"To believe means to realize not just with the head but also with the heart that God loves me in a creative, intimate, unique, reliable and tender way. Creative: out of His love i came forth; through His love I am who I am. Intimate: His love reaches out to the deepest in me. Unique: His love embraces me as I am, not as I am considered to be by other people or supposed to be in my own self-image. Reliable: His love will never let me down. Tender..
Tenderness is what happens to you when you know you are deeply and sincerely liked by someone. If you communicate to me that you like me, not just love me as a brother in Christ, you open up to me the possibility of self-respect, self-esteem and wholesome self-love. Your acceptance of me banishes my fears. My defense mechanisms -- sarcasm, aloofness, name-dropping, self-righteousness, giving the appearance of having it all together -- start to fall. I drop my mask and stop disguising my voice. You install self-confidence in me and allow me to smile at my weaknesses and absurdities. The look in your yes gives me permission to make the journey into the interior of myself and make peace with that part of myself which i could never find peace before. I become more open, sincere, vulnerable and affectionate. I too grow tender." - Brennan Manning
---
I have never read a clearer description of what falling in love looks like. The vulnerable, exciting, sickening thrill of it all. There is freedom in the Lord, there is safety in His arms.
"For you are my hiding place; you protect me from trouble. You surround me with songs of victory." psalm 32
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
it's coming together.
She'd trade Colorado if he'd take her with him
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
She's answered by the tail lights
Shining through the window pane
He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
She said you're ramblin' man
You ain't ever gonna change
You gotta gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'
At a truck stop diner just outside of Lincoln,
The night is black as the coffee he was drinkin',
And in the waitress' eyes he sees the same 'ol light shinin',
He thinks of Colorado
And the girl he left behind
He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
She said you're ramblin' man
You ain't ever gonna change
Got a gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'(born for leavin')
Well it's a winding road
When your in the lost and found
You're a lover I'm a runner
We go 'round 'n 'round
And I love you but I leave you
I don't want you but I need you
You know it's you who calls me back here
Oh I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
Cause I'm a ramblin' man
I ain't ever gonna change
I gotta gypsy soul to blame
And I was born for leavin' (born for leavin')
And when I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
I'm with your ghost again
It's a shame about the weather
I know soon we'll be together
And I can't wait till then
I can't wait till then
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
She's answered by the tail lights
Shining through the window pane
He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
She said you're ramblin' man
You ain't ever gonna change
You gotta gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'
At a truck stop diner just outside of Lincoln,
The night is black as the coffee he was drinkin',
And in the waitress' eyes he sees the same 'ol light shinin',
He thinks of Colorado
And the girl he left behind
He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
She said you're ramblin' man
You ain't ever gonna change
Got a gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'(born for leavin')
Well it's a winding road
When your in the lost and found
You're a lover I'm a runner
We go 'round 'n 'round
And I love you but I leave you
I don't want you but I need you
You know it's you who calls me back here
Oh I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
Cause I'm a ramblin' man
I ain't ever gonna change
I gotta gypsy soul to blame
And I was born for leavin' (born for leavin')
And when I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
I'm with your ghost again
It's a shame about the weather
I know soon we'll be together
And I can't wait till then
I can't wait till then
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
A song of encouragement . It will all be made right.
Stand on the shores of a site unseen
The substance of this dwells in me
Cause my natural eyes only go skin deep
But the eye's of my heart anchor the sea
Plumbing the depths to the place in between
The tangible world and the land of a dreams
Because everything ain't quite as it seems
There's more beneath the appearance of things
A beggar could be king within the shadows,
Of a wing
And wisdom will honor everyone who will learn
To listen, to love, and to pray and discern
And to do the right thing even when it burns
And to live in the light through treacherous turns
A man is weak, but the spirit yearns
To keep on course from the bow to the stearn
And throw overboard every selfish concern
That tries to work for what can't be earned
Sometimes the only way to return is to go,
Where the winds will take you
And to let go, of all, you cannot hold onto
For the hope, beyond,the blue
Yellow and gold as the new day dawns
Like a virgin unveiled who waited so long
To dance and rejoice and sing her song
And rest in the arms of a love so strong
No one comes unless they're drawn
By the voice of desire that leads em' along
To the redemption of what went wrong
By the blood that coveres the innocent one
No more separation
Between us.
So lift your voice just one more time
If there's any hope may it be a sign
That everything was made to shine
Despite what you can see
So take this bread and drink this wine
And hide your spirit within the vine
Where all things will work by a good design
For those who will believe
And let go, of all, we cannot hold onto
For the hope, beyond, the blue
Said i let go, of all, i could not hold onto
For the hope, i have, in you
-----
Sometimes i just get so excited for heaven.
The substance of this dwells in me
Cause my natural eyes only go skin deep
But the eye's of my heart anchor the sea
Plumbing the depths to the place in between
The tangible world and the land of a dreams
Because everything ain't quite as it seems
There's more beneath the appearance of things
A beggar could be king within the shadows,
Of a wing
And wisdom will honor everyone who will learn
To listen, to love, and to pray and discern
And to do the right thing even when it burns
And to live in the light through treacherous turns
A man is weak, but the spirit yearns
To keep on course from the bow to the stearn
And throw overboard every selfish concern
That tries to work for what can't be earned
Sometimes the only way to return is to go,
Where the winds will take you
And to let go, of all, you cannot hold onto
For the hope, beyond,the blue
Yellow and gold as the new day dawns
Like a virgin unveiled who waited so long
To dance and rejoice and sing her song
And rest in the arms of a love so strong
No one comes unless they're drawn
By the voice of desire that leads em' along
To the redemption of what went wrong
By the blood that coveres the innocent one
No more separation
Between us.
So lift your voice just one more time
If there's any hope may it be a sign
That everything was made to shine
Despite what you can see
So take this bread and drink this wine
And hide your spirit within the vine
Where all things will work by a good design
For those who will believe
And let go, of all, we cannot hold onto
For the hope, beyond, the blue
Said i let go, of all, i could not hold onto
For the hope, i have, in you
-----
Sometimes i just get so excited for heaven.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
part of the model
Excellent conversation with lindsinator today.
It was an excellent day at looking at life, and what's important. When talking about the 'why's' of relationships, specifically in the 'whys' and the 'hows' of them not working (assumed on the limited level of understanding and insight we have), we got on the topic of rejection. And of course, you can't talk about rejection without talking about love.
It struck me through the conversation at how incredibly similar the model of loving another person is, and how Jesus loved us. This is, of course natural. If two people genuinely love each other (to the fullest meaning of love [sacrifice]), then things work. There is room to growth, room for grace, room for failure, all humanistically speaking. But just as Jesus, who gave His life up for each of us, part of love is opening yourself up to rejection. And rejected Jesus was.
I would argue that to be rejected is the deepest form of betrayal. There is nothing less invalidating than to be told you 'are not enough,' and then to be left.
There's an interesting little verse in 1 peter that means something a bit different to me now:
The amplified says
I wonder if there is a connection between loving deeply, and forgiving wholly. I wonder if i can count it as a grace that i can forgive, and remain thinking well of, wishing the best for, dare i say loving, my previous counterpart, and not be bitter. Despising the other person may seem easier in the short run, but i wonder if loving deeply is the only way to cover rejection. Its easy to love a person for all they do right, it's difficult to love someone in the midst of all they do wrong, and the wrong they do to you.
It's just interesting to me. If Jesus risked rejection, than naturally our love would imply a risk of rejection. If Jesus told us to 'love deeply' for it' covers sin,' and His love is the pinnacle and definition of deep love, then perhaps this is the way we forgive the scars and stories in the deep places we'd rather remain hidden and forgotten.
To love is to risk. To try and fly if you will. If you crash, hello broken. If love succeeds, it changes everything. But to fly or crash changes everything - you world view is severely altered for good, for bad, or maybe for a bit of both.
That may not be right, but it is a thought. Praise Jesus when all is said and done, and we stand in His presence where none of this earthly pain or pondering matters, it will all be well. If we suffer, we suffer for the sake of Christ, and that is achieving eternal glory for those who believe. That is good news, and that is great hope.
It was an excellent day at looking at life, and what's important. When talking about the 'why's' of relationships, specifically in the 'whys' and the 'hows' of them not working (assumed on the limited level of understanding and insight we have), we got on the topic of rejection. And of course, you can't talk about rejection without talking about love.
It struck me through the conversation at how incredibly similar the model of loving another person is, and how Jesus loved us. This is, of course natural. If two people genuinely love each other (to the fullest meaning of love [sacrifice]), then things work. There is room to growth, room for grace, room for failure, all humanistically speaking. But just as Jesus, who gave His life up for each of us, part of love is opening yourself up to rejection. And rejected Jesus was.
I would argue that to be rejected is the deepest form of betrayal. There is nothing less invalidating than to be told you 'are not enough,' and then to be left.
There's an interesting little verse in 1 peter that means something a bit different to me now:
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins"
The amplified says
"Above all things have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins [forgives and disregards the offenses of others]."
I wonder if there is a connection between loving deeply, and forgiving wholly. I wonder if i can count it as a grace that i can forgive, and remain thinking well of, wishing the best for, dare i say loving, my previous counterpart, and not be bitter. Despising the other person may seem easier in the short run, but i wonder if loving deeply is the only way to cover rejection. Its easy to love a person for all they do right, it's difficult to love someone in the midst of all they do wrong, and the wrong they do to you.
It's just interesting to me. If Jesus risked rejection, than naturally our love would imply a risk of rejection. If Jesus told us to 'love deeply' for it' covers sin,' and His love is the pinnacle and definition of deep love, then perhaps this is the way we forgive the scars and stories in the deep places we'd rather remain hidden and forgotten.
To love is to risk. To try and fly if you will. If you crash, hello broken. If love succeeds, it changes everything. But to fly or crash changes everything - you world view is severely altered for good, for bad, or maybe for a bit of both.
That may not be right, but it is a thought. Praise Jesus when all is said and done, and we stand in His presence where none of this earthly pain or pondering matters, it will all be well. If we suffer, we suffer for the sake of Christ, and that is achieving eternal glory for those who believe. That is good news, and that is great hope.
Friday, February 8, 2013
those boys.
*sigh.
Hello end of week. It seemed like this week started years ago. Friday is now about to go, and Saturday...and Sunday...and then....MIDTERMS. Yuck.
The week has been long, but it's been so rich. The Lord has really done quite a bit of healing in my heart - it's been long coming, and it had never been needed more. I got through without tears of brokenness, and there were several notable instances that i truly felt i had a bit of a 'sparkle' going on again. Turning 24 was more exciting than depressing, and that was by God's grace to me.
I am confident that the Lord has something in store for me that is formatted around missions, and with that knowledge, waiting is far more comfortable. I don't feel panicky, like life slipping, slumping, away. Or maybe it's just been the really great weather this last week - either way, still a huge blessing from God.
I felt it was a notable step forward when i still felt this peace when the hiccup came yesterday. My econ teacher, bless his heart, sometimes makes comments about hurtful relationships and heartbreak that just reside so strong with me. It's like he looks around the room, sees insecurity, and points it out in an effort to make each of us deal with it. Love that man, struggle with the man. Studying for his midterm makes my head hurt, and sometimes listening to his lectures makes my heart hurt.
Some of the comments just crawl under my skin, and there they stay, irritating me. They are silly things, but I have hard time shaking the insignificance i feel whenever i mentally approach my past. Its far less emotional with each passing day, and much more rational. I'm far away enough from 'feelings,' but that doesn't mean i'm not female. I compartmentalize, but i know i don't like men do.
I know i' never going to 'get' it. It is what it is. But it just saddens, and confuses me, at how one person can love another person out of a depth of love that still longs for their absolute best regardless of costly rejection and pain, and yet the receiving end easily moves on without questioning it. It dumbfounds me really, and i mean that so literally.The fact that i've made such little headway in understanding this in the last several years leads me to draw two conclusions: 1) i'm stuck on the wrong statement and 2) i need to be so grateful that the Savior uses this to keep me small. The lesser I am the greater He is, and the more these things make sense because they become insignificant. Being dumbfounded should keep me humble...i'm letting Him work on it. *sigh, i'm a hopeless case, but He doesn't relent.
I suppose the encouragement is, if i can so bodly contrast the last point with the following, I can see and appreciate my own maturity - I understand the importance of holding onto relationships loosely, waiting for commitment to for in a natural time instead of hastening it along with both feet dipped in. There is something to be said, especially as a female, to WAIT and let HIM PROVE what his intentions are. The great part of being a woman? i can, with confidence, wait, and then take it or leave it. That's not the same thing as stringing a poor feller along - i would argue that is a woman wisely discerning between a man of words, and a man of his word. A man can make honoring decisions and yet not be honorable in character. Men are tricky to discern.
The idea of a functional, almost mechanical, in the early stages almost sounds refreshing. Attraction and "sex" (broadly construed) makes commitment so confusing - I commit with my heart and the boys i know, from work to the gym, commit...well...with their eyes. And their eyes aren't necessarily spending the majority of their time looking at my character or my 'lovely' heart. *sigh, i'm not bitter....i just find it unfortunate. They have absolutely no idea how that makes women feel. They have no idea the scars their power/words/intentions bring. From casual friends to romantic partners, i just think they have so little idea how brutal they can be.
I'm all about the physical relationship (much more than i should be), but i'm not about that lack of commitment that seems to trail behind. I love french fries and chocolate cake, but after i've indulged enough, it simply doesn't hold the attraction power to keep me from moving on to doughnuts and cheese-its. And that's coming from a girl.
I know i long to be known and be appreciated, and for whatever reason those insatiable miserys have left me alone. There is a new song in my life - that's how i know i'm getting out of the pit of despair and hopelessness - i know that i know that i know the Lord is here, and his plan for my life is not distant.
Time for ramblings to end, and bedtime. I'm exhausted, so ready for sleep, but really, truly happy in a way i haven't been in so long.
Hello end of week. It seemed like this week started years ago. Friday is now about to go, and Saturday...and Sunday...and then....MIDTERMS. Yuck.
The week has been long, but it's been so rich. The Lord has really done quite a bit of healing in my heart - it's been long coming, and it had never been needed more. I got through without tears of brokenness, and there were several notable instances that i truly felt i had a bit of a 'sparkle' going on again. Turning 24 was more exciting than depressing, and that was by God's grace to me.
I am confident that the Lord has something in store for me that is formatted around missions, and with that knowledge, waiting is far more comfortable. I don't feel panicky, like life slipping, slumping, away. Or maybe it's just been the really great weather this last week - either way, still a huge blessing from God.
I felt it was a notable step forward when i still felt this peace when the hiccup came yesterday. My econ teacher, bless his heart, sometimes makes comments about hurtful relationships and heartbreak that just reside so strong with me. It's like he looks around the room, sees insecurity, and points it out in an effort to make each of us deal with it. Love that man, struggle with the man. Studying for his midterm makes my head hurt, and sometimes listening to his lectures makes my heart hurt.
Some of the comments just crawl under my skin, and there they stay, irritating me. They are silly things, but I have hard time shaking the insignificance i feel whenever i mentally approach my past. Its far less emotional with each passing day, and much more rational. I'm far away enough from 'feelings,' but that doesn't mean i'm not female. I compartmentalize, but i know i don't like men do.
I know i' never going to 'get' it. It is what it is. But it just saddens, and confuses me, at how one person can love another person out of a depth of love that still longs for their absolute best regardless of costly rejection and pain, and yet the receiving end easily moves on without questioning it. It dumbfounds me really, and i mean that so literally.The fact that i've made such little headway in understanding this in the last several years leads me to draw two conclusions: 1) i'm stuck on the wrong statement and 2) i need to be so grateful that the Savior uses this to keep me small. The lesser I am the greater He is, and the more these things make sense because they become insignificant. Being dumbfounded should keep me humble...i'm letting Him work on it. *sigh, i'm a hopeless case, but He doesn't relent.
I suppose the encouragement is, if i can so bodly contrast the last point with the following, I can see and appreciate my own maturity - I understand the importance of holding onto relationships loosely, waiting for commitment to for in a natural time instead of hastening it along with both feet dipped in. There is something to be said, especially as a female, to WAIT and let HIM PROVE what his intentions are. The great part of being a woman? i can, with confidence, wait, and then take it or leave it. That's not the same thing as stringing a poor feller along - i would argue that is a woman wisely discerning between a man of words, and a man of his word. A man can make honoring decisions and yet not be honorable in character. Men are tricky to discern.
The idea of a functional, almost mechanical, in the early stages almost sounds refreshing. Attraction and "sex" (broadly construed) makes commitment so confusing - I commit with my heart and the boys i know, from work to the gym, commit...well...with their eyes. And their eyes aren't necessarily spending the majority of their time looking at my character or my 'lovely' heart. *sigh, i'm not bitter....i just find it unfortunate. They have absolutely no idea how that makes women feel. They have no idea the scars their power/words/intentions bring. From casual friends to romantic partners, i just think they have so little idea how brutal they can be.
I'm all about the physical relationship (much more than i should be), but i'm not about that lack of commitment that seems to trail behind. I love french fries and chocolate cake, but after i've indulged enough, it simply doesn't hold the attraction power to keep me from moving on to doughnuts and cheese-its. And that's coming from a girl.
I know i long to be known and be appreciated, and for whatever reason those insatiable miserys have left me alone. There is a new song in my life - that's how i know i'm getting out of the pit of despair and hopelessness - i know that i know that i know the Lord is here, and his plan for my life is not distant.
Time for ramblings to end, and bedtime. I'm exhausted, so ready for sleep, but really, truly happy in a way i haven't been in so long.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Birthday gifts
A last thought as I lay my head to sleep in preparation for this blessed test tomorrow:
I am confident of this: I will see the goodness of God in and through this season. I am moving forward, even if it involves some steps back. The shreds of my past that I still treasure are being released from clutched fists. The Lord will renew what's been broken, if not this side of heaven, then the next.
What a crazy thought...God renewing and redeeming my life from the hopelessness it was.
Scripture says those that look to The Lord are radiant. I may not be radiant this evening after scrubbing my make-up away, but I am more certainly hopeful, and genuinely happier than I've been in sometime. Friends, if I've been lifted out of my pit of despair, if even for the day, it is to the Lord's credit. He is faithful.
I am confident of this: I will see the goodness of God in and through this season. I am moving forward, even if it involves some steps back. The shreds of my past that I still treasure are being released from clutched fists. The Lord will renew what's been broken, if not this side of heaven, then the next.
What a crazy thought...God renewing and redeeming my life from the hopelessness it was.
Scripture says those that look to The Lord are radiant. I may not be radiant this evening after scrubbing my make-up away, but I am more certainly hopeful, and genuinely happier than I've been in sometime. Friends, if I've been lifted out of my pit of despair, if even for the day, it is to the Lord's credit. He is faithful.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
I best be fast in this update because tomorrow is long, and this day still has yet to end as it leaks into my tomorrow.
Where does my time go? I miss the days i used to not struggle with this problem.
Beautiful thought from Beth Moore this evening: "God always cares more for our freedom than even we do." Whatever the captivity, whatever the pit, he is more concerned with getting us out of that place and into freedom and wholeness than I could ever be for myself.
I praise the Lord that for the last couple days the darkness has started to lift, and it is with that, i fear for the pending darkness tomorrow. There is a hope in me that is living and new, even though it is still surrounded by the darkness of uncertain circumstances.
It's been a long journey in which the Lord has been preparing me to stand in a place of complete openness - although my heart still loves and is deeply concerned for the things of the past, i feel fully peaceful to leave them as they are and step towards a different direction.
It's time to pursue missions again - and as best i can see, missions as i've never experienced. I do enjoy learning, i enjoy my classes, but the more the more my professors remind me that i'm 'using' them for a college degree (ultimately higher paying jobs), my longing for a different life groans.
My father recently challenged me to paint a picture of what 'missions' meant to me. It's been difficult for me to conceptualize because i don't see how they would all connect, but none the less, this would be my request
1) Living in a community that involves one on one relationships. The paul-timothy thing - someone to be taught by, someone to teach.
2) Children. Loving little babies and orphans - literally and figuratively.
3) A place to provide for the needy - spiritually, mentally, emotionally.
4) A ministry that i can have and raise a family in.
5) Where i can be involved in administration, secretarial work, and relationship at the same time. Call it a Sue Gilmore.
The Lord knows my heart. I love the imagery in psalm 103; "For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more."
But the hope...
..."But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him..."
---
there is more working for me than against me (2 kings 6). He knows my frailty, my weakness. He knows the deepest longing of my heart, the spots the love extends wide, and the spots the love simply doesn't extend at all. He knows my future, and I am coming to a place of believing for the first time that when He said He has a purpose and a plan, He meant me. He MEANT ME.
And it is with that freedom from the captivity of hopelessness, i want to reach out to my neighbor, to the girls i work with to assure them that there is LIVING hope. And the living hope lives within my heartbreak.
How i miss brt and his companionship. But i know the Father continues to use this heartbreak for my good and His glory.
The Lord knows my frame. The Lord knows my future.
So here is the knocking i have begun - Israel? Guatemala? Africa? Lord, open the doors that no man can shut! I'm want to see your glory!
Where does my time go? I miss the days i used to not struggle with this problem.
Beautiful thought from Beth Moore this evening: "God always cares more for our freedom than even we do." Whatever the captivity, whatever the pit, he is more concerned with getting us out of that place and into freedom and wholeness than I could ever be for myself.
I praise the Lord that for the last couple days the darkness has started to lift, and it is with that, i fear for the pending darkness tomorrow. There is a hope in me that is living and new, even though it is still surrounded by the darkness of uncertain circumstances.
It's been a long journey in which the Lord has been preparing me to stand in a place of complete openness - although my heart still loves and is deeply concerned for the things of the past, i feel fully peaceful to leave them as they are and step towards a different direction.
It's time to pursue missions again - and as best i can see, missions as i've never experienced. I do enjoy learning, i enjoy my classes, but the more the more my professors remind me that i'm 'using' them for a college degree (ultimately higher paying jobs), my longing for a different life groans.
My father recently challenged me to paint a picture of what 'missions' meant to me. It's been difficult for me to conceptualize because i don't see how they would all connect, but none the less, this would be my request
1) Living in a community that involves one on one relationships. The paul-timothy thing - someone to be taught by, someone to teach.
2) Children. Loving little babies and orphans - literally and figuratively.
3) A place to provide for the needy - spiritually, mentally, emotionally.
4) A ministry that i can have and raise a family in.
5) Where i can be involved in administration, secretarial work, and relationship at the same time. Call it a Sue Gilmore.
The Lord knows my heart. I love the imagery in psalm 103; "For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more."
But the hope...
..."But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him..."
---
there is more working for me than against me (2 kings 6). He knows my frailty, my weakness. He knows the deepest longing of my heart, the spots the love extends wide, and the spots the love simply doesn't extend at all. He knows my future, and I am coming to a place of believing for the first time that when He said He has a purpose and a plan, He meant me. He MEANT ME.
And it is with that freedom from the captivity of hopelessness, i want to reach out to my neighbor, to the girls i work with to assure them that there is LIVING hope. And the living hope lives within my heartbreak.
How i miss brt and his companionship. But i know the Father continues to use this heartbreak for my good and His glory.
The Lord knows my frame. The Lord knows my future.
So here is the knocking i have begun - Israel? Guatemala? Africa? Lord, open the doors that no man can shut! I'm want to see your glory!
Friday, February 1, 2013
growth
I'm seeing the healing in my own life. I'm sensing a change. There is a new song in my mouth, a new praise to the Lord -- Oh how my soul has needed this for so long.
Brokenness is a gateway to healing and wholeness. There is something about coming to the proverbial end, something about realizing that i can't, and shouldn't try, to 'move forward'. In this instance, the despair contrasts the light - I grasp the hope to which i'm called because I've grasped hopelessness.
I am becoming more comfortable within my own insatiable desires that are relentless. My heart seems to constantly gravitate for chapters that are closed, doors that are shut. This is a battle I am constantly battling. But it's a good fight, because the fight is for faith that the Lord has more for me than against me (2 kings 6).He knows my heart, knows i'm prone to wander, knows that i'm frail, insecure, and longing for a life more fulfilled than what i'm living.
I was challenged last week to look; to open my eyes and serve beyond the 'emotional' means. I looked, and the devastation has moved me this week. From my new homeless friend Cheryl, to pain of separation of my friends, it's devastating.
My pain, their pain, the pain the world heaves full of, all reveal the neediness of relief and healing. Thankfully, He heals all of diseases, redeems our lives from the pit (psalm 103).
How grateful i am that in my pain, in my neighbors pain, He has given us a firm place to stand (psalm 40). There is a desire in me for Him to come quickly -- to right the wrongs, to bring wholeness, and, most importantly, restore our relationship with the Father that will no longer be plagued by sinful heart. How beautiful is the good news - that even these things will one day come to pass.
Nothing has changed today. In a lot of ways, it's another normal morning -- rise, school, gym, work, eat, bed. But today, I believe that the Lord is so near. My broken heart is being mended. The snow is melting outside, my heart is thawing. I don't sense a direction, but i have a security that is growing in strength that my life is renewed from what it's been. There's a softness of heart that longs to forgive, and be forgiven.
The Father will accomplish his purposes in our lives - and His purpose for me, right now, today, in the Library, 7:50am, is to simply stay soft and obedient to what He his work in and through my life.
It really is a beautiful day.
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