like. The vulnerable, exciting, sickening thrill of it all. There is freedom in the Lord, there is safety in His arms.

"For you are my hiding place; you protect me from trouble. You surround me with songs of victory." psalm 32

it's coming together.

She'd trade Colorado if he'd take her with him
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
She's answered by the tail lights
Shining through the window pane

He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
She said you're ramblin' man
You ain't ever gonna change
You gotta gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'

At a truck stop diner just outside of Lincoln,
The night is black as the coffee he was drinkin',
And in the waitress' eyes he sees the same 'ol light shinin',
He thinks of Colorado
And the girl he left behind

He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
She said you're ramblin' man
You ain't ever gonna change
Got a gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'(born for leavin')

Well it's a winding road
When your in the lost and found
You're a lover I'm a runner
We go 'round 'n 'round
And I love you but I leave you
I don't want you but I need you
You know it's you who calls me back here

Oh I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
Cause I'm a ramblin' man
I ain't ever gonna change
I gotta gypsy soul to blame
And I was born for leavin' (born for leavin')

And when I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
I'm with your ghost again
It's a shame about the weather
I know soon we'll be together
And I can't wait till then
I can't wait till then

A song of encouragement . It will all be made right.

Stand on the shores of a site unseen
The substance of this dwells in me
Cause my natural eyes only go skin deep
But the eye's of my heart anchor the sea
Plumbing the depths to the place in between
The tangible world and the land of a dreams
Because everything ain't quite as it seems
There's more beneath the appearance of things
A beggar could be king within the shadows,
Of a wing

And wisdom will honor everyone who will learn
To listen, to love, and to pray and discern
And to do the right thing even when it burns
And to live in the light through treacherous turns
A man is weak, but the spirit yearns
To keep on course from the bow to the stearn
And throw overboard every selfish concern
That tries to work for what can't be earned
Sometimes the only way to return is to go,
Where the winds will take you

And to let go, of all, you cannot hold onto
For the hope, beyond,the blue

Yellow and gold as the new day dawns
Like a virgin unveiled who waited so long
To dance and rejoice and sing her song
And rest in the arms of a love so strong
No one comes unless they're drawn
By the voice of desire that leads em' along
To the redemption of what went wrong
By the blood that coveres the innocent one
No more separation
Between us.

So lift your voice just one more time
If there's any hope may it be a sign
That everything was made to shine
Despite what you can see
So take this bread and drink this wine
And hide your spirit within the vine
Where all things will work by a good design
For those who will believe

And let go, of all, we cannot hold onto
For the hope, beyond, the blue
Said i let go, of all, i could not hold onto
For the hope, i have, in you
-----

Sometimes i just get so excited for heaven.

part of the model

Excellent conversation with lindsinator today.

It was an excellent day at looking at life, and what's important. When talking about the 'why's' of relationships, specifically in the 'whys' and the 'hows' of them not working (assumed on the limited level of understanding and insight we have), we got on the topic of rejection. And of course, you can't talk about rejection without talking about love.

It struck me through the conversation at how incredibly similar the model of loving another person is, and how Jesus loved us. This is, of course natural. If two people genuinely love each other (to the fullest meaning of love [sacrifice]), then things work. There is room to growth, room for grace, room for failure, all humanistically speaking. But just as Jesus, who gave His life up for each of us, part of love is opening yourself up to rejection. And rejected Jesus was.

I would argue that to be rejected is the deepest form of betrayal. There is nothing less invalidating than to be told you 'are not enough,' and then to be left.

There's an interesting little verse in 1 peter that means something a bit different to me now:

^"Above all, love each other deeply,  because love covers over a multitude of sins"

The amplified says

"Above all things have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins [forgives and disregards the offenses of others]."

I wonder if there is a connection between loving deeply, and forgiving wholly. I wonder if i can count it as a grace that i can forgive, and remain thinking well of, wishing the best for, dare i say loving, my previous counterpart, and not be bitter. Despising the other person may seem easier in the short run, but i wonder if loving deeply is the only way to cover rejection. Its easy to love a person for all they do right, it's difficult to love someone in the midst of all they do wrong, and the wrong they do to you. 

It's just interesting to me. If Jesus risked rejection, than naturally our love would imply a risk of rejection. If Jesus told us to 'love deeply' for it' covers sin,' and His love is the pinnacle and definition of deep love, then perhaps this is the way we forgive the scars and stories in the deep places we'd rather remain hidden and forgotten. 

To love is to risk. To try and fly if you will. If you crash, hello broken. If love succeeds, it changes everything. But to fly or crash changes everything - you world view is severely altered for good, for bad, or maybe for a bit of both.

That may not be right, but it is a thought. Praise Jesus when all is said and done, and we stand in His presence where none of this earthly pain or pondering matters, it will all be well. If we suffer, we suffer for the sake of Christ, and that is achieving eternal glory for those who believe.  That is good news, and that is great hope.

those boys.

*sigh.

Hello end of week. It seemed like this week started years ago. Friday is now about to go, and Saturday...and Sunday...and then....MIDTERMS. Yuck.

The week has been long, but it's been so rich. The Lord has really done quite a bit of healing in my heart - it's been long coming, and it had never been needed more. I got through without tears of brokenness, and there were several notable instances that i truly felt i had a bit of a 'sparkle' going on again. Turning 24 was more exciting than depressing, and that was by God's grace to me.

I am confident that the Lord has something in store for me that is formatted around missions, and with that knowledge, waiting is far more comfortable. I don't feel panicky, like life slipping, slumping, away. Or maybe it's just been the really great weather this last week - either way, still a huge blessing from God.

I felt it was a notable step forward when i still felt this peace when the hiccup came yesterday. My econ teacher, bless his heart, sometimes makes comments about hurtful relationships and heartbreak that just reside so strong with me. It's like he looks around the room, sees insecurity, and points it out in an effort to make each of us deal with it. Love that man, struggle with the man. Studying for his midterm makes my head hurt, and sometimes listening to his lectures makes my heart hurt.

Some of the comments just crawl under my skin, and there they stay, irritating me. They are silly things, but I have hard time shaking the insignificance i feel whenever i mentally approach my past. Its far less emotional with each passing day,  and much more rational. I'm far away enough from 'feelings,' but that doesn't mean i'm not female. I compartmentalize, but i know i don't like men do.

I know i' never going to 'get' it. It is what it is. But it just saddens, and confuses me, at how one person can love another person out of a depth of love that still longs for their absolute best regardless of costly rejection and pain, and yet the receiving end easily moves on without questioning it. It dumbfounds me really, and i mean that so literally.The fact that i've made such little headway in understanding this in the last several years leads me to draw two conclusions: 1) i'm stuck on the wrong statement and 2) i need to be so grateful that the Savior uses this to keep me small. The lesser I am the greater He is, and the more these things make sense because they become insignificant. Being dumbfounded should keep me humble...i'm letting Him work on it. *sigh, i'm a hopeless case, but He doesn't relent. 

I suppose the encouragement is, if i can so bodly contrast the last point with the following, I can see and appreciate my own maturity - I understand the importance of holding onto relationships loosely, waiting for commitment to for in a natural time instead of hastening it along with both feet dipped in. There is something to be said, especially as a female, to WAIT and let HIM PROVE what his intentions are. The great part of being a woman? i can, with confidence, wait, and then take it or leave it. That's not the same thing as stringing a poor feller along - i would argue that is a woman wisely discerning between a man of words, and a man of his word. A man can make honoring decisions and yet not be honorable in character. Men are tricky to discern.

The idea of a functional, almost mechanical, in the early stages almost sounds refreshing. Attraction and "sex" (broadly construed) makes commitment so confusing - I commit with my heart and the boys i know, from work to the gym, commit...well...with their eyes. And their eyes aren't necessarily spending the majority of their time looking at my character or my 'lovely' heart. *sigh, i'm not bitter....i just find it unfortunate. They have absolutely no idea how that makes women feel. They have no idea the scars their power/words/intentions bring. From casual friends to romantic partners, i just think they have so little idea how brutal they can be.

I'm all about the physical relationship (much more than i should be), but i'm not about that lack of commitment that seems to trail behind. I love french fries and chocolate cake, but after i've indulged enough, it simply doesn't hold the attraction power to keep me from moving on to doughnuts and cheese-its. And that's coming from a girl.

I know i long to be known and be appreciated, and for whatever reason those insatiable miserys have left me alone. There is a new song in my life - that's how i know i'm getting out of the pit of despair and hopelessness - i know that i know that i know the Lord is here, and his plan for my life is not distant.

Time for ramblings to end, and bedtime. I'm exhausted, so ready for sleep, but really, truly happy in a way i haven't been in so long.

Birthday gifts

A last thought as I lay my head to sleep in preparation for this blessed test tomorrow:

I am confident of this: I will see the goodness of God in and through this season. I am moving forward, even if it involves some steps back. The shreds of my past that I still treasure are being released from clutched fists. The Lord will renew what's been broken, if not this side of heaven, then the next.

What a crazy thought...God renewing and redeeming my life from the hopelessness it was.

Scripture says those that look to The Lord are radiant. I may not be radiant this evening after scrubbing my make-up away, but I am more certainly hopeful, and genuinely happier than I've been in sometime. Friends, if I've been lifted out of my pit of despair, if even for the day, it is to the Lord's credit. He is faithful.

I best be fast in this update because tomorrow is long, and this day still has yet to end as it leaks into my tomorrow.

Where does my time go? I miss the days i used to not struggle with this problem.

Beautiful thought from Beth Moore this evening: "God always cares more for our freedom than even we do." Whatever the captivity, whatever the pit, he is more concerned with getting us out of that place and into freedom and wholeness than I could ever be for myself.

I praise the Lord that for the last couple days the darkness has started to lift, and it is with that, i fear for the pending darkness tomorrow. There is a hope in me that is living and new, even though it is still surrounded by the darkness of uncertain circumstances.

It's been a long journey in which the Lord has been preparing me to stand in a place of complete openness - although my heart still loves and is deeply concerned for the things of the past, i feel fully peaceful to leave them as they are and step towards a different direction.

It's time to pursue missions again - and as best i can see, missions as i've never experienced. I do enjoy learning, i enjoy my classes, but the more the more my professors remind me that i'm 'using' them for a college degree (ultimately higher paying jobs), my longing for a different life groans.

My father recently challenged me to paint a picture of what 'missions' meant to me. It's been difficult for me to conceptualize because i don't see how they would all connect, but none the less, this would be my request

1) Living in a community that involves one on one relationships. The paul-timothy thing - someone to be taught by, someone to teach.
2) Children. Loving little babies and orphans - literally and figuratively.
3) A place to provide for the needy - spiritually, mentally, emotionally.
4) A ministry that i can have and raise a family in.
5) Where i can be involved in administration, secretarial work, and relationship at the same time. Call it a Sue Gilmore.
 

The Lord knows my heart. I love the imagery in psalm 103; "For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more."

But the hope...

..."But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him..."

---

there is more working for me than against me (2 kings 6). He knows my frailty, my weakness. He knows the deepest longing of my heart, the spots the love extends wide, and the spots the love simply doesn't extend at all. He knows my future, and I am coming to a place of believing for the first time that when He said He has a purpose and a plan, He meant me. He MEANT ME.

And it is with that freedom from the captivity of hopelessness, i want to reach out to my neighbor, to the girls i work with to assure them that there is LIVING hope. And the living hope lives within my heartbreak.

How i miss brt and his companionship. But i know the Father continues to use this heartbreak for my good and His glory.

The Lord knows my frame. The Lord knows my future.

So here is the knocking i have begun - Israel? Guatemala? Africa? Lord, open the doors that no man can shut! I'm want to see your glory!

growth

I'm seeing the healing in my own life. I'm sensing a change. There is a new song in my mouth, a new praise to the Lord -- Oh how my soul has needed this for so long.

Brokenness is a gateway to healing and wholeness. There is something about coming to the proverbial end, something about realizing that i can't, and shouldn't try, to 'move forward'. In this instance, the despair contrasts the light - I grasp the hope to which i'm called because I've grasped hopelessness.

I am becoming more comfortable within my own insatiable desires that are relentless. My heart seems to constantly gravitate for chapters that are closed, doors that are shut. This is a battle I am constantly battling. But it's a good fight, because the fight is for faith that the Lord has more for me than against me (2 kings 6).He knows my heart, knows i'm prone to wander, knows that i'm frail, insecure, and longing for a life more fulfilled than what i'm living.

I was challenged last week to look; to open my eyes and serve beyond the 'emotional' means. I looked, and the devastation has moved me this week. From my new homeless friend Cheryl, to pain of separation of my friends, it's devastating.

My pain, their pain, the pain the world heaves full of, all reveal the neediness of relief and healing. Thankfully, He heals all of diseases, redeems our lives from the pit (psalm 103).

How grateful i am that in my pain, in my neighbors pain, He has given us a firm place to stand (psalm 40). There is a desire in me for Him to come quickly -- to right the wrongs, to bring wholeness, and, most importantly, restore our relationship with the Father that will no longer be plagued by sinful heart. How beautiful is the good news - that even these things will one day come to pass.

Nothing has changed today. In a lot of ways, it's another normal morning -- rise, school, gym, work, eat, bed. But today, I believe that the Lord is so near. My broken heart is being mended. The snow is melting outside, my heart is thawing. I don't sense a direction, but i have a security that is growing in strength that my life is renewed from what it's been. There's a softness of heart that longs to forgive, and be forgiven.

The Father will accomplish his purposes in our lives - and His purpose for me, right now, today, in the Library, 7:50am, is to simply stay soft and obedient to what He his work in and through my life.

It really is a beautiful day.

in the downpour

I hear it. In songs. In conversation. In the middle of Econ 202, in Jim Cannons sarcastic, cynical comments. I hear it when i put foot on the bus at 6:32 am. I heard it today when i drove my car down icy streets.

Be still. Don't look to the left, or to the right. Be still. Let the Lord fight for your worth, your purpose. Be still.

Stones. They are still. The Lord brought water out of the rocks in the past.

This hopelessness is drowned out when compared to the God of all history. "From the beginning"...From creation, to the prophets, to the Word, to birth and life of Jesus, to conquering death, overcoming hell, and rising victorious. To the right hand of the Father. There is nothing beyond His control, and praise be to God that includes my hopelessness, directionlessness.

There are streams in the desert.They are small streaks of water right now, but they are there.

The Lord is frustrating any plans, calling me to deeper trust. So what can i do in the meantime?

Learn to love the ordinary. The small. The laughter and giggles in friendship. The ability to run, lift weights, enjoy the physical world around me. Buy nail polish, and write letters. Eat a whole chocolate bar, watch a movie. Bless others. And perhaps most importantly for me, give to others.

After the last 'melt down' i finally got a bit of a reality check. It was a conviction i haven't yet before experienced. conviction that the tears and the panic are flat selfish. This seasons of unpleasant loneliness is, indeed, part of the plan. Its to my disdain, but it is to my benefit.

So i finish this evening with a glass of wine, and a hopeful prayer that tomorrow will bring the clarity to my heart/life i desperately pray for, and a touch to dismantle the cold feelings of loneliness.

There is much more working for me than against. My yesterday is gone, i need to stop looking at its failures. Tomorrow is ahead, bright and beautiful in it's own unexpected way. Yesterdays has a history that has left me changed, and holds questions that, as best i can tell, will never have answers. But i am certain i don't want my disapointment to color my view of brt, nor the pain caused cheapen my self confidence. The reality is broken and hurt people will hurt and break people. I do it, just as everyone else does. There is grace and forgiveness that is sufficient to cover all things. Sufficient because it doesn't come from the deep places of me, but because it is overflowing from the Father.

I feel more free tonight than i have in a long time.

*sigh. Ready.

The Lord is working on my heart in this state of hopelessness.

It's in the quiet, early hours this morning that the Lord has drawn near. There are places in my heart He is touching, but the healing is slow and the thoughts painful. I feel abandoned, but He hasn't left me. I feel worth-less, and rejected, and doubtful that my life will ever feel fulfilling. And yet, He promises He is doing a new thing. There are streams in this desert, and they do make glad the way of the Lord.

Today, i trust there are greater things ahead. Today I choose to think well of and hope good things for a person, that if i'm honest, i want to suffer for the decisions he made. I didn't know i could be capable of feeling that way about someone else, but if i'm real and raw and honest with myself, i do feel rays of resentment towards him. The Lord knew these things before i did, and it's His faithfulness that draws the ulginess out.

He's working on me.


----

“Your whole spirit . . . .” The great, mysterious work of the Holy Spirit is in the deep recesses of our being which we cannot reach. Read Psalm 139 . The psalmist implies— “O Lord, You are the God of the early mornings, the God of the late nights, the God of the mountain peaks, and the God of the sea. But, my God, my soul has horizons further away than those of early mornings, deeper darkness than the nights of earth, higher peaks than any mountain peaks, greater depths than any sea in nature. You who are the God of all these, be my God. I cannot reach to the heights or to the depths; there are motives I cannot discover, dreams I cannot realize. My God, search me.”

Do we believe that God can fortify and protect our thought processes far beyond where we can go? “. . . the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin” (1 John 1:7). If this verse means cleansing only on our conscious level, may God have mercy on us. The man who has been dulled by sin will say that he is not even conscious of it. But the cleansing from sin we experience will reach to the heights and depths of our spirit if we will “walk in the light as He is in the light” (1 John 1:7). The same Spirit that fed the life of Jesus Christ will feed the life of our spirit. It is only when we are protected by God with the miraculous sacredness of the Holy Spirit that our spirit, soul, and body can be preserved in pure uprightness until the coming of Jesus-no longer condemned in God’s sight.
We should more frequently allow our minds to meditate on these great, massive truths of God.

Well.

Here is to another quarter, another start, another beginning, another new year.

It's an interesting feeling, trying to describe the rolling thunder and silent calm that coexsist in my chest. I am peaceful knowing that life is returning to a routine, but i am restless. I miss my room, my bed. I am restless to start a new year - restless and longing for things to look so drastically different from what the've been.

The Lord is doing a new thing. It's true because scripture said it is. I cling to this, not necessarily convinced in the depth of me it's true, but desperately wanting it to be.

I tried my best to reason with the Lord in the shower with my tears - begging Him to do a new thing in me. I'm not sure it was as much spiritual as much as it was selfish. I'm ready for the ending of old things, and the heartache that came with them, to rest, and for fresh starts to begin. I'm ready to be done with this fire, this aloneness. I hope for things to change, pray and beg for it, yet all the while terrified circumstances will not change for the better.

What is the plan Lord? I really want to run from this place and into what's next. How much longer? Have I been faithless? If i've been faithful, than be near, and save me from all this distress, this rolling thunder.

I believe He has good things. But i wonder, like so many in my place, if His 'goodness' will extend to the ache in me. If His goodness means the healing and redeeming of my spirit and my heart. And if so, will this take months, or will it take years?

" Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.  "

I'm ready to test. i'm just not sure how.