What am I to you?
Do I even want to know? If I had the power to choose, would I actually want to know? I’m not sure I do. I’m just not really should I would.
It’s been months. The answered questions are still at rest but the other remains, growing stronger with each passing season.
It’s been a long week of thinking. With the death of a much loved one and the Holiday season here, it really forces one to evaluating what life is all about. Death and memories reveal to whom your heart still belongs.
My only conclusion is still that life is about giving the Lord Jesus praise and relationship. I’m not going to be lying in my final moments wondering if I decided on the correct major or if should have never quit a certain job. None of that matters.
I want you. I want to live life with you, I want to experience new things together. I want to walk with you through the mundane, weather the horrific storms, and relax in the peaceful times through life with you.
I want to be on the same team as you. I want to make a difference in this world with you and beside you.
But maybe it’s all an illusion. Maybe I’ve been under this silly impression that we are headed towards the same things. Perhaps we don’t have shared dreams for what we want life to look like. Maybe I was walking with, loving, kissing and sharing with a stranger the whole time. But you seemed so familiar. Did I even know you? Did you ever know yourself? You meant what you said, but did you actually believe it yourself?
Holidays are always difficult times when those that are close to your heart, for whatever reason, are gone. I’m not sure what to do with those whispers and quiet longings that flow from my heart – things no one else can hear.
I pray tonight that you would be growing strong in the Lord. That you would be courageous to do the things that God has placed on your heart. I pray that wisdom would come to you; that you may hear the quiet yet sure voice of your purpose and calling. I pray that love would heal all wounds, your God given assurance invade every action, and for His peace to calm and drive away all anxiety and fear.
I pray for myself tonight. For a heart that trusts without a single shard of doubt; trusting that the past was a stepping stone to a bright future that brings life, even if it feels as though I’m leaving my heart behind. I pray for an openness to leave the things that are most precious and dear to me in the hands of the creator. He will see to them. May I have a childlike faith to trust that He is up to something, even when the darkness makes little sense and even frightens me. I wasn’t given a spirit of fear, but of confidence; He says do not fear.
I wish you were here. I wish you could see the things that I am painfully sure about. I don’t need you to keep moving on through life, but i miss my best friend to laugh, cry, and question with. Life is a beautiful adventure, filled with thrilling excitements and devastating defeats. It’s worth living. But you are missing. But I don’t dare wait in hope, but I genuinely miss your friendship. The comfort that came from knowing you were watching out me and believing in my person and abilities.
I don’t fear moving on, I don’t fear finding someone else. But it deeply saddens my heart that it’s not you.
