calm waters

I hate standing at the printer, with a full library of people staring through your back, waiting for pages that never come. The problem is that to press print isn't enough. I knew that, so before i left my computer, i waited for pop up that requested my printer preferences. What i didn't know was that the computer asks you, for a third time, if you would like to print. Apparently the first time wasn't enough.
The awkward librarian is now at my side, making my already awkward self feel much more awkward in the process. She walks me back to my computer, points out the error, and then informs me that it will expense 2 dollars from my student account for 15 pages.

I've wanted to blog for a long time. Journaling turns into private prayers, and i often struggle to find the time and energy to handwrite thoughts and questions that come into everyday life. So this is my new and fresh start at something my heart has been prompting me to do for sometime.

The 'failure to print' scenario seems to sum up much of my life. In a quest to be efficient, purposeful, and intentional, i seem to be perpetually disorganized, 3 steps behind at best, and really tired. Much of it is attributed to busyness these days. Between school, work, the travel between, homework, an attempted social life, and tending to the matters of the heart, my time always seems pressed. If time were money, i'm not doing well at saving. Its in the busyness I miss the important questions, the clarifying points, the details in the margins.

Matters of the heart are heavy these days. Its strange how confusion and heartache weigh each step as i walk the hall, in the building, on the college campus i attend. Its strange to not even remember that buildings name when i've sat in its classrooms going on 5 weeks now. Emotional heaviness leaves you exhausted and inhibits short-term memory. I know i will remember that buildings name forever as soon as i see it tomorrow.

Nothing is more damaging to the human spirit than the kind of confusion that snuffs out hope and looms darkly over uncertain future. These are the days i walk in. The thought in my head at the end of this day, which i know is good gift from my loving Father in heaven is this:

The circumstances of the last year explain my deep insecurity, my feeling of disillusionment, my inability to focus on the hear and now long enough to respond to text message or return a phone call. My past explains my present, but my feelings in this moment don't define me. For some this may seem simple and obvious, but the profoundness of it moved me to tears. I'm feeling boundaryless, overly busy, and tired. But this isn't who i am.

The simple truth is that i am deeply loved, holy, chosen, the daughter of the risen Lord Jesus. What defines me doesn't come from my circumstances, doesn't come from the prospects of my future, doesn't come from how i'm feeling today. There is warmth that comes from my soul all because of the cross. I am saved from myself, and that means today.

Lake Stehekin, WA

If Jesus wept, then its foolish of me to think that i can or should dry my tears, pull myself up from my bootstraps, stay calm and carry on. There is a time to weep, and if Jesus took the time to do it, i can take the time to.

I hear Him tugging at my heart. Not in a demanding or begging kind of way. Its a simple invitation to quiet myself just long enough to escape to the calm waters, the green pastures.
Blessed are those whose strength is in the Lord, who have set their heart on pilgrimage (psalms 84). Return to your rest oh my soul, for the Lord has been good to you (psalm 116).

All these light and momentary troubles fade away in stillness. But the question remains, will i return to the water and drink deep from His presence? My spirit is willing, but today my flesh is so weak.
So often faith holds stronger to me than I to it. The warmth, the safety, the security, the hope remains when all of my lights go out. And that my friends is the goodnews of the gospel.