I best be fast in this update because tomorrow is long, and this day still has yet to end as it leaks into my tomorrow.

Where does my time go? I miss the days i used to not struggle with this problem.

Beautiful thought from Beth Moore this evening: "God always cares more for our freedom than even we do." Whatever the captivity, whatever the pit, he is more concerned with getting us out of that place and into freedom and wholeness than I could ever be for myself.

I praise the Lord that for the last couple days the darkness has started to lift, and it is with that, i fear for the pending darkness tomorrow. There is a hope in me that is living and new, even though it is still surrounded by the darkness of uncertain circumstances.

It's been a long journey in which the Lord has been preparing me to stand in a place of complete openness - although my heart still loves and is deeply concerned for the things of the past, i feel fully peaceful to leave them as they are and step towards a different direction.

It's time to pursue missions again - and as best i can see, missions as i've never experienced. I do enjoy learning, i enjoy my classes, but the more the more my professors remind me that i'm 'using' them for a college degree (ultimately higher paying jobs), my longing for a different life groans.

My father recently challenged me to paint a picture of what 'missions' meant to me. It's been difficult for me to conceptualize because i don't see how they would all connect, but none the less, this would be my request

1) Living in a community that involves one on one relationships. The paul-timothy thing - someone to be taught by, someone to teach.
2) Children. Loving little babies and orphans - literally and figuratively.
3) A place to provide for the needy - spiritually, mentally, emotionally.
4) A ministry that i can have and raise a family in.
5) Where i can be involved in administration, secretarial work, and relationship at the same time. Call it a Sue Gilmore.
 

The Lord knows my heart. I love the imagery in psalm 103; "For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more."

But the hope...

..."But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him..."

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there is more working for me than against me (2 kings 6). He knows my frailty, my weakness. He knows the deepest longing of my heart, the spots the love extends wide, and the spots the love simply doesn't extend at all. He knows my future, and I am coming to a place of believing for the first time that when He said He has a purpose and a plan, He meant me. He MEANT ME.

And it is with that freedom from the captivity of hopelessness, i want to reach out to my neighbor, to the girls i work with to assure them that there is LIVING hope. And the living hope lives within my heartbreak.

How i miss brt and his companionship. But i know the Father continues to use this heartbreak for my good and His glory.

The Lord knows my frame. The Lord knows my future.

So here is the knocking i have begun - Israel? Guatemala? Africa? Lord, open the doors that no man can shut! I'm want to see your glory!