fighting whats natural

I’m pretty sure this is called growing up.

There is a strong desire to want to be liked, to be appreciated, and to want to be known by your fellow human beings. I want to be known, and loved within, and not despite of, my imperfections. I want the hard work I do to be appreciated. All I’ve wanted in the last weeks is for that hardwork to be verbalized in genuineness.  

These aren’t wrong things to feel. But they become unhealthy when out of balance.

It’s a good indication that the desire is unbalanced when your blood pressure spikes as others fail to recognize you, or the intensity of “life” in the present moment. Instead of hearing an encouraging “great job” or a sympathetic “ I understand” or, dare I suggest, a helping “how can I come along side you?” we are so often met with disappointment – from ourselves in not having the time or energy to accomplish more, or others whose expectations have not been met. 

Obviously this leads back to boundaries – how well can you say no, how well can you hold to your yes. What things are urgent, what things are not. Even the right things we pursue aren’t encouraged or recognized well. There are a lot of dynamics surrounding the choices of our time.

I don’t like disappointing, and I hate feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps it’s a kickback of watching too many people close to my heart pile more onto their proverbial plate than even a fictional super hero could handle. Super heroes get to bend time, and Jack had 24 hours where minutes seemed to double in length. My observation is that one who piles on the tasks sky high deals with a lot of disappointment from others, and disappointment in themself.  

I don’t want to be a victim to busyness and therefore I tend to detest myself highly when the schedule gets out of hand. This has created another problem in my life that looks and feels like ‘hermitting,’ but that’s another issue to be thought about at a later time.

But I do genuinely believe that life brings seasons, weeks, and days that are crammed full. There are tasks that are assigned to our lives that are difficult and heavy to build character and to test our faith in His strength vs our own. Discerning the difference between what is ‘given’ to us by our Heavenly Father, and what unnecessary battles we fight, with our time and/or emotion is difficult. I strongly believe we fight many losing battles daily that could turn into daily victories if we relied on the Lords leading and strength, trusting him to win the battles. 

Today, the problem is just being flat misunderstood. In trying to balance out my personality, i’m trying to keep to an element of fun instead of intensity wih work, FULL time education, and INTERVIEWING for a potential job. For a girl that really likes doing things well and to their full potential, this week is threatening to kill me. I know the Lord is calling me to stand back and rest. To trust that the Spirit will enable the brains in my head to earn a decent grade an accounting test, to answer interview questions with poise and grace, and to respond genuinely and warmly to needs at work. These aren’t things i do myself. This is an opportunity to let sustaining sufficiency of the Lord flow freely and boldly in my life, and that is my heart’s desire. 

But the enemy is good. Moving is starting to get emotional. It’s digging at the past and challenging my assurance that this is right. When the relationships start to get complicated over petty things the enemy is clearly involved. 

The little girl in me wants to sit down and just cry. Not cry because I don’t want to keep pushing forward, but cry because I know that in this life, I will only continue to be misunderstood. I cry because I’m frustrated, anxious, and vulnerable. Grace for the little failures typically won’t flow from human lips or actions, but by the Father’s hand continually and constantly. You know you are overly emotional about it all when you cry because you realize that God cares about the outfit you wear for the interview even when nobody else really does. He really does. I know my challenge today is to take my eyes off others to recognize how hard I’m working at this season in my life, and fix my eyes on the Father who lovingly shows his affection and appreciation for the hardwork. I have to slow down enough to hear His voice that says “well done.”

And after writing “well done” I know that’s true. And for this moment, it’s enough.

backwards

"When the compassion of Christ is internalized, made personal and appropriated to ourselves, the breakthrough into caring for others occurs. In the mystery of divine wholeness, the way of compassionate caring for others brings healing to ourselves, and compassionate caring for ourselves brings healing to others. Solidarity with human suffering frees the one who recieves it and liberates the one who gives it through the concious awareness "I am the other."
Wether it be a lakeside retreat or the journey of life, our expectations are the greatest obstacle to union with God i the present moment. It is Jesus who writes all the lines, all the words, and all the letters of our lives. Do i really know what is best for m? My vision is so shortsighted, my horizon so limited. Surrender is a practical application of confession-- what we pray each day in the Lord's Prayer, "thy will be done." Abandonment is the triumph of trust in our life." B. Manning.

I hardly ever pick up his book without being deeply encouraged.

I always wondered about that divine connection between extending the compassion of love of Christ to others and the healing that brings to our own souls. Do we give because we can't stand ourselves? Do we give because we have been given too? Or can it, at many times, be both. I believe there is healing of our own brokeness and disapointments as we look to fill the brokeness and lonliness of another. But the key is the heart.

They key is loving out of the love we have been loved with.

It's another window into the past, and in a strange way, perhaps some ounce of answer to the void questions. In His goodness, he allows me to reason with things that rest still.

I know I trust Jesus as far as my feet have taken me. I love Jesus to the greatest degree that i've been broken and experienced His healing. I'm not sure how those that have experienced little heartache grow their heart for Jesus - that isn't a critisim, but an honest question.

I find a reason to rejoice in some of the disappoints that previously marred my own life.  Because out of the depth of hurt flowed a depth of assurance over time that the love of Christ has extended to so much than i could have imagined. I would never not want to deal with issues because of the great joy and freedom radiates from a risen Savior who heals, redeems, and brings new life. I am not particularly gifted, beautiful, eloquent of word or speech. But He is, and there is a great relief to know that i never have to measure to be as much.

So it's with that somewhat backward approach i start to wrap my head around the informal interview i have next week. Kinda backwards, but i think it works.

psalm 126.5, then and now.

It's a little overwhelming really - this thought of moving life, moving my feet to a new place. As i have previously written, there is SO MUCH blessing and excitement in anticipating this new adventure, but there this is the seasons of nothing but sheer details.

I faithfully matched my feet with my words this last week. My current employer now knows that i am officially leaving in June. And it was as a placed that news out there, all the sudden connections are being banked on. This grew my confidence that I am walking in the right direction, and yet selfishly and humanly, i'm still bogged down by fears of little details.

I turned my lamp out last night, ready to call the long day over, and i just felt in my spirit there was more the Lord wanted to share with me.

"This is what the LORD says to his anointed / to subdue nations before him and to strip kings of their armor / to open doors before him so that gates will not be shut: / I will go before you and will level the mountains; / I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of bronze and cut through bars of iron. / I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places/ so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." Isaiah 45

I read these words and heard, knew, was reassured beyond a shadow of a doubt this truth is intertwined with Pslam 126. - those who sow in tears of sorrow WILL reap in joy.

----->

T"hey that sow in tears shall reap in joy - Though the sowing of seed is a work of labor and sorrow - often a work so burdening the farmer that he weeps - yet the return - the harvest - is accompanied with rejoicing. The truth is expressed in a general form, as illustrating the idea that enterprises which are begun under many difficulties, and which require much labor, will be crowned with success, and that the joy is more than an equivalent for all the weariness and sorrow."

All the long nights spent wondering how and why my life had melted into a formless liquid, I am walking into part of the answer. These times are still BUSY, FULL, and i'm still WAITING on the promise. But there is a total peace that comes from knowing my savior is going before me, that He is leveling the mountains, breaking down gates, cutting through bars, to secure my future. Those treasures of his presence in the darkness, the riches from the secret and unknown seasons of my life...the joy is Himself. He has called me by name, and the future unfolds in His gracious timing, in His gracious way.

The joy is security that wraps around my reality as i look into this unknown future.

The reminder today is to slow down enough, take time out of the busy schedule, so simply watch and see the unveiling of His goodness and power in and over my life.

I am pretty certain that some of the hardest things one can do is create quiet space in the busyness of everday life.

I'm in a place that i understand demand. Full time school, just finished working a 35 hour week, training for half marathon in 2 weeks, attempting to stay on track and finish my bible study, quiet time, and then of course, an attempted social life - real conversations with real individuals i love and adore.

All these things are good for me. My life is being invested in, I'm investing in my own life, I'm able to invest in others. No one would argue that these are good things.

But it's simply not healthy. I do despise the days I've been unable to slow down enough to enjoy the cookie i'm eating, the smell of fresh spring air, or to listen music which resonates in my soul.

I know, another girly thing- i have developed a deep love and appreciation of bubble baths and candles. its simply 20 minutes of calm, where my mind and body relax enough to be fully present in essentially nothing.  I know that the Lord Jesus blesses my bath time (can i say that without it being weird?  I can pray, see, and think with greater clarity. The space of time and calm allows me those things in my life that need to change.

I'm too busy.

"And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith."

To be a perfecter of faith, to be a pioneer, to run with endurance....they all require TIME. 

The reminder of how important it is came again during my work out. Wanting to avoid the cold, and avoid driving to the gym, i decided to do a Jill Michaels DVD. When doing the cool down stretch she insisted on finishing out the last three minutes of the DVD, not becuase i necessarily needed those last three minutes of stretches to feel good the rest of the day, but because "we never take enough time to appreciate the work we do for ourselves." I just heard the Lord speak through her straight to my heart -- just slow down child. The Lord tries to grab out attention in all things...including 6 week 6 pack.

I really do believe that so often i can miss the 'better' in the 'good.' "In quietness and rest"  is our salvation. It is said that learning from past mistakes is the essence of wisdom, and striving to be a person of such character means changes need to be made. I don't want to get to the end of my life and be resentful or regretful of the time i spent 'busy' and not actually enjoying the seasons of life at their present. These are simple words.