25

I saw the Lord always before me, for He is at my right hand that I may not be shaken;

Therefore, my heart was glad, and my tongue rejoiced;

my flesh will also dwell in hope.

For you will not abandon my soul to Hades, or let your holy one see corruption.

You have made known to me the paths of life;

You will make me full of gladness with your presence.

Acts 2 / Psalm 16

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Confession. I don’t get this.  I don’t live this, and often I don’t experience this – the dwelling in hope, full of gladness in His presence, feeling secure and unshaken thing.  These are verses I believe to be completely true. I believe that we are invited into all the fullness that life offers because of the blood of Jesus. I believe we are given fullness, gladness, a life bound together with hope. 

I’ve learned a lot about myself over these last several months of not working. Mostly of what I thought I believed, and the revealing of what I actually think and live out. These stark differences have been really humbling and really messy.

I realize that I live my life in the realm of ‘safe.’ By that I mean the mass majority of my decisions cultivate an environment of certainty. I thought I was one that took calculated risks, but actually I make decisions mostly on certain outcomes, and unshakeable option B’s. It’s left me to believe that I am the soul provider of my security – emotional, financial, mental. This addiction to ‘hold it together’ and live like I have ‘it’ figured it out, has burdened me for the last several years. Its been the driving force of ungraciousness towards myself and my debilitating unwillingness to slow down and let go of relationships and responsibilities that exhaust me.

In my time away from work, the Lord lead me to my walls, my fences, the safeties I’ve built and set in strategic places.

I realize just how much I don’t let others in, or perhaps more accurately, their love, encouragement, and support. And of course, I realize all I’ve built over the years captured me more than it guarded me. My addition to building security and safety in my world built isolation in ways I couldn’t detect.

I haven’t been able to experience fullness of hope, of gladness, of joy in the presence of Jesus because the presence of Jesus only extended to the places I allowed it to go, and the places I lock up are deep. And like the faithful Father He is, His presence met me there.

I’m not sure my devices that labored to create my own sense of security are dissembled or laid to rest, but I know that He is present in those places of less surrendered.

I’m edging toward the end of 25. Birthdays to me are like New Years – they represent the end of the older things, the start of newer things. 25 Has been a fabulous year in so many ways, but still yet another painful year of growing pains. 25 was a year of trying new things, and becoming more aware of my need to slow down and enjoy the moments, the present, His presence in my life. The Lord allowed me to discover in my 25^th year the moments and words that I have allowed to define me and shaped my world view, for the good and the not so good.

I loved much of 25, and much of 25 I’m grateful to leave behind.

I want 26 to mark more newness. A different approach to life. I want 26 to be ‘less trying to figure it out’ and a more about noticing and learning. A continued attitude of being present and not perfect – in my relationships, in my job, in my approach to myself.  And, I really want to meet Shauna Niequist.

“You have made known to me the paths of life.” I want to experience the truth of those verses. To choose to actively believe that the Lord always goes before, that He is fully present despite my feelings of distance. I want to invite His presence more fully into my life so I can dwell in hope instead of this fabricated life of safe I’ve been so committed to.

I’ve never been good with unknowns and uncertainty. I want this to be the year I start the process of fighting less, of leaning in more, of trusting Jesus a little more thoroughly than I have yet to do.

I want to dwell in hope, living a life that invites others to do the same. Because Jesus is Hope.

Advent

I’m grateful that Jesus continues to make Himself known in my little life. In ways that are so gentle, loving, graceful. I'm grateful that He doesn’t always answer my prayers the way I want Him to. I smile at this song now, knowing how differently I felt humming to the tune last Christmas season. I begged Jesus to show up in a way that felt powerful, certain, in ways beyond recoginition. Little did I know He was revealing Himself to me just as I had asked, just differently than I imagined. 

I don’t know if this is what it means to be an adult, but I feel like this mid-twenty age more than any other season so far is all about living in constant tension. And by combination of my choices and what I believe to be God’s leading in my own life, I have landed in a season where my life just seems endlessly suspended by possibilities. And there are a lot of questions and most of it feels pretty overwhelming.

We are a couple days from Christmas. I'm not a Christmas person, but 2014 made me an Advent person. Because Advent is all about tension.

It’s about anticipating. About waiting. It’s about Jesus showing up. About His birth, and how His birth changed absolutely everything. Advent is about celebrating. Jesus, Emmanuel, God with us, ever present, humbled into human likeness. 

I love stories about women in the bible. Of women who trusted in Jesus, who lived by faith and not by feeling because i so often life by feeling. And so, this Advent season, I again reflect on Mary, the celebrated mother of Jesus.

I often wonder exactly how Mary felt during this season – during this blessed anticipation of her baby's arrival. A baby that meant more than a change of season in her life. A baby that she was told would change everything and yet she was carrying in such a normal way. A baby that was King, the Prince of Peace, but not the king anyone expected. A baby born in a time of confusion and chaos, sought by a tyrant king.  

I wonder if she felt like nothing in her life was certain, linear or safe. And yet, her faith anchored her. Truth tethered her heart to a certainty she couldn’t necessarily explain or understand. Truth that changed everything. She lived in tension. She accepted truth, lived out of truth, but “pondered these things in her heart.” (Luke 2.19, King James). 

Advent, above all else, is about hope. It’s about the promise of Jesus and all the freedom He extends to his children within the doubts, struggle, questions and pain of it all.

Christmas isn’t an easy season. I sit here tonight with my heart heavy for many reasons. Close friends of mine are mourning death, and death stirs up all sorts of pain and feelings of loss. I think of my grandfather who spends another Christmas without his wife, friends who will again feel the absence of their parents. I think of poverty, torn families, and the lives that were destroyed by all that happened in Ferguson. I think of people that are dear to me, of myself, who wrestle through much confusion and doubt. And I’m grateful that the message of Advent is for us.

His presence is what we celebrate this Christmas season. Great tragedies do coexist with great Hope. 

I hear this truth freshly in old christmas song. “A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices.”

Dear heart of mine, keep rejoicing. His goodness prevails. 

I love that quote. Less self-focus, more self-less focus.  And its the heartbeat of thankfulness. It breathes into me an attitude of more grace, of more gratitude. It gives me clearer vision of the small things that are undeniably important. It causes me to stop, and breathe, and see what’s happening in and around my life and not my schedule.

Like so many, I also proclaim this day all about the goodness of the Lord Jesus. This life hasn’t been easy, I still long, and feel, and live within confusion and the broken mess of myself. And yet, it is all put to rest, if even just for a moment, in light of who Jesus is - the author and giver of every good thing. It's doesn't necessarily take away or diminish the pain, disappointment or confusion we all experience, but for just a moment it makes the impossible sit at rest. Looking at Jesus reminds me that despite it all, there is victory, there is hope, there is freedom. And it's deep, profound, like we are apart of something bigger and grander than ourselves, than our own stories. His goodness, our thankfulness, puts our souls within it all. 

I have richness. That’s been my hit word over the last months – rich. There is undeniable depth in my life at the moment. A fullness that i can' explain, but the source is undeniable. This is what i means to live within the freedom of Jesus. This is why surrendering is the best way of life, and I pray this next year teaches me to be more vulnerable, to experience the joy that surrender brings more. 

I'm thankful that He is teaching my heart more about rest. About less doing, about more receiving the richness of life in Jesus. About the power of the Gospel that is at work within me. Embracing this is a rhythm learned, counter intuitive, hard, sometimes discouraging, and completely worth it. Its teaching me to dwell in relationship, to be more vulnerable and open. It teaches me to spend more time around the table, more time investing in the lives around me. To eat more slowly, to enjoy more early morning walks, to stop and see the graceful nature living and moving all around me. 

Thanksgiving teaches me of the faithfulness of our loving God who is working in the undercurrents. In midst of all our doubts. He is changing, renewing, making us more whole, and it's often in the hidden, secret, deep places in our souls first. In thanksgiving, I hear his gracious call to come to him with all pain, sorrow, and joy. He understands, and better yet, willingly shoulders the load alongside us, even for us. 

Thanksgiving reminds me that there is an alternative way of living - another rhythm to dance, or move in or shuffle through. Our fleshly nature encourages us to look inwardly. The spirit encourages us to look outwardly, encourages us to look directly at the power, and person and works of Jesus, and in that we are given blessed freedom. Freedom from the mess we are, or live in, or have been forced to walk within. 

I’m learning this Thanksgiving thing. I am grateful for a day to reflect on this journey, a day set apart to simply focus on all we’ve been given. I am thankful that the way of thankfulness aligns my heart with the Father's love for me. 

San Fran

There are a couple things that i know for sure - I love travel, and i deeply love people.

The last several weeks have been a little chaotic. I had made the decision about a month ago that it was time to move on and quit my times at the Nines and start to look at some other options. I'm not sure what that meant then, and i'm still uncertain what the means now. It's strange like that - every time i've made a major life decision that i've been at total peace about, i typically have little idea as to how it will play out practically.

Before quitting i had planned a vacation with the beauty pictured above for her 30th birthday. After a little debating on location, we settled on San Francisco for October 2014 - and what a fun trip it was. Well, fun when we weren't at the hostel I had foolishly selected. We figured as long as we didn't touch the walls and avoided the bathroom as often as possible, we would be fine. Apart from that, I think we both thoroughly enjoyed the trip. Fishermans Wharf, Alcatraz, infamous Cable Cars, Golden Gate, bike riding, eating, Ghiradelli chocolate, Blue Bottle coffee, time with good friends? What more could we have wanted? (okay, maybe an actual hotel with a 'safe' shower...and by that i mean sanitary).

I love time with quality friends. Linda is one of those friends where you can pick up where you left off, there's no pressure, and she's not afraid to honestly tell you exactly what she thinks. I love her for that reason. She's an excellent soundboard for life's questions, rooted and real, fearlessly committed to Jesus and isn't afraid to talk about it. She's a safe place to be, and loves fun as much as I do. We might love fun and jokes and the show "Miranda" a bit too much. We are both very different, but appreciate that about one another. Linda teaches me a lot about finding a balance in life.

I really enjoyed San Fran. Mostly because it was several days of quality time with someone dear to me.

I'm back in Leavenworth now. Perfectly timed with my favorite season of changing colors. Its strange being back in my hometown, that i love dearly. Every time i come home i realize i have one foot in this world, and one foot in my life in Portland. I just love each for such different reasons. Leavenworth has been the place i've come back too after the last couple major transitions in my life, and this time is no exception. I am starting the conversation of big questions related to what i desire the trajectory of my life to look like, and where i feel the Lord is guiding me.

I'm not sure what's next, but I am confident and excited for what the future holds. In the meantime, my prayer for this time and space i have away from the reality of work, my roommates, my home life, is that i would dig into Jesus. This for me usually looks like spending time with books that inspire me, reading my favorite blogs, writing, long walks in nature and some gym time. It will look like finally paying attention to my hip and taking the time to strengthen my hip flexors in preparation for my next 1/2 marathon in December. It will look like coffee and honest conversations with people that i love dearly and feel the same back. IT will look like silence, and rest, and an occasional nap.


Just a few more snapshots of our fun....

Cheers.

Several months ago I started having the conversation with those close to me of what it would look like to quit my job. This was piggy backing my prayers from the months before of asking the Lord to give me clarity of when the time was right. I've known for sometime now that the Nines was not where I wanted to be long term for several reasons, but I felt strongly then it wasn't time to walk away. Then.

My mother gave me some sound advice that has stuck with me for sometime: "Let the process decide." In other words, let the the Lord direct you through the circumstances, through conversations, through the leadership and opinions of those you respect in your life. But mostly through what the Lord is whispering, impressing upon your heart.

I've been working overnight shifts for the better part now of 4 months. It's strange to me how quickly the time seemed to melt away. When that curve ball came, I felt very strongly that the Lord didn't want me to fight that change, but to lean in, trusting he would lead and guide through it. And I have, and I'm grateful I listened.

Operating in a lifestyle so far from my natural tendencies has given a lot of clarity into who am and what i desire my life to look like. I feel like I've discovered, or maybe just more aware, of my own choices, those made and those foregone, and their impact my witness to the world. The ways they reveal who I am, what I'm about. Through my time, my money, the places i expend my energy. As I've really analyzed that, both professionally and personally, it was very clear, alongside the dynamics and climate in the front office at the Nines, that its time to leave. To walk away and trust that all i feel the Lord has revealed to me is "part of the process," leading me to what the Lord has next for me. **Side note. I really enjoy that look that follows after people ask "what's next?" and I essentially answer "don't know, but I'm trusting." This is one of those times that I have to lay down the criticism of others, and trust that the Lord would make it clear to me if I was doing something idiotic. He hasn't, and so I move forward.

I'm excited about this transition. Excited about change, looking forward to seeing what the Lord has next for me, dreading the inbetween of where I am not and where i will land. I am choosing to walk away without another job lined up, without clarity in what exactly I should be pursuing. But the Lord has never had an issue with feet that are willing to move. I know as I look at the process, the wisdom and blessing of those I trust dearly to take this step in faith with me, a deep gut sense that this is where the Lord is calling - it all points to trusting, a trust that actively places me in a space that only He can work.

I've never been a person to end anything well. When I reflect of the change of seasons in my life before, there are one or two abnormal times where transition was, on a heart level, easier than expected. As an analyzer, I've always had the tendency to want to slow down, stop, digest, and really let all that's happened soak in. Experiences change you - for the good, or for the not so good.

I walk away from all this with really mixed emotions. My time at the Nines has really stretched me, revealing quite a few things i don't love about myself. The pressure from this job has drawn out (or sometimes dragged out) areas of my life that aren't pretty. I've made some great decisions in my life both personally and professionally during my time here, and I've made some piss poor decisions both personally and professionally during my time here. I struggle with some of the regret I have for my choices, for my beautiful display of -28 patience with my coworkers that happened on more than one occasion. I walk away sad as I recognize that this is the end of a season in relationships with my Nines family - Josie R, Marcela P, Hannah C, Katy W, Steve S, Michael B and Quincy H to name a few. These people have been blessings to me who lifted my spirits and loved me as I've been, both personally and professionally.

I'm not sure what's ahead and what's next. I'm uncertain, but I rest in a certain God. Beth Moore once wrote "Christ bring his peace where He is prince. That's what the title 'prince of peace' represents." There is peace in the surrender of my fear. I pray with expectancy and hope, knowing that the Lord wants to do a new work in my life and in my heart.

I'm excited for a breather. I'm ready to spend some time with my family who are dear to me. To hold babies, play cars with Adric, drink coffee, jog some 8 milers. Spend some time in the kitchen and around the table. I'm excited to read Anne Lamott, journal out some thoughts and organize my closet.

This is a good life, and I want to enjoy every moment of this transition. So cheers to another end, another chapter, and to another beginning. This life isn't perfect, but it is good.

labels

I'm about to enter into another transition. One that came up in unexpected timing. A transition that stirs those deep things in me that are still being healed, the things in me that i desperately want to keep underground until they miraculously come out beautiful somehow. 

I ask the Lord to help my unbelief in all this.  This world, this life, gives us plenty of names, labels, to define us. These labels define how we look at ourselves, how we perceive the direction we are headed in the future. What we are (or aren't) worthy of.

And so, in the midst of a little chaos, in stepping into where i believe the Lord is leading me, I hurt today. Struggle with myself, with my choices, with the labels the evil one has given me, with the labels I've given myself. 

I am thankful that the Lord always has something to say, speaking a truth, into my life, particularly when i look at myself and despair at who i've become. And in this i find this verse - Indeed, we felt within ourselves that we had received the [very] sentence of death, but that was to keep us from trusting in and depending on ourselves instead of on God Who raises the dead.

and later to say: 

[He has also appropriated and acknowledged us as His by] putting His seal upon us and giving us His [Holy] Spirit in our hearts as the security deposit and guarantee [of the fulfillment of His promise]. 2 Corinthians 1. Amplified. 

In these moments of doubt, it's who we belong to that matters. It's who He is that matters. For reasons i will never understand, he has chosen to bestow grace and favor upon me. He has chosen me to be one of his, and He is my good shepherd, entirely independent of the choices i make. Praise be to the Father, that i can trust his leading, his guiding, through this process. 

This late morning, i choose to rest in the truth He has revealed to me. That he is my redeemer, my shepherd (Ezekiel 34), my loving Father. 

I can breathe in. breathe out. focus and know. I am deeply loved 

I often find that my narrow-mindedness is my biggest downfall.

My inability look beyond the past, beyond the present. My inability to see the blessing in past, the blessing in my moment. I think we all tend to view our world through our filter.

Through my desire, my dream, my need. Through my pain, my longing, my regret.

“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: the steadfast love the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

His love, never ceases – not dependent on my circumstances. His hope – not dependent on my circumstances. His abundant mercies – not dependent on my circumstances.

I need this today. I don’t feel anchored.  I feel unsettled, insecure, uncertain. Frustrated and ashamed of my neediness. Like I've single handedly ruined my reputation. Like I’m stripped of my strength, exposed in my weakness. His love, His hope, His abundant mercies – not dependent on these circumstances.

Watch & pray; I hear that whisper. Watch healing. Wait for wholeness. Lean in, and let Jesus continue to do his work. 


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"If we only had eyes to see and ears to hear and the wits to understand, we could know that the Kingdom of God in the sense of holiness, goodness, beauty is as close as breathing and is crying out to be born both within  ourselves and within the world; we could know that the Kingdom of God is what all of us hunger for above all other things even when we don't know its name or realize that it's what we're staving to death for. The kingdom of God is where our best dreams come from and our truest prayers. We glimpse it all those moments when we find ourselves being better than we are and wiser than we know. We catch sight of it when at some moment of crisis a strength seems to come to us that is greater than our own strength. The Kingdom of God is where we belong. It is home, and whether we realize it or not, i think we are all of us homesick for it. " Frederick Buechner