I planned to be halfway through an 8 mile at this time. But instead, i'm sitting at the kitchen table with half a plate of unfinished scramble and half a cup of mediocre coffee, bible wide open, listening to piano christmas, soft tree lights warming the room, watching the end of the sunrise.
It should be beautiful (minus the bad coffee) and peaceful and borderline whimsical. I wish i could feel this way. It's advent. The outdoors are cold and crisp, filled with beautiful lines of frozen and stillness. Inside is warm, cozy, decorated in tasteful christmas bliss.
But heart of mine, why are you downcast?
Something in me is stirring, wrestling my restlessness, unsatisfied, giving way to discontentment. What's worse is my head is shaming my defensive heart, a typical downward cycle. I tell myself its okay to feel this way, but if that is some shade of self-forgiveness, it's not working.
Last night was the first night in a while i couldn't give way to sleep. I want to remain in His presence. I want to keep trusting. I want to realign my heart with the Truth that saves, that brings peace, that brings joy, that brings the strength to accept the things the i can't change on my own.
But heart of mine, why are you so hopeless?
One of my all time favorite tracks of all time comes on the radio. He came like a winter snow. Quiet, and soft and slow. Falling from the sky at night to the earth below. It's another version of the message i've been learning over the past months. He's in no hurry, and pays no mind to any human timeframe anyways. In my mind i long for the Lord to come sweeping in my life like a tidal wave or consuming fire, but in my heart I know deep down that the Lord really does work in my life in the quiet, softly, every so slowly. It's not weak or feeble, it's thorough, its refining, its reversing the ruins, it's incredibly frustrating.
He came like a winter snow. Quiet and soft and slow. This white that swirls and covers, changing the landscape, reminding my psyche that seasons do change.
Falling from the sky at night to the earth below. At night, oh this long and scandalous, seemingly endless night. How i need i constant touch, scattering, reminder that the Lord will continue to cover this life of mine.
I wish i felt differently this early morning. I wish i could wish myself to a state where the abundance of questions was well with my soul. But He is a well of abundance, so it can be well.
Today I must drag myself to the well of His goodness. He is the God who sees me, who hasn't abandoned me.
But in the earliness of the morning, i do feel like i'm frozen in this cold. Icy loneliness. Icy worthlessness. Icy hopefulness. The Lord feels distant. Why distant now.
Your voice wasn't in a bush burning. No, your voice wasn't in a rushing wind. It was still, it was small, it was hidden. He came like a winter snow. Quiet, and soft and slow. Falling from the sky at night to the earth below.
