I think i found an album that sings my hearts tunes. Tristan Prettyman.
I hear a girl that is struggling to put to words all that i'm feeling myself.
What are we doing here Lord? I'm "chomping at the bit" here. Dream? Hope? But how do i get through the day with Hope and with Dreams? Are they good friends? are they foe? Are they life giving or life taking?
*sigh. More questions i don't have answers for. For those that don't struggle with these kind of impairments, bless you. They are miserable.
I'm warming up to the idea that things could be different for me.
I feel like i'm coming back into my own a little bit. A couple 'exchanges' with boy at the gym, Ryan at Costco, the cute cowboy at the hotel. It feels nice to be appreciated, even if its superficial.
But the truth of the matter is, i wonder if i'm going to have to continue to make my peace with the fact that boys at this age, minus the few exceptions that are either married or well hidden, aren't ready to treat a girl right.
So i continue to move on...move further away from who i thought was the love of my life, the one i thought was forever going to change my life for better. I'm not going to understand it, but I'm accepting it. Theres no need to be angry, but i'm still sad. The heart wants what the heart wants, but i know to move forward is for the better. I want to meet someone who will believe in themself, and believe in me.
He is out there...somewhere. And i trust that in the Lords timing, He will bring the right friend in my life. But in the meantime, i'm trusting that the Lord is more comitted to me than i to Him. That God is more comitted to accomplishing His purposes than my feeble heart. I trust that God is big enough to get my attention if I am not walking in the light of His will for my life.
Lord, keep me humble, keep me raw, and keep me real.
Blessings to brt tonight.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Saturday, December 8, 2012
It's another day of processing.
I know the fact that school is ending for the quarter has much to do with the fact that i've been very much so caught up in digesting the events in September.
I process, not sure that if i had the chance to change the ending of the story, i necessarily would. Some say things ended 'as the Lord willed it.' This has never been a satisfactory answer for me, so instead, i decide to look through the lens that the way things ended has been "Gods grace" to me in ways that will take time to understand.
Hope is a frightening thing to me. Dreaming is a frightening thing to me. To dream and to hope for things out of my control is an extremely frightening thing to me. I'm not sure if I've always been weary of it, or if it's been as a result of my past relationship, but either way its frightening.
But it comes natural. It's intriguing to dream about things that could be. About romance, about commitment. About receiving the kind of love that is willing to pay money, make risky investments, and look foolish.
I struggle to contrast my world with the worlds around me, not even if i should be in the first place, and how dreaming works within it.
The marraige thing for a single girl who is terrified it's never in her future, is simply frightening. To be in Leavenworth, with every close friend who knows my heart married or in committed relationships...it makes you think, and often time that the problem lies inwardly.
It's simply untrue. There has been a young gentleman at the hotel over the weekend that calmed and reassured in many ways. He was young, fit, and attractive, and took an interest in myself. His family joked it was my smile and personality. Regardless of the follow through on any of it, to be appreciated by the opposite sex as a person of interest restored a bit of confidence in me. He was simply was not my type in many ways, but nonetheless, he was extremely attractive, and he 'saw' me. That means i am seeable.
I hate that so much of how i perceive relationships and how they work has been so twisted by the pain caused in the past. Not all men play it safe, and its been encouraging to have a couple examples in my life of men who put up with hundreds of miles of distance to make it work with a person they care about, and have a deep desire to invest in. Its encouraging to me to watch girls make the mistakes and 'throw him away,' and yet when she comes to her senses, he has the grace to take her back. I don't think it's because he's 'whipped' as much as he is gracious, and certain of the prize. It's so sweet and encouraging on one side, and devastating at the same time in the sense that brt apparently never felt anywhere near there with me. I am uncertain that is true, but i am certain that is the message i was lead to believe. For the first time, i question if he is one of the most selfish people i know in a very good disguise. Was i used in the entirety of the relationship? The answers to these questions don't change the outcome, but i'm not sure that throwing them out the door as 'irrelevant' is the best way to handle it either. Why? Because well over a year later, the question i never let myself think about it still matters. You know a persons character not in the surface actions, but in the deep places where the choice to love makes all the difference or breaks you completely. Perhaps its in that deep place that cowardice or heroism is revealed. Words only embellish ones character.
I do believe that to say he couldn't be with me because of the distance is a cop out. If you care about a person, you make it work. No, the issue is that brt could never accept me, for my beautiful traits or my shortcomings, because he cannot accept his qualities and imperfections. He is looking for a perfect that doesn't exsist, and so fills the gap with temporary 'girls.' Was I a girl who mattered? i would like to think so. But I was easily and quickly replaced with another blonde, which only leaves me to believe that i never stood out to him in the first place. Perhaps on a level of moral goodness I stood out, but to not accept my shortcomings is not to accept the truest form of myself; a total mess, overly sensitive, an over thinker, and too serious about the small stuff. Love covers these things. There is no freedom in the shadow of one who can't forgive and see the other as forgiven.
To be fair to him, perhaps he wasn't the only one that was a blind. I was sure that the person i knew had a deeper understanding of these things. I misjudged him too. I knew he was a mess, i was unaware how he actually felt about me. His words were just that; words. Words hold their weight in full when actions back them. No action makes words cheap. No logical person would disagree with that. I do believe that Brt knew me better than anyone up to that day in early summer 2011. I also believe with that knowledge, i have never been more misunderstood by anyone, and its a scar that may not heal with time, but can be relieved with love from another.
I often get commented on how 'strong' i am for walking through a season of life that is lifeless and directionless, marked with many tears. I'm not sure this strength has been born out of wanting to do the right thing as much as 'to be strong' is less of a choice and more a forced state of being. I have no fighter in my physical corner, so the only option is to head toward self destruction, or take the Lord at His word that he has a plan i can't see in all this.
It's incredibly lonely to not have a 'fighter in my corner.' I know that i haven't arrived here without the Lords careful planning and directing. There is much to be learned here, and i know that this journey has meant for everyone forward motion, i dig my heels in twice, and cry countless tears. I struggle to find the line between digging up the past and dealing with the feelings and emotions of a broken heart healthily. I want to be known, and i want to believe and dream freely for that to come in the future. And i want to continue to walk into the future i ever so feebly and inconsistenly believe in.
But what can i be sure of? That the Lord holds stronger to me than I to Him. He is more committed to goodness in my life that I am, and He is much more committed to getting me there too. In all this, i know God is gracious. I know God is strong, and God has not abandoned me, the work of his hands, his precious and chosen daughter. I am delivered from the darkness of myself, of my confusion, and my future - i simply just look to His light which radiates from all who Christ is.
Lord, i beg you to not leave me unchanged tonight. One day at a time.
I know the fact that school is ending for the quarter has much to do with the fact that i've been very much so caught up in digesting the events in September.
I process, not sure that if i had the chance to change the ending of the story, i necessarily would. Some say things ended 'as the Lord willed it.' This has never been a satisfactory answer for me, so instead, i decide to look through the lens that the way things ended has been "Gods grace" to me in ways that will take time to understand.
Hope is a frightening thing to me. Dreaming is a frightening thing to me. To dream and to hope for things out of my control is an extremely frightening thing to me. I'm not sure if I've always been weary of it, or if it's been as a result of my past relationship, but either way its frightening.
But it comes natural. It's intriguing to dream about things that could be. About romance, about commitment. About receiving the kind of love that is willing to pay money, make risky investments, and look foolish.
I struggle to contrast my world with the worlds around me, not even if i should be in the first place, and how dreaming works within it.
The marraige thing for a single girl who is terrified it's never in her future, is simply frightening. To be in Leavenworth, with every close friend who knows my heart married or in committed relationships...it makes you think, and often time that the problem lies inwardly.
It's simply untrue. There has been a young gentleman at the hotel over the weekend that calmed and reassured in many ways. He was young, fit, and attractive, and took an interest in myself. His family joked it was my smile and personality. Regardless of the follow through on any of it, to be appreciated by the opposite sex as a person of interest restored a bit of confidence in me. He was simply was not my type in many ways, but nonetheless, he was extremely attractive, and he 'saw' me. That means i am seeable.
I hate that so much of how i perceive relationships and how they work has been so twisted by the pain caused in the past. Not all men play it safe, and its been encouraging to have a couple examples in my life of men who put up with hundreds of miles of distance to make it work with a person they care about, and have a deep desire to invest in. Its encouraging to me to watch girls make the mistakes and 'throw him away,' and yet when she comes to her senses, he has the grace to take her back. I don't think it's because he's 'whipped' as much as he is gracious, and certain of the prize. It's so sweet and encouraging on one side, and devastating at the same time in the sense that brt apparently never felt anywhere near there with me. I am uncertain that is true, but i am certain that is the message i was lead to believe. For the first time, i question if he is one of the most selfish people i know in a very good disguise. Was i used in the entirety of the relationship? The answers to these questions don't change the outcome, but i'm not sure that throwing them out the door as 'irrelevant' is the best way to handle it either. Why? Because well over a year later, the question i never let myself think about it still matters. You know a persons character not in the surface actions, but in the deep places where the choice to love makes all the difference or breaks you completely. Perhaps its in that deep place that cowardice or heroism is revealed. Words only embellish ones character.
I do believe that to say he couldn't be with me because of the distance is a cop out. If you care about a person, you make it work. No, the issue is that brt could never accept me, for my beautiful traits or my shortcomings, because he cannot accept his qualities and imperfections. He is looking for a perfect that doesn't exsist, and so fills the gap with temporary 'girls.' Was I a girl who mattered? i would like to think so. But I was easily and quickly replaced with another blonde, which only leaves me to believe that i never stood out to him in the first place. Perhaps on a level of moral goodness I stood out, but to not accept my shortcomings is not to accept the truest form of myself; a total mess, overly sensitive, an over thinker, and too serious about the small stuff. Love covers these things. There is no freedom in the shadow of one who can't forgive and see the other as forgiven.
To be fair to him, perhaps he wasn't the only one that was a blind. I was sure that the person i knew had a deeper understanding of these things. I misjudged him too. I knew he was a mess, i was unaware how he actually felt about me. His words were just that; words. Words hold their weight in full when actions back them. No action makes words cheap. No logical person would disagree with that. I do believe that Brt knew me better than anyone up to that day in early summer 2011. I also believe with that knowledge, i have never been more misunderstood by anyone, and its a scar that may not heal with time, but can be relieved with love from another.
I often get commented on how 'strong' i am for walking through a season of life that is lifeless and directionless, marked with many tears. I'm not sure this strength has been born out of wanting to do the right thing as much as 'to be strong' is less of a choice and more a forced state of being. I have no fighter in my physical corner, so the only option is to head toward self destruction, or take the Lord at His word that he has a plan i can't see in all this.
It's incredibly lonely to not have a 'fighter in my corner.' I know that i haven't arrived here without the Lords careful planning and directing. There is much to be learned here, and i know that this journey has meant for everyone forward motion, i dig my heels in twice, and cry countless tears. I struggle to find the line between digging up the past and dealing with the feelings and emotions of a broken heart healthily. I want to be known, and i want to believe and dream freely for that to come in the future. And i want to continue to walk into the future i ever so feebly and inconsistenly believe in.
But what can i be sure of? That the Lord holds stronger to me than I to Him. He is more committed to goodness in my life that I am, and He is much more committed to getting me there too. In all this, i know God is gracious. I know God is strong, and God has not abandoned me, the work of his hands, his precious and chosen daughter. I am delivered from the darkness of myself, of my confusion, and my future - i simply just look to His light which radiates from all who Christ is.
Lord, i beg you to not leave me unchanged tonight. One day at a time.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Words that challenge today:
"I discovered that sorrow was not to be feared but rather endured with hope and expectancy that God would use it to bless my life"
-none other than Jill Briscoe.
"...in the shadow of his hand he hid me;
he made me into a polished arrow
and concealed me in his quiver.
3 He said to me, “You are my servant,
Israel, in whom I will display my splendor”
4 But I said, “I have labored in vain;
I have spent my strength for nothing at all.
Yet what is due me is in the Lord’s hand,
and my reward is with my God.”
"I discovered that sorrow was not to be feared but rather endured with hope and expectancy that God would use it to bless my life"
-none other than Jill Briscoe.
"...in the shadow of his hand he hid me;
he made me into a polished arrow
and concealed me in his quiver.
3 He said to me, “You are my servant,
Israel, in whom I will display my splendor”
4 But I said, “I have labored in vain;
I have spent my strength for nothing at all.
Yet what is due me is in the Lord’s hand,
and my reward is with my God.”
Friday, November 30, 2012
Couple random thoughts i want to keep in mind for the future:
1) social work vs business
2) School in California vs School in Indiana
3) Decorating has just as much to do with color and pattern as it does texture. Burlap and lace.
But what's really on my mind most of the day? It's a continuance of grace, piled at the end with a bit of hope.
I don't think anyone want's to be admit that another 'got over' them. Certainly no guy can admit that a girl they really liked simply moved on, and conversely, in the same pride, no girl likes to admit a male they respect and care fore now is careless towards them.
Of all the human emotions i've ever felt, rejection has, without question, been the most brutal. Not rejection of an application or a job. Not even 'breaking up' with the person you most care about. Those rejections are difficult in the moment and fade in the light of circumstances and life.
I can't shake the frustration, the hurt, and the sadness that comes from my love being rejected. that sounds dramatic, even to myself as i formed the words. It's one thing to be rejected by something that you like, it's entirely different to rejected by someone you love. It's a strange phenomenon to me that I can feel alright, fine, even a bit optismistic in the motions of day and the carrying on into the next stages of life, and yet still feel...uncomfortable...
I can't define it. I'm not sure how to label it. I care, but the rejection and the length of time I cared makes me to tired to care anymore. I am in love with who he is, yet comfortable with the near certainty that he won't be coming back. It's just strange to feel over it, and yet think about it. To not have him in my life is comfortable. To know he rejected me on the basis that "it's not you, it's me" makes me uncomfortable in my skin.
It was simple, the owner of the company i work for has three daughters. All of the beautiful, and all of them in their later 20's before they got married. There is just something that puts me at peace knowing that what the Lord has for me is worth the wait.
And for this moment, i believe there is something waiting with all my heart. He has good things stored up for those that trust Him.
1) social work vs business
2) School in California vs School in Indiana
3) Decorating has just as much to do with color and pattern as it does texture. Burlap and lace.
But what's really on my mind most of the day? It's a continuance of grace, piled at the end with a bit of hope.
I don't think anyone want's to be admit that another 'got over' them. Certainly no guy can admit that a girl they really liked simply moved on, and conversely, in the same pride, no girl likes to admit a male they respect and care fore now is careless towards them.
Of all the human emotions i've ever felt, rejection has, without question, been the most brutal. Not rejection of an application or a job. Not even 'breaking up' with the person you most care about. Those rejections are difficult in the moment and fade in the light of circumstances and life.
I can't shake the frustration, the hurt, and the sadness that comes from my love being rejected. that sounds dramatic, even to myself as i formed the words. It's one thing to be rejected by something that you like, it's entirely different to rejected by someone you love. It's a strange phenomenon to me that I can feel alright, fine, even a bit optismistic in the motions of day and the carrying on into the next stages of life, and yet still feel...uncomfortable...
I can't define it. I'm not sure how to label it. I care, but the rejection and the length of time I cared makes me to tired to care anymore. I am in love with who he is, yet comfortable with the near certainty that he won't be coming back. It's just strange to feel over it, and yet think about it. To not have him in my life is comfortable. To know he rejected me on the basis that "it's not you, it's me" makes me uncomfortable in my skin.
It was simple, the owner of the company i work for has three daughters. All of the beautiful, and all of them in their later 20's before they got married. There is just something that puts me at peace knowing that what the Lord has for me is worth the wait.
And for this moment, i believe there is something waiting with all my heart. He has good things stored up for those that trust Him.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Gods reckless grace; our greatest hope.
Part of extending grace? Letting it be okay that things of the past you really want to 'be over,' resurface in a way that's healthy. To say "i'm not going to think about that," in essence is to not heal. Conversely, to think about the past, the things you cannot change, all the time, is to cling to an idol that is pretty worthless.
Today, it's scenerio one.
I started reading a title that i should have followed through and read a long time ago: The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller. Another rendition of Luke 15, and one that is, as far as i can tell being 30 pages in, well done.
I have read commentaries on this parables, and many have left me with an answered question. We know the younger brother (representing the taxcollecters, the sinners, the 'wayward') is gifted a reckless grace, not for his works, but because of the love of the Father. The older brother (representing the morally upright, legalistic, religious leaders) also blows it, and the Fathers reckless grace pleads with his hard heart to join the celebration.
Although there is a mixture of both the boys in me, in simple terms i would have to pick the oldest brother as the one i most identify with. This is my question: Of what value is it to the Father, or indeed to myself in simple benefit versus opportunity costs analysis, to stay proverbially home?
Is to stay home to be more Father like? The longer i spend time in His presence, the more i become like him? In characteristic? In suffering? In sacrifice?
Perhaps i'm asking questions of that text it's not meant to answer. But i've always wondered; if 'screwing up' and returning home on the basis of survival means = the best celebration you've ever experienced, than 'walking through the deserts' natural to life with Christ, hard work, perseverance = ?
Just questions. What is the effect in the long run? in the short run? Is there a clear winner here? The parable leaves me thinking that in the end, the younger son is soft of heart and the older son is just a loser.
----
"The father patiently endures a tremendous loss of honor as well as the pain of rejected love. Ordinary when our love is rejected we get angry, retaliate, and do what we can to diminish our affection for the rejecting person, so we won't hurt so much. But this father maintains his affection for his son and bears the agony."
The door is closed, and i'm relieved for that. I don't like or dislike him. I'm not infuriated or bitter. I hurt from a deep rejection of who i am and the love that i freely gave (being free doesn't imply holding or having no value). I'm know i love him, but i'm not in love with him. I don't want him, but i don't like the idea of pushing him away either - his issue still deeply upset me. Kellers sentences were where i was, and maybe a bit of who i am. It's kind of paradoxical i suppose - and i hardly understand it myself.
Unconnected from those thoughts, I pray and plead with the Lord to reveal who i am to myself. I trust that although i feel dreamless, visionless and uncertain as to the future, He is working in my heart, installing things i can't see or feel, so when the opportunity does come, I will know, and I will be ready.
If He has a purpose, as is promised, He will burden my heart for it. It's just not going to be one of those "i've wanted to be a doctor since i was 5" things. Rather, I trust that when the right thing has come at the right time, i will be able to respond rather spontaneously in certain assurance that 'this' is what I've been looking for, explaining these days where i struggle to see a light or feel wanted or important.
So the hope today? Christ in me - the hope of glory, for now, and for eternity. He knows me. He sees me. He takes thought of me.
Today, it's scenerio one.
I started reading a title that i should have followed through and read a long time ago: The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller. Another rendition of Luke 15, and one that is, as far as i can tell being 30 pages in, well done.
I have read commentaries on this parables, and many have left me with an answered question. We know the younger brother (representing the taxcollecters, the sinners, the 'wayward') is gifted a reckless grace, not for his works, but because of the love of the Father. The older brother (representing the morally upright, legalistic, religious leaders) also blows it, and the Fathers reckless grace pleads with his hard heart to join the celebration.
Although there is a mixture of both the boys in me, in simple terms i would have to pick the oldest brother as the one i most identify with. This is my question: Of what value is it to the Father, or indeed to myself in simple benefit versus opportunity costs analysis, to stay proverbially home?
Is to stay home to be more Father like? The longer i spend time in His presence, the more i become like him? In characteristic? In suffering? In sacrifice?
Perhaps i'm asking questions of that text it's not meant to answer. But i've always wondered; if 'screwing up' and returning home on the basis of survival means = the best celebration you've ever experienced, than 'walking through the deserts' natural to life with Christ, hard work, perseverance = ?
Just questions. What is the effect in the long run? in the short run? Is there a clear winner here? The parable leaves me thinking that in the end, the younger son is soft of heart and the older son is just a loser.
----
"The father patiently endures a tremendous loss of honor as well as the pain of rejected love. Ordinary when our love is rejected we get angry, retaliate, and do what we can to diminish our affection for the rejecting person, so we won't hurt so much. But this father maintains his affection for his son and bears the agony."
The door is closed, and i'm relieved for that. I don't like or dislike him. I'm not infuriated or bitter. I hurt from a deep rejection of who i am and the love that i freely gave (being free doesn't imply holding or having no value). I'm know i love him, but i'm not in love with him. I don't want him, but i don't like the idea of pushing him away either - his issue still deeply upset me. Kellers sentences were where i was, and maybe a bit of who i am. It's kind of paradoxical i suppose - and i hardly understand it myself.
Unconnected from those thoughts, I pray and plead with the Lord to reveal who i am to myself. I trust that although i feel dreamless, visionless and uncertain as to the future, He is working in my heart, installing things i can't see or feel, so when the opportunity does come, I will know, and I will be ready.
If He has a purpose, as is promised, He will burden my heart for it. It's just not going to be one of those "i've wanted to be a doctor since i was 5" things. Rather, I trust that when the right thing has come at the right time, i will be able to respond rather spontaneously in certain assurance that 'this' is what I've been looking for, explaining these days where i struggle to see a light or feel wanted or important.
So the hope today? Christ in me - the hope of glory, for now, and for eternity. He knows me. He sees me. He takes thought of me.
Monday, November 26, 2012
glimpses of living hope & sustaining grace
*breathe in, "abba, i belong to you" *breathe out, "abba, i belong to you"
New day, with a new start.
My pastor made a point in his sermon that was specifically for me, and me alone.
What are the holidays about? Friends and family? Yes, but not in their entirety.
A lot of the battle and tension in my heart has come out of the feelings of being alone - a place I've been before, and a place I've never dealt well with. With holidays approaching, no special someone to take thought of me or to take thought of, and no friends that are here (physical proximity) to enjoy this time with, it's simple to dislike holidays. If they are about friends and family, then i should be depressed.
But that isn't the point. The point is the cross. It's simple, it's obvious, but it's not something i had in front of me. Faith, hope, and Love. And the greatest of these? Love.
I was blessed and encouraged last night as i lay in bed, still feeling completely miserable, reading 1 samuel 1&2. Hannah, miserable, tired, and exhausted by the sorrow in her own life - i get it. Wanting something that she had no control over. I get that.
vs 9, 11 " In her deep anguish, Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. If you will only look upon your servants misery and remember me..."
vs 12 "As she kept on praying..." In response to Eli's questioning: I am a woman deeply troubled; i've been pouring out my soul to the Lord out of my grief and anguish.
vs 18 "Then she went on her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast"
vs 19 "...and the Lord remembered her..."
Chapter 2.3 In thankfulness, Hannah declares "for the Lord is a God who knows"
Hagar discovered A seeing God - she was seen. Hannah discovered a God who listens - she was known.
I am known, I am seen.
So here is to a brand new day: Hello chapter 8 - costs of production. Hello chapter 9 - pure competition.
I am choosing to give my heart to the Lord who knows, who sees, who has purpose for my little life. I am choosing to live in the peace he freely gave on the cross, the sustaining grace that allows me to operate within the paradoxes of faith and flesh. I am His, His child.
Charissa - Praise be to the God and Father of your Lord, Jesus Christ. In His great mercy He has given you a new birth into a living hope. This hope is through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. You have been given an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith, are shielded by God's power until the coming of salvation....Therefore Charissa, with a mind that is alert and fully sober, set your hope fully on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed in His coming. 1 Peter 1
I can praise, be thankful, think on these things. He is strong. And i'm going to eat chocolate.
New day, with a new start.
My pastor made a point in his sermon that was specifically for me, and me alone.
What are the holidays about? Friends and family? Yes, but not in their entirety.
A lot of the battle and tension in my heart has come out of the feelings of being alone - a place I've been before, and a place I've never dealt well with. With holidays approaching, no special someone to take thought of me or to take thought of, and no friends that are here (physical proximity) to enjoy this time with, it's simple to dislike holidays. If they are about friends and family, then i should be depressed.
But that isn't the point. The point is the cross. It's simple, it's obvious, but it's not something i had in front of me. Faith, hope, and Love. And the greatest of these? Love.
I was blessed and encouraged last night as i lay in bed, still feeling completely miserable, reading 1 samuel 1&2. Hannah, miserable, tired, and exhausted by the sorrow in her own life - i get it. Wanting something that she had no control over. I get that.
vs 9, 11 " In her deep anguish, Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. If you will only look upon your servants misery and remember me..."
vs 12 "As she kept on praying..." In response to Eli's questioning: I am a woman deeply troubled; i've been pouring out my soul to the Lord out of my grief and anguish.
vs 18 "Then she went on her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast"
vs 19 "...and the Lord remembered her..."
Chapter 2.3 In thankfulness, Hannah declares "for the Lord is a God who knows"
Hagar discovered A seeing God - she was seen. Hannah discovered a God who listens - she was known.
I am known, I am seen.
So here is to a brand new day: Hello chapter 8 - costs of production. Hello chapter 9 - pure competition.
I am choosing to give my heart to the Lord who knows, who sees, who has purpose for my little life. I am choosing to live in the peace he freely gave on the cross, the sustaining grace that allows me to operate within the paradoxes of faith and flesh. I am His, His child.
Charissa - Praise be to the God and Father of your Lord, Jesus Christ. In His great mercy He has given you a new birth into a living hope. This hope is through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. You have been given an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith, are shielded by God's power until the coming of salvation....Therefore Charissa, with a mind that is alert and fully sober, set your hope fully on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed in His coming. 1 Peter 1
I can praise, be thankful, think on these things. He is strong. And i'm going to eat chocolate.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Seeing through a new lense.
And the hardest part was letting go, not taking part. And the strangest thing was waiting for that bell to ring. It was the strangest start.
I could feel it go down. Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth. Silver lining the cloud, I wish that i could work it out.
And the hardest part was letting go, not taking part. You really broke my heart. I tried to sing,
but I couldn’t think of anything. And that was the hardest part.
I could feel it go down, you left the sweetest taste in my mouth. You're a silver lining the clouds, and i've wondered what it's all about.
Everything I know is wrong, everything I do just comes undone. And everything is torn apart.
That’s the hardest part.
----
I get it.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
A day of pilgrimage
 |
| Bits of truth. |
I'm just exhausted again today. Holidays are always painful for me. I know it was Thanksgiving, a time to be thankful for all those grand and great things done for me, all the grand and great things i have, all the grand and great things in the future.
Although i am aware of the truths surrounding me, it's other voices that scream the loudest. I've been lashing out and unreasonable. The lashes are fueled with a venom I don't recognize in myself. I know that life is difficult for this time. But the kick back of those feelings leaves me a bit scared. I'm not a screamer. I don't slam things around, or throw objects at walls. That's not me.
But that person is me today.
I know it's all linked. The loneliness. The disappointment. The uncertainty. Being unseen. Feeling unwanted, unattractive physically, ruined inwardly. I'm far to hard on myself, but it still is the only explaination that seems satisfactory when trying to reason why I'm here.
Today: Desert? yup. Dealing with it? Nope. Why? I haven't a clue how.
It's another day i just don't know how to unpack all the tension that i have in my heart.
Is this the end, the kick back, of my life, my dreams with Brady? With Capernwray? Is this the painful ending?
I hope so. I want a new beginning. Not necessarily with a new man, but a new beginning of hope. Brighter days. Clarity. Direction.
But instead i'm hopeless, devastated, and nameless. I hate how holidays make me feel so alone.
-----
Lord, i know you are there. I can't find you.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
To feel alone
"Blessed are those whose strength is in You, who have set their heart on pilgrimage" psalm 84.
It seems to me that much of life (years, months, days, hours, minutes) is spent 'feeling your way through the dark' so to speak. These days are spent blindly trusting the good Lord Jesus that He sees something that I can't, that He loves me far to much to allow me to needlessly dabble in darkness and my sin.
If this place a result of hardness of heart, i trust His grace and mercy meet me there, leading me out of that place. And if this place is the desert He has brought me to purposefully, i wait, and pray for an incandescent faith that can only come from Him anyways.
The past has been heavier on my mind today. My past comes to mind daily, but today it's sat at the entrance of the deepest parts of my heart. I'm not emotional, upset, or wish things were different anymore. I'm more just contemplative of how this plays into the future, and why all the events in my life surrounding brt happened in the past.
When he closed the door, i mentally closed the door as well. My heart kicked and screamed for a while, but now its finally followed. There's a numbness that comes with that, of which is difficult to explain. I don't dream of him, i'm not emotionally attached. I want to leave the door shut on this. It's just a bit confusing to know that only a short couple months ago, i would have gladly picked up my life and changed things dramatically to be with him, and now knowing neither of us every plan on revisiting 'us' again. It's just strange to me.
It's also strange to me to be schooling in the light of some other twists in the road. the fall out (again) with brt came at the same time that Jenelle moved, Justine moved, and Amanda is now full time RN, housewife, homeowner. Its strange and confusing, causing me to be rather contemplative. Am i standing on the edge of a dramatic change for myself? Or is the Lord leading me deeper into the desert?
I feel fine - not unsafe, not scared. I go to bed knowing i'm where i'm supposed to be today, but i still feel lonely, and i feel particularly lonely tonight.
So i make the journey to my bed, into my cold sheets, and give my heart to the Lord, trusting in things i can't see, praying for faith thats certain of the things i don't understand. I am grateful for a Savior, Lord and Friend that i can honestly unpack my loneliness with. In Him, i can live in the midst of it and not feel foolish. It is good to be a child of God. I can feel through things that would otherwise be taboo if relying on my own strength.
And with all of that, knowing the value of repetition, i remind myself again:
"Blessed are those whose strength is in You, who have set their heart on pilgrimage" psalm 84.
It seems to me that much of life (years, months, days, hours, minutes) is spent 'feeling your way through the dark' so to speak. These days are spent blindly trusting the good Lord Jesus that He sees something that I can't, that He loves me far to much to allow me to needlessly dabble in darkness and my sin.
If this place a result of hardness of heart, i trust His grace and mercy meet me there, leading me out of that place. And if this place is the desert He has brought me to purposefully, i wait, and pray for an incandescent faith that can only come from Him anyways.
The past has been heavier on my mind today. My past comes to mind daily, but today it's sat at the entrance of the deepest parts of my heart. I'm not emotional, upset, or wish things were different anymore. I'm more just contemplative of how this plays into the future, and why all the events in my life surrounding brt happened in the past.
When he closed the door, i mentally closed the door as well. My heart kicked and screamed for a while, but now its finally followed. There's a numbness that comes with that, of which is difficult to explain. I don't dream of him, i'm not emotionally attached. I want to leave the door shut on this. It's just a bit confusing to know that only a short couple months ago, i would have gladly picked up my life and changed things dramatically to be with him, and now knowing neither of us every plan on revisiting 'us' again. It's just strange to me.
It's also strange to me to be schooling in the light of some other twists in the road. the fall out (again) with brt came at the same time that Jenelle moved, Justine moved, and Amanda is now full time RN, housewife, homeowner. Its strange and confusing, causing me to be rather contemplative. Am i standing on the edge of a dramatic change for myself? Or is the Lord leading me deeper into the desert?
I feel fine - not unsafe, not scared. I go to bed knowing i'm where i'm supposed to be today, but i still feel lonely, and i feel particularly lonely tonight.
So i make the journey to my bed, into my cold sheets, and give my heart to the Lord, trusting in things i can't see, praying for faith thats certain of the things i don't understand. I am grateful for a Savior, Lord and Friend that i can honestly unpack my loneliness with. In Him, i can live in the midst of it and not feel foolish. It is good to be a child of God. I can feel through things that would otherwise be taboo if relying on my own strength.
And with all of that, knowing the value of repetition, i remind myself again:
"Blessed are those whose strength is in You, who have set their heart on pilgrimage" psalm 84.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Little Dreams
"Those who look to to Him are radiant"
that verse is paralleling when Moses comes down from the mountain with the commandments in Exodus. He came down with his face shining because he met with the Lord, his Savior, his Rock, his Refuge. They had to hide his face with a veil.
That story was pretty powerful for me today. Do i walk away in 'radiance' after meeting with the Father? if so, i think often its short lived.
I'm continuing to arrive at a place of peace with where i am at. Writing papers, studying for economic exams, writing insights on discussion boards, recording inventory both perpetually and periodically...this is my tending sheep. If i am student, i can be student to the glory of God and for the good of those around me and myself. Working at the hotel is tending the sheep (it often times feel quite literal). If the good Lord Jesus has seen this fit to be my lot in life for this time, than i am grateful it is only by the work of His spirit I am moving from wrestling to resting in heart.
Now you may be wondering what on earth this has to do with peacock plates. A couple weeks ago i was having a wander around Pier One with Amanda as she picked out pillows and paintings for her house, and i found these little gems. I know they are silly little glass plates (the picture doesn't do them justice, promise!), but for the first time i started to dream a little - maybe the school thing, which hopefully will lead to the career thing is an okay place to be headed. I a white washed apartment decorated in rich greens and blues with fun little accents like these silly little plates.
I discovered that they were purchased, and have my name on them for Christmas. Yes, these little plates led to a place in my heart that i haven't ever really ventured. Perhaps for the fear of the unknown, or for fear of disappointment, i always struggle to 'dream a bit.' But these plates, priced at a ridiculous $15, stand for a bit more to me.
I'm not sure where the tending sheep will lead, but i'm less afraid of it today than i was yesterday. And i'm really hoping that my 'tending' will lead to an A on my accounting test tomorrow. *deep breathe.
that verse is paralleling when Moses comes down from the mountain with the commandments in Exodus. He came down with his face shining because he met with the Lord, his Savior, his Rock, his Refuge. They had to hide his face with a veil.
That story was pretty powerful for me today. Do i walk away in 'radiance' after meeting with the Father? if so, i think often its short lived.
Now you may be wondering what on earth this has to do with peacock plates. A couple weeks ago i was having a wander around Pier One with Amanda as she picked out pillows and paintings for her house, and i found these little gems. I know they are silly little glass plates (the picture doesn't do them justice, promise!), but for the first time i started to dream a little - maybe the school thing, which hopefully will lead to the career thing is an okay place to be headed. I a white washed apartment decorated in rich greens and blues with fun little accents like these silly little plates.
I discovered that they were purchased, and have my name on them for Christmas. Yes, these little plates led to a place in my heart that i haven't ever really ventured. Perhaps for the fear of the unknown, or for fear of disappointment, i always struggle to 'dream a bit.' But these plates, priced at a ridiculous $15, stand for a bit more to me.
I'm not sure where the tending sheep will lead, but i'm less afraid of it today than i was yesterday. And i'm really hoping that my 'tending' will lead to an A on my accounting test tomorrow. *deep breathe.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
"The fog is a protection for you, calling you back into the present moment. Although I inhabit all of the space and time, you can communicate with ME only here and now. Someday the fog will no longer be necessary, for you will have learned to keep your focus on Me and on the path just ahead of you."
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12
----
Just for a couple small moments, hope flows to excitement. There are brighter days to come, and they are worth waiting for.
This waiting ('waiting' here should by synonymous with seeking) on the Lord discipline is difficult. Today, I am sure that 'wait' is worth it.
Just for today, i'm daring to dream a little. Its a bit uncomfortable, but i sense the Father is pleased. I know He's asking me to loosen the grip and my guard on my heart, but for today i know this is enough.
Monday, November 12, 2012
simpler days
First snowfall.
Burning candles, baking pumpkin cookies, listening to the wisdom and insights of Jill Briscoe.
Jon Foreman and the gym - 3 miles, a couple rotations. A reassuring kind of sore.
Work and homework and not feeling overwhelmed.
Comforted in the blurryness. Nothings changed, but I feel looked after, healthier, a bit more certain of today than i did yesterday. When He says He is friend, it means He is friend. When He says He binds up the brokenhearted, it means He is binding up the brokeness of my heart. He cares for me as I am, not for who i should be.
His promises are true. Sometimes His promises manifest themselves in pumpkin cookies. They speak of certain grace today.
Burning candles, baking pumpkin cookies, listening to the wisdom and insights of Jill Briscoe.
Jon Foreman and the gym - 3 miles, a couple rotations. A reassuring kind of sore.
Work and homework and not feeling overwhelmed.
Comforted in the blurryness. Nothings changed, but I feel looked after, healthier, a bit more certain of today than i did yesterday. When He says He is friend, it means He is friend. When He says He binds up the brokenhearted, it means He is binding up the brokeness of my heart. He cares for me as I am, not for who i should be.
His promises are true. Sometimes His promises manifest themselves in pumpkin cookies. They speak of certain grace today.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
another brand new
There is something about movies that i love.
I specifically love the theater. Once you overlook the overpriced popcorn and soft drinks, there is something comforting to me about sitting in a dark theater with hundred of others, laughing at the same jokes, enjoying the same entertainment. I can turn off from the 'trauma' of my everday, and emotionally connect and feel elsewhere. That may sound strange, perhaps a bit unhealthy, but its really therapuetic. The entire experience is relieving to me.
Taking those breaks from my own reality gives me a bit more perspective, encourages control and a gentle and assured calm in facing the anxiety and fear toward my present and my future.
My midterm for econ did end in lots of tears after the results. I put hours and hours and hours into studying for that test, and still fell short of my expectations. That was humbling, and difficult, another stab in the side of an already bleeding insecurity. I came home, cried in the shower, and felt better. I know that it was just another yank at my heart from the Father to hang up the uncertainty at the door and simply sit at His feet, in His presence. He is holding my hand and holding my tears. I know it's where i need to be, and i feel the spirit prodding me into returning to the Lord, fighting for faith the best I can when everything else seems to repel. Just like the test, the Lord is only asking for the best i can do. He wants my faith, not my composure.
There are deserts in life. I still prefer desserts, but i see the benefits of deserts. I will explain. These thoughts occurred to me after i woke up from a nap, after the long shower of tears.
The bible is a source of encouragement; specifically the old testament which has been a near and dear friend to me. I love the stories of biblical 'giants' - Moses, David, Daniel, Joshua, Gideon, Samuel, Joseph and the like. We remember them for their victories - slaying giants, defeating armies, faithful leadership, following the Lords guidance in the face of fear, etc. But what we don't remember them for is all the long years of waiting, confusion, wondering, and searching that plagued their lives.
Moses felt the Lord put it on his heart to protect His people. He killed the Egyptian, and spent the next 40 years in the desert of Midian tending sheep (on a side note, I've always loved Moses for being an 'insecure leader' who only accomplished what God put before him by faithful obedience). The Lord used him significantly after a time of humbling.
I love David, who was a nobody, noname brother who also spent many years tending sheep when God starting using him significantly. David, the mighty warrior and king was well acquainted with deserts and darkness (psalm 22).
Elijah, a man just like us who prayed (James 5.17) had no reason to every doubt the Lords power. He prayed for rain, it rained. He prayed for the Lord to rain fire on the preists of baal, and He did. Even this man spent much time in the desert. He despaired of his own life, cursing the day he was born. But the Lord met him in the desert, giving him rest, giving him nourishment, and revealed Himself to him in the loudest of whispers.
Jesus himself knew the loneliness and trial of the desert. 40 days in the that physical place, a lifetime figuratively.
The cadence of scripture seems to point back to these seasons, and these seasons as being significant. Sometimes we are there by our own choices and actions - for their unbelief and disobedience, Gods chosen people spent 40 years. Sometimes we are there because of others choices and actions. Hagar and Ishmael were sent there to die, and yet, as Hagar so beautifully articulates "you are the God who sees me." It was in the wilderness she met her Savior, and left that place knowing in her heart and soul He would not abandon the work of His hands. She left with promises. And sometimes God draws us to the desert to teach us a great many things - to strengthen, to test, to loving build up faith, to weed us of our tendency to wander, to depend on our own strength. Moses, David, Elijah, Daniel, Joseph, Gideon and the like. I am not alone.
Its in the desert i cry, unpack my disappointment, unpack my hurt, unpack my confusion, unpack my new lack of faith in contrast with all the certainty I've felt over the last several years. In the last several days i have not heard a loud booming voice, a word of clarity, a passage of peace. But i have felt the spirit intercede on my behalf, and quietly remind my heart i can He safely unpacks all the messiness i feel. He wants my faith and my heart, not my composure and wholeness. He brings those, those are His works. I know in my heart i need to keep pushing in, keep unpacking the baggage in front of Him. Only He can bring healing, can bring darkness to light. Scripture says He's delivered us out of the kingdom of darkness and into His wonderful light. I've been saved from this, and I've been saved for so much more.
So i'm not sure if today is any less dark, foggy or cloudy than the days previous. But i do know this: Today, i took time to rest my heart through journaling, chose to accept myself for who i am despite the chaos and pressure of my failures. I've chosen to sit in my tears and silence with the Father. I've watched a movie, took time for myself, and rested.
And as i end my day and crawl into my cold sheets, i know that i have met with my Savior, my God. My Rock, my Fortress (psalm 62). There are still not answers, I still ache, i still wonder how i came here. But the Lord in His goodness knows me, and is present in the mess. I'm in a desert of my life, preferring dessert (i really want chocolate cake all the time), and He knows. Him knowing means i am not forgotten, I am not unseen, I am not worthless or unworthy. I am worthy and deeply loved and i can know this because the Creator of the universe takes thought of me.
----
"But as for me, I would seek God, and I would place my cause before God, who does great and unsearchable things, wonders without number. He gives rain on the earth and sends water on the fields, so that He sets on high those who are lowly, and those who morn are lifted to safety. Behold, how happy is the man whom God reproves, so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. For he inflicts pain, and gives relief; He wounds, and His hands also heal. " Job 5
I specifically love the theater. Once you overlook the overpriced popcorn and soft drinks, there is something comforting to me about sitting in a dark theater with hundred of others, laughing at the same jokes, enjoying the same entertainment. I can turn off from the 'trauma' of my everday, and emotionally connect and feel elsewhere. That may sound strange, perhaps a bit unhealthy, but its really therapuetic. The entire experience is relieving to me.
Taking those breaks from my own reality gives me a bit more perspective, encourages control and a gentle and assured calm in facing the anxiety and fear toward my present and my future.
My midterm for econ did end in lots of tears after the results. I put hours and hours and hours into studying for that test, and still fell short of my expectations. That was humbling, and difficult, another stab in the side of an already bleeding insecurity. I came home, cried in the shower, and felt better. I know that it was just another yank at my heart from the Father to hang up the uncertainty at the door and simply sit at His feet, in His presence. He is holding my hand and holding my tears. I know it's where i need to be, and i feel the spirit prodding me into returning to the Lord, fighting for faith the best I can when everything else seems to repel. Just like the test, the Lord is only asking for the best i can do. He wants my faith, not my composure.
There are deserts in life. I still prefer desserts, but i see the benefits of deserts. I will explain. These thoughts occurred to me after i woke up from a nap, after the long shower of tears.
The bible is a source of encouragement; specifically the old testament which has been a near and dear friend to me. I love the stories of biblical 'giants' - Moses, David, Daniel, Joshua, Gideon, Samuel, Joseph and the like. We remember them for their victories - slaying giants, defeating armies, faithful leadership, following the Lords guidance in the face of fear, etc. But what we don't remember them for is all the long years of waiting, confusion, wondering, and searching that plagued their lives.
Moses felt the Lord put it on his heart to protect His people. He killed the Egyptian, and spent the next 40 years in the desert of Midian tending sheep (on a side note, I've always loved Moses for being an 'insecure leader' who only accomplished what God put before him by faithful obedience). The Lord used him significantly after a time of humbling.
I love David, who was a nobody, noname brother who also spent many years tending sheep when God starting using him significantly. David, the mighty warrior and king was well acquainted with deserts and darkness (psalm 22).
Elijah, a man just like us who prayed (James 5.17) had no reason to every doubt the Lords power. He prayed for rain, it rained. He prayed for the Lord to rain fire on the preists of baal, and He did. Even this man spent much time in the desert. He despaired of his own life, cursing the day he was born. But the Lord met him in the desert, giving him rest, giving him nourishment, and revealed Himself to him in the loudest of whispers.
Jesus himself knew the loneliness and trial of the desert. 40 days in the that physical place, a lifetime figuratively.
The cadence of scripture seems to point back to these seasons, and these seasons as being significant. Sometimes we are there by our own choices and actions - for their unbelief and disobedience, Gods chosen people spent 40 years. Sometimes we are there because of others choices and actions. Hagar and Ishmael were sent there to die, and yet, as Hagar so beautifully articulates "you are the God who sees me." It was in the wilderness she met her Savior, and left that place knowing in her heart and soul He would not abandon the work of His hands. She left with promises. And sometimes God draws us to the desert to teach us a great many things - to strengthen, to test, to loving build up faith, to weed us of our tendency to wander, to depend on our own strength. Moses, David, Elijah, Daniel, Joseph, Gideon and the like. I am not alone.
Its in the desert i cry, unpack my disappointment, unpack my hurt, unpack my confusion, unpack my new lack of faith in contrast with all the certainty I've felt over the last several years. In the last several days i have not heard a loud booming voice, a word of clarity, a passage of peace. But i have felt the spirit intercede on my behalf, and quietly remind my heart i can He safely unpacks all the messiness i feel. He wants my faith and my heart, not my composure and wholeness. He brings those, those are His works. I know in my heart i need to keep pushing in, keep unpacking the baggage in front of Him. Only He can bring healing, can bring darkness to light. Scripture says He's delivered us out of the kingdom of darkness and into His wonderful light. I've been saved from this, and I've been saved for so much more.
So i'm not sure if today is any less dark, foggy or cloudy than the days previous. But i do know this: Today, i took time to rest my heart through journaling, chose to accept myself for who i am despite the chaos and pressure of my failures. I've chosen to sit in my tears and silence with the Father. I've watched a movie, took time for myself, and rested.
And as i end my day and crawl into my cold sheets, i know that i have met with my Savior, my God. My Rock, my Fortress (psalm 62). There are still not answers, I still ache, i still wonder how i came here. But the Lord in His goodness knows me, and is present in the mess. I'm in a desert of my life, preferring dessert (i really want chocolate cake all the time), and He knows. Him knowing means i am not forgotten, I am not unseen, I am not worthless or unworthy. I am worthy and deeply loved and i can know this because the Creator of the universe takes thought of me.
----
"But as for me, I would seek God, and I would place my cause before God, who does great and unsearchable things, wonders without number. He gives rain on the earth and sends water on the fields, so that He sets on high those who are lowly, and those who morn are lifted to safety. Behold, how happy is the man whom God reproves, so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. For he inflicts pain, and gives relief; He wounds, and His hands also heal. " Job 5
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
raw feelings
It's another dark day - locking myself into a bathroom stall, experiencing yet another panic attack. This test for econ tomorrow is so stupid, but i don't feel i've grasped the concepts at all.
My insecurity only becomes more prevalent with each passing day. I can't shake the constant nagging and draining voice in my head that challenges me to 'get a life' - no career, no family, and no real direction = messy Charissa.
I have an advisory meeting on Friday, and feel as though if i don't BS or whole heartedly chose a 4 year college with a specific 4 year degree (yes, i have 3 days to decide that) it will be another 15 minutes of crushing failure.
It's cloudy. I feel irrelevant to life, i feel tired, i feel abandoned, hopeless, lost. Where is the laughter?
It was in that panic attack, in the bathroom with the horrible yellow stalls, in SEXTON (i remembered this time) hall, that i read this and identified with it in a whole new way:
1 I am the man who has seen affliction
under the (B)rod of his wrath;
2 he has driven and brought me
(C)into darkness without any light;
3 surely against me he turns his hand
again and again the whole day long.
---
I feel as though the Lord has abandoned me, as if He is allowing my spirit to rot away. This is a stretch, but in some respects i feel like Job - i have been faithful, i have followed what the Lord has put on my heart, I have trusted His sovereignty, in His goodness. Yet i feel completely crushed, alone, never more uncertain of who i am, insignificant, unseen, and now given my new 'relational' insecurity, unwanted. I'm gaining weight, growing in depression. My soul is downcast within me, and i'm helpless as to how to change that. I feel as though i have honored the Lord, but the darkness around me implies i've failed, missed the mark, made up the whole 'guidance' thing.
On one side you want to speak truth, to strengthen yourself in the Lord as David did. I want to pull open a pamphlet, filled with the promises of who i am in Christ - every fiber of myself loved, created with a purpose, daughter of the King, friend of/to Jesus.
I walk by faith, not sight - i know this. But how do you stand, let alone move with no faith, and no sight?
These are dark days. I need a Savior, one who saves me on His strength. I need His rescuing, His pursuit, an overwhelming sense of His desire for me.
Perhaps this is part of the process. for the first time i'm actually mad at him (emphasis on little 'h'). I'm really mad he strung me along, pretending to appreciate me. I feel like he manipulated me, and years later i am reaping it's endless repercussions, and they are ruining me. I am devestated by the fact I fell in love so deeply with a boy who threw it all back in my face as if my heart, time, energy, and care are/were/is worthless. I've been used, and I've never known a pain so deep, ferocious and explosive from the inside out. I feel ruined, stained, broken beyond repair. Again, unseen, without value, hidden. I have no name in the darkness of these woods to others, no name to myself.
I know all this 'history' doesn't define God. I know that and believe that, but I have no peace in the wrestling of these things. Why Lord, and you so absent in this time when you have been so present in the journey to date?
The only conclusion i can draw is that I am complete and utter fool. I need my Savior, my Rock, my God, my Fortress, to be stronger, safer, securer than He's ever been, but i feel as though He has abandoned me.
And yet scriptures says:
--"And this I call to mind, and therefore i have hope. The steadfast love of Lord never ceases"
--"Test me in this" says the Lord Almighty, "And see if i will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room for it".
Malachi 3.10.
Lord, I'm asking for a miracle. I know much of your word, much of your promises. Why are you hidden from me?
Monday, November 5, 2012
Todays Utmost:
"we go through it more or less without understanding." How true this is
of my life today, and it does bring comfort to know that this darkness
is not abnormal, but rather very normal.
I know my heart needs to spend some quality time in Gods ICU right now. It's pumping, but bleeding heavily. I'm told that i struggle with "test anxiety" which is a nice term that means I excessively work myself up over exams because i have no boundaries in my schoolwork. Regardless, the anxiety attack led me straight to the shower; hot water and clean scents are the only things that really calm me down. Something about making yourself 'fresh' seems cause the anxiety to melt. I wonder if it's because that when i feel the most put together.
I don't think this econ test is what's killing me, although it is the brunt and blame of it all.
I know in the depths of me that the Lord is good, but i'm ready for His rescuing. My strength is depleted, and i'm unsure of how to get through my schoolwork without mustering an energy from the depths of my shoes for the day. My heart wants to trust, but my head isn't ready to mentally pursue the Lord. It's a pull i feel from the inside, and again, exhaustion wins tonight.
"you oh lord keep my lamp burning." I pray for the sense of your loving, holding, guiding hands as i crawl into lonely, stiff, cold sheets.
"If you are going to be used by God, He will take you through a
multitude of experiences that are not meant for you at all, they are
meant to make you useful in His hands, and to enable you to understand
what transpires in other souls so that you will never be surprised at
what you come across. Oh, I can’t deal with that person. Why not? God
gave you ample opportunity to soak before Him on that line, and you
barged off because it seemed stupid to spend time in that way.
The sufferings of Christ are not those of ordinary men. He suffered
“according to the will of God,” not from the point of view we suffer
from as individuals. It is only when we are related to Jesus Christ that
we can understand what God is after in His dealings with us. It is part
of Christian culture to know what God’s aim is. In the history of the
Christian Church the tendency has been to evade being identified with
the sufferings of Jesus Christ; men have sought to procure the carrying
out of God’s order by a short cut of their own. God’s way is always the
way of suffering, the way of the “long, long trail.”
Are we partakers of Christ’s sufferings? Are we prepared for God to
stamp our personal ambitions right out? Are we prepared for God to
destroy by transfiguration our individual determinations? It will not
mean that we know exactly why God is taking us that way, that would make
us spiritual prigs. We never realize at the time what God is putting us
through; we go through it more or less misunderstandingly; then we come
to a luminous place, and say – ‘ ‘Why, God has girded me, though I did
not know it!'
I know my heart needs to spend some quality time in Gods ICU right now. It's pumping, but bleeding heavily. I'm told that i struggle with "test anxiety" which is a nice term that means I excessively work myself up over exams because i have no boundaries in my schoolwork. Regardless, the anxiety attack led me straight to the shower; hot water and clean scents are the only things that really calm me down. Something about making yourself 'fresh' seems cause the anxiety to melt. I wonder if it's because that when i feel the most put together.
I don't think this econ test is what's killing me, although it is the brunt and blame of it all.
I know in the depths of me that the Lord is good, but i'm ready for His rescuing. My strength is depleted, and i'm unsure of how to get through my schoolwork without mustering an energy from the depths of my shoes for the day. My heart wants to trust, but my head isn't ready to mentally pursue the Lord. It's a pull i feel from the inside, and again, exhaustion wins tonight.
"you oh lord keep my lamp burning." I pray for the sense of your loving, holding, guiding hands as i crawl into lonely, stiff, cold sheets.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
certain grace
I do believe that the Lord goes before me, just as He has come behind,
as He surrounds me in my present. The future may seem uncertain, but it
only lies a mystery to human eyes. He knows. This is a season where i
feel completely unseen. The absence of my presence at biblestudy, at
gamenights, at work, at school, in landscape of places near and dear to
my heart it only taken notice by myself. But the Lord clearly says that
"He is the God who sees me" (genesis 16). At this point in life, it's
more encouraging to be noticed than anything else.
Perhaps the Lord needed to drag the dream of Capernwray out of me. Perhaps this is what He means by surrender. Perhaps this is the fire required to determine how i'm going to live my life - by my own understanding, dreams and desires, or by His.
Today, to be daughter of the King, to be a follower of the risen Lord Jesus, to be christian means to to hold firmly onto Christ and nothing else.
If I'm uncertain of who I am, than I can be certain of who He is. Perhaps its best to always be in a state of insecurity in yourself - it always drives you back to the only secure, certain, solid ground in this life and that is Christ, and Christ crucified.
I am single, and finally with little to no attachments in my heart to B or to capernwray. It's clear those doors are firmly shut. So what does this mean? Time to dream a little. Time to pray the big prayers over my life that i've spent the last 3 years of my life praying over him.
The Lord has good things instore for those that trust in him. I fully believe that the 'good things' include his presence at present. I'm desperate for life to have meaning, to have purpose during this time. I am loved within my failure to keep my priorities in line. I am loved within the failure of my own struggles.
In the quiet chambers of my heart i know the mess is rather impressive, but the Fathers goodness surrounds me there; it makes all the difference.
"Blessed are those whose strength is in You, who have set their heart on a pilgrimage." Psalm 84.5
Perhaps the Lord needed to drag the dream of Capernwray out of me. Perhaps this is what He means by surrender. Perhaps this is the fire required to determine how i'm going to live my life - by my own understanding, dreams and desires, or by His.
Today, to be daughter of the King, to be a follower of the risen Lord Jesus, to be christian means to to hold firmly onto Christ and nothing else.
If I'm uncertain of who I am, than I can be certain of who He is. Perhaps its best to always be in a state of insecurity in yourself - it always drives you back to the only secure, certain, solid ground in this life and that is Christ, and Christ crucified.
I am single, and finally with little to no attachments in my heart to B or to capernwray. It's clear those doors are firmly shut. So what does this mean? Time to dream a little. Time to pray the big prayers over my life that i've spent the last 3 years of my life praying over him.
The Lord has good things instore for those that trust in him. I fully believe that the 'good things' include his presence at present. I'm desperate for life to have meaning, to have purpose during this time. I am loved within my failure to keep my priorities in line. I am loved within the failure of my own struggles.
In the quiet chambers of my heart i know the mess is rather impressive, but the Fathers goodness surrounds me there; it makes all the difference.
"Blessed are those whose strength is in You, who have set their heart on a pilgrimage." Psalm 84.5
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
calm waters
I hate standing at the printer, with a full library of people staring
through your back, waiting for pages that never come. The problem is
that to press print isn't enough. I knew that, so before i left my
computer, i waited for pop up that requested my printer preferences.
What i didn't know was that the computer asks you, for a third time, if
you would like to print. Apparently the first time wasn't enough.
The awkward librarian is now at my side, making my already awkward self feel much more awkward in the process. She walks me back to my computer, points out the error, and then informs me that it will expense 2 dollars from my student account for 15 pages.
I've wanted to blog for a long time. Journaling turns into private prayers, and i often struggle to find the time and energy to handwrite thoughts and questions that come into everyday life. So this is my new and fresh start at something my heart has been prompting me to do for sometime.
The 'failure to print' scenario seems to sum up much of my life. In a quest to be efficient, purposeful, and intentional, i seem to be perpetually disorganized, 3 steps behind at best, and really tired. Much of it is attributed to busyness these days. Between school, work, the travel between, homework, an attempted social life, and tending to the matters of the heart, my time always seems pressed. If time were money, i'm not doing well at saving. Its in the busyness I miss the important questions, the clarifying points, the details in the margins.
Matters of the heart are heavy these days. Its strange how confusion and heartache weigh each step as i walk the hall, in the building, on the college campus i attend. Its strange to not even remember that buildings name when i've sat in its classrooms going on 5 weeks now. Emotional heaviness leaves you exhausted and inhibits short-term memory. I know i will remember that buildings name forever as soon as i see it tomorrow.
Nothing is more damaging to the human spirit than the kind of confusion that snuffs out hope and looms darkly over uncertain future. These are the days i walk in. The thought in my head at the end of this day, which i know is good gift from my loving Father in heaven is this:
The circumstances of the last year explain my deep insecurity, my feeling of disillusionment, my inability to focus on the hear and now long enough to respond to text message or return a phone call. My past explains my present, but my feelings in this moment don't define me. For some this may seem simple and obvious, but the profoundness of it moved me to tears. I'm feeling boundaryless, overly busy, and tired. But this isn't who i am.
The simple truth is that i am deeply loved, holy, chosen, the daughter of the risen Lord Jesus. What defines me doesn't come from my circumstances, doesn't come from the prospects of my future, doesn't come from how i'm feeling today. There is warmth that comes from my soul all because of the cross. I am saved from myself, and that means today.
If Jesus wept, then its
foolish of me to think that i can or should dry my tears, pull myself up
from my bootstraps, stay calm and carry on. There is a time to weep,
and if Jesus took the time to do it, i can take the time to.
I hear Him tugging at my heart. Not in a demanding or begging kind of way. Its a simple invitation to quiet myself just long enough to escape to the calm waters, the green pastures.
Blessed are those whose strength is in the Lord, who have set their heart on pilgrimage (psalms 84). Return to your rest oh my soul, for the Lord has been good to you (psalm 116).
All these light and momentary troubles fade away in stillness. But the question remains, will i return to the water and drink deep from His presence? My spirit is willing, but today my flesh is so weak.
So often faith holds stronger to me than I to it. The warmth, the safety, the security, the hope remains when all of my lights go out. And that my friends is the goodnews of the gospel.
The awkward librarian is now at my side, making my already awkward self feel much more awkward in the process. She walks me back to my computer, points out the error, and then informs me that it will expense 2 dollars from my student account for 15 pages.
I've wanted to blog for a long time. Journaling turns into private prayers, and i often struggle to find the time and energy to handwrite thoughts and questions that come into everyday life. So this is my new and fresh start at something my heart has been prompting me to do for sometime.
The 'failure to print' scenario seems to sum up much of my life. In a quest to be efficient, purposeful, and intentional, i seem to be perpetually disorganized, 3 steps behind at best, and really tired. Much of it is attributed to busyness these days. Between school, work, the travel between, homework, an attempted social life, and tending to the matters of the heart, my time always seems pressed. If time were money, i'm not doing well at saving. Its in the busyness I miss the important questions, the clarifying points, the details in the margins.
Matters of the heart are heavy these days. Its strange how confusion and heartache weigh each step as i walk the hall, in the building, on the college campus i attend. Its strange to not even remember that buildings name when i've sat in its classrooms going on 5 weeks now. Emotional heaviness leaves you exhausted and inhibits short-term memory. I know i will remember that buildings name forever as soon as i see it tomorrow.
Nothing is more damaging to the human spirit than the kind of confusion that snuffs out hope and looms darkly over uncertain future. These are the days i walk in. The thought in my head at the end of this day, which i know is good gift from my loving Father in heaven is this:
The circumstances of the last year explain my deep insecurity, my feeling of disillusionment, my inability to focus on the hear and now long enough to respond to text message or return a phone call. My past explains my present, but my feelings in this moment don't define me. For some this may seem simple and obvious, but the profoundness of it moved me to tears. I'm feeling boundaryless, overly busy, and tired. But this isn't who i am.
The simple truth is that i am deeply loved, holy, chosen, the daughter of the risen Lord Jesus. What defines me doesn't come from my circumstances, doesn't come from the prospects of my future, doesn't come from how i'm feeling today. There is warmth that comes from my soul all because of the cross. I am saved from myself, and that means today.
 |
| Lake Stehekin, WA |
I hear Him tugging at my heart. Not in a demanding or begging kind of way. Its a simple invitation to quiet myself just long enough to escape to the calm waters, the green pastures.
Blessed are those whose strength is in the Lord, who have set their heart on pilgrimage (psalms 84). Return to your rest oh my soul, for the Lord has been good to you (psalm 116).
All these light and momentary troubles fade away in stillness. But the question remains, will i return to the water and drink deep from His presence? My spirit is willing, but today my flesh is so weak.
So often faith holds stronger to me than I to it. The warmth, the safety, the security, the hope remains when all of my lights go out. And that my friends is the goodnews of the gospel.
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