Walking on heels of promise

Girls like shoes. They just do. I don’t think I really understood the shoe thing until recent years. Part of it was because I finally have had a bit more discretionary income, and part of it is because I haven’t had shoes to be particularly partial about in past years. But now, I get it. Athletic, casual or dressy, I just really love a good bargain on quality shoes.
Recently, I purchased a pair of Neutralizers. Now typically, this is brand I shy away from because they tend to look older ladyish and a bit lazy. But there is a reason they are popular, and that is because they actually are super comfortable. Designed with thicker souls and wider heals, they are just an easier shoe to wear for hours on end, especially if you are stuck in pumps for hours.

People don’t wear pumps in Leavenworth. This granola loving, outdoor adventure, Bavarian-wanna be town doesn’t require heels, but rather the trendier commercial crocs and tevas. So the purchase seems a bit illogical on the surface, but really, it was the hardest $15.00 I’ve spent in a while (yes, I did find them on the clearance rack at Macy’s, and then I had a coupon which saved me 79.00J).

I bought the shoes because my heart needs to continue to follow my head. My heart knows its only wise to put further distance between possibilities that are already ridiculous. To place my life in a position where it will be completely repainted in career, friends, church, and landscape opens my life to be touched by the Father because of obedience and surrender . I’ve have been taking steps towards Portland by working on resumes and contacting connections. But I think the fact that I’m terrified to check the replies in my inbox is a window into myself. There is a deep fear whose sound continues to resonate loudly in the chamber of my chest. I know I want my life to change from this season, but taking the steps is difficult and slightly painful.

Over the last several months I’ve developed a deep love for Beth Moore. In one of her books I’m studying she wrote a chapter about what it means to believe. She writes:

In Genesis 15:6, the Hebrew word for “believed is aman, meaning “to make firm…to stand firm, to be enduring; to trust, to believe.” In Romans 4:3, the Greek word for “believed” is pisteuo, meaning “to be firmly persuaded as to something, to believe…with the idea of hope and certain expectation.” It comes from the Greek word pistis, translated into the English word faith throughout the New Testament. As you can see, in both testaments, belief and faith represent the same concept.

That was the first moment that I actually had an urge to run to the tattoo parlor, but then realized that having the word “pistis” may not be the most attractive word you could permanently bleed into your skin.

But it spoke to my heart. 2 Timothy 1:12 says

 “For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I believe and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day”

And the question is then asked; do I actually believe (stand firm in, enduring in, trust in, am firmly persuaded by) the truths that Ive spent months praying? Do I believe (stand firm in, enduring in, trust in, am firmly persuaded by) that God is able to do so much more in my life than I can possibly dream or imagine? Do I believe(stand firm in, enduring in, trust in, am firmly persuaded by) that the risen Lord Jesus is guarding those dear to my heart, and guarding my heart in the process? Do I believe (stand firm in, enduring in, trust in, am firmly persuaded by) that my Savior and King and redeem my life from the nothingness I feel its become, and make it into something I feel is desirable?

Do I believe (stand firm in, enduring in, trust in, am firmly persuaded by) Gods power can secure me a ‘big girl’ job in Portland?

So I bought the shoes. Preparing myself for a future that isn’t seen, but a future I can trust in because I fully believe (stand firm in, enduring in, trust in, am firmly persuaded by) His character.

He is risen, risen indeed. My own lack of faith is covered by his goodness and grace. I have been given new life, and it’s a truth that I want to soak and rest in. What a gracious loving God we have, and these little chapters in my life can be displays of His glory, His loving kindness, and His power.

It is good to draw near this Easter.

Fragile

Its just some practical wisdom.

There are things in myself that are more fragile than i tend to respect, and other areas that i have strength in that i often discount. It's so hard to accurately perceive yourself.

I love this verse in pslams. "He redeems my soul in safety from the battle that i wage, for many are arrayed against me."

He is my redeemer. There is a story to be lived out, redemption being the centralized theme. What is broken is to be restored. This is the good news. The gospel. Jesus being glorified. He redeems our lives from the pit (psalm 103). He is active in my story as i struggle to discern what is it he has for me in this day.

"A crucial part of fleshing out our liberation in Christ means allowing Him to fill the empty places in our lives." Beth Moore knew a thing or two about the process of God redeeming the fragile parts of her life. The redemption of my past isn't channeled through a reconciled, renewed or new relationships. Redemption of this past comes from full satisfaction in Christs fullness. From being in the vine, tasting and seeing that He is good.  That's a shift for me.

I'm being renewed day by day. And it's in this i rejoice. This seemingly helpless story that isn't amounting to much at present isn't being wasted. It's being renewed. [doesn't that sound far nicer].

The Lord wants to satisfy my soul - one of the Hebrew words for satisfy is literally to fill or accomplish the filling of something empty...the act of replenishment as well as satisfaction. He won't fill it with the ultimate 'love' story that involves my own Ryan Reynolds and white dress, but rather with Himself whose love, as David writes, is better than life.

To replenish and satisfy the empty fragile parts of me with Himself.

I smile as i type this, knowing that my God is up to so much more in my life than i am aware. Each day start i look more and more like a woman, but looking into the inner courtyard of my heart, i am a total child. But perhaps this is the way its meant to be.

But oh my divided heart. The Lord is moving me forward, but my heart still yearns for parts of the past. And it's in these moments that melodies and lyrics capture the feelings better than naked words ever could.

simple thoughts

There isn’t much surprise in it.

Its what happens as you move forward. The past prowls its way through around your everyday and reminds you it’s presence, never far. With you and apart of you, yet unpresent. I know, it’s the strangest thing.

One step forward which begs three steps back each time every time. My head knows this is right in every way, my heart knows it too, but still needs some convincing.

It’s really irrational, the way your heart chooses to cling to someone. Something in me keeps going back to the end, back to the grave, bringing my offerings of flowers for memories cherished and gone. I know it’s irrational. I know it doesn’t make sense. But I miss the security, the human belonging, the feeling of being cherished, even if the moments were fleeting.

My head needs to make the decisions right now, and waywardly heart will follow. The days those two elements lack cohesion aren't my best days.

I was relieved when I read this today in 2 kings 4.

"One day Elisha went on to Shunem, where a wealthy woman lived, who urged him to eat some food. So whenever he passed that way, he would turn in there to eat food. ⁹ And she said to her husband, “Behold now, I know that this is a holy man of God who is continually passing our way. ¹⁰ Let us make a small room on the roof with walls and put there for him a bed, a table, a chair, and a lamp, so that whenever he comes to us, he can go in there.

¹¹ One day he came there, and he turned into the chamber and rested there. ¹² And he said to Gehazi his servant, “Call this Shunammite.” When he had called her, she stood before him. ¹³ And he said to him, “Say now to her, ‘See, you have taken all this trouble for us; what is to be done for you? Would you have a word spoken on your behalf to the king or to the commander of the army?’” She answered, “I dwell among my own people.” ¹⁴ And he said, “What then is to be done for her?” Gehazi answered, “Well, she has no son, and her husband is old.” ¹⁵ He said, “Call her.” And when he had called her, she stood in the doorway. ¹⁶ And he said, “At this season, about this time next year, you shall embrace a son.” And she said, “No, my lord, O man of God; do not lie to your servant.” ¹⁷ But the woman conceived, and she bore a son about that time the following spring, as Elisha had said to her."

I really do love this. Something about God working despite our belief that he can accomplish in us what we cannot will in ourselves. That God still has his ways and blesses our lives despite unbelief. That in the kingdom of God faithfulness and righteousness counts for more than a lot, and there is blessing in simply being obedient, thoughtful, kind, and caring.

There’s a question posed in this passage that only echo’s Jesus’ words in the new testament…”what is to be done for you?” Street language, what.do.you.want?

I think I know my answer. I want the ashes redeemed. I know that's a bold statement to make, but the more I discover about my heavenly Father, i smile because he defined bold. I wonder if the Lord smiles when we boldly ask for things in our lives that align with his character. Perhaps there is a a bit of an excitement because we actually are scratching the surface of who He is.

I suppose sometimes there are times in your life that you have to react without really knowing why. To simply stay still and think and wait isn't an option anymore.

I've sensed for sometime it's time. Being here is far less lucrative when working out the bigger picture. I'm not sure why i've stayed here for this long - I've been waiting. waiting for the dreams of my heart to take shape, or waiting for life to plant a new dream. either way, neither has happened. I have my scars and my stories to reflect on. The ashes promise beauty, but for now they speak of questions without answers, motives that can't be interpreted, sincerity in smiles and conversations that played my heart and left me teary eyed and cynical.

It wasn't a dramatic moment, but rather a calm certainty that it's time to place my life where i am open to a new reality - where i can actually dream a new dream or where i can stumble across new loves of my life.

I think that's the best way to describe what happened before. I never planned Capernwray, and certainly never planned Brady. Those were two things in my life i stumbled on, and realized i was right where i needed to be weeks and months later. I wonder if that's how much of my life will work. I'm not ambitious, I don't have big dreams. I'm not necessarily certain of who i am or where i'm headed. The Lords plans find me, and most of the time I'm oblivious to it.

portland.rain.umbrella.city.traffic.newbeginnings.

I'm stepping out in faith, trusting that the Lord has bigger things planned for me than i could ever hope for or imagine. I have peace. 

unrest

it's so difficult to discern between a restlessness that comes from some form of discontent or the restlessness that comes from the Lord who purposefully is trying to move you forward into something out.

I am restless. But to be fair, it's a bad time to examine this. Finals...Baby....not-sure-how-to-deal-with-that situations...my body is freaking out a bit.

The only thing i can do tonight is lay my head on the pillow, resting in knowing that the Lord is so aware of my wrestling heart and its dreams. The reality is that i'm so young and naive on so many levels. I feel less of an adult, and more of a kid. To abide in Him means to hold onto nothing else, but to be fully in His presence.

I'm restless, but God is in the restlessness.