in the downpour

I hear it. In songs. In conversation. In the middle of Econ 202, in Jim Cannons sarcastic, cynical comments. I hear it when i put foot on the bus at 6:32 am. I heard it today when i drove my car down icy streets.

Be still. Don't look to the left, or to the right. Be still. Let the Lord fight for your worth, your purpose. Be still.

Stones. They are still. The Lord brought water out of the rocks in the past.

This hopelessness is drowned out when compared to the God of all history. "From the beginning"...From creation, to the prophets, to the Word, to birth and life of Jesus, to conquering death, overcoming hell, and rising victorious. To the right hand of the Father. There is nothing beyond His control, and praise be to God that includes my hopelessness, directionlessness.

There are streams in the desert.They are small streaks of water right now, but they are there.

The Lord is frustrating any plans, calling me to deeper trust. So what can i do in the meantime?

Learn to love the ordinary. The small. The laughter and giggles in friendship. The ability to run, lift weights, enjoy the physical world around me. Buy nail polish, and write letters. Eat a whole chocolate bar, watch a movie. Bless others. And perhaps most importantly for me, give to others.

After the last 'melt down' i finally got a bit of a reality check. It was a conviction i haven't yet before experienced. conviction that the tears and the panic are flat selfish. This seasons of unpleasant loneliness is, indeed, part of the plan. Its to my disdain, but it is to my benefit.

So i finish this evening with a glass of wine, and a hopeful prayer that tomorrow will bring the clarity to my heart/life i desperately pray for, and a touch to dismantle the cold feelings of loneliness.

There is much more working for me than against. My yesterday is gone, i need to stop looking at its failures. Tomorrow is ahead, bright and beautiful in it's own unexpected way. Yesterdays has a history that has left me changed, and holds questions that, as best i can tell, will never have answers. But i am certain i don't want my disapointment to color my view of brt, nor the pain caused cheapen my self confidence. The reality is broken and hurt people will hurt and break people. I do it, just as everyone else does. There is grace and forgiveness that is sufficient to cover all things. Sufficient because it doesn't come from the deep places of me, but because it is overflowing from the Father.

I feel more free tonight than i have in a long time.

*sigh. Ready.