Cheers.

Several months ago I started having the conversation with those close to me of what it would look like to quit my job. This was piggy backing my prayers from the months before of asking the Lord to give me clarity of when the time was right. I've known for sometime now that the Nines was not where I wanted to be long term for several reasons, but I felt strongly then it wasn't time to walk away. Then.

My mother gave me some sound advice that has stuck with me for sometime: "Let the process decide." In other words, let the the Lord direct you through the circumstances, through conversations, through the leadership and opinions of those you respect in your life. But mostly through what the Lord is whispering, impressing upon your heart.

I've been working overnight shifts for the better part now of 4 months. It's strange to me how quickly the time seemed to melt away. When that curve ball came, I felt very strongly that the Lord didn't want me to fight that change, but to lean in, trusting he would lead and guide through it. And I have, and I'm grateful I listened.

Operating in a lifestyle so far from my natural tendencies has given a lot of clarity into who am and what i desire my life to look like. I feel like I've discovered, or maybe just more aware, of my own choices, those made and those foregone, and their impact my witness to the world. The ways they reveal who I am, what I'm about. Through my time, my money, the places i expend my energy. As I've really analyzed that, both professionally and personally, it was very clear, alongside the dynamics and climate in the front office at the Nines, that its time to leave. To walk away and trust that all i feel the Lord has revealed to me is "part of the process," leading me to what the Lord has next for me. **Side note. I really enjoy that look that follows after people ask "what's next?" and I essentially answer "don't know, but I'm trusting." This is one of those times that I have to lay down the criticism of others, and trust that the Lord would make it clear to me if I was doing something idiotic. He hasn't, and so I move forward.

I'm excited about this transition. Excited about change, looking forward to seeing what the Lord has next for me, dreading the inbetween of where I am not and where i will land. I am choosing to walk away without another job lined up, without clarity in what exactly I should be pursuing. But the Lord has never had an issue with feet that are willing to move. I know as I look at the process, the wisdom and blessing of those I trust dearly to take this step in faith with me, a deep gut sense that this is where the Lord is calling - it all points to trusting, a trust that actively places me in a space that only He can work.

I've never been a person to end anything well. When I reflect of the change of seasons in my life before, there are one or two abnormal times where transition was, on a heart level, easier than expected. As an analyzer, I've always had the tendency to want to slow down, stop, digest, and really let all that's happened soak in. Experiences change you - for the good, or for the not so good.

I walk away from all this with really mixed emotions. My time at the Nines has really stretched me, revealing quite a few things i don't love about myself. The pressure from this job has drawn out (or sometimes dragged out) areas of my life that aren't pretty. I've made some great decisions in my life both personally and professionally during my time here, and I've made some piss poor decisions both personally and professionally during my time here. I struggle with some of the regret I have for my choices, for my beautiful display of -28 patience with my coworkers that happened on more than one occasion. I walk away sad as I recognize that this is the end of a season in relationships with my Nines family - Josie R, Marcela P, Hannah C, Katy W, Steve S, Michael B and Quincy H to name a few. These people have been blessings to me who lifted my spirits and loved me as I've been, both personally and professionally.

I'm not sure what's ahead and what's next. I'm uncertain, but I rest in a certain God. Beth Moore once wrote "Christ bring his peace where He is prince. That's what the title 'prince of peace' represents." There is peace in the surrender of my fear. I pray with expectancy and hope, knowing that the Lord wants to do a new work in my life and in my heart.

I'm excited for a breather. I'm ready to spend some time with my family who are dear to me. To hold babies, play cars with Adric, drink coffee, jog some 8 milers. Spend some time in the kitchen and around the table. I'm excited to read Anne Lamott, journal out some thoughts and organize my closet.

This is a good life, and I want to enjoy every moment of this transition. So cheers to another end, another chapter, and to another beginning. This life isn't perfect, but it is good.

labels

I'm about to enter into another transition. One that came up in unexpected timing. A transition that stirs those deep things in me that are still being healed, the things in me that i desperately want to keep underground until they miraculously come out beautiful somehow. 

I ask the Lord to help my unbelief in all this.  This world, this life, gives us plenty of names, labels, to define us. These labels define how we look at ourselves, how we perceive the direction we are headed in the future. What we are (or aren't) worthy of.

And so, in the midst of a little chaos, in stepping into where i believe the Lord is leading me, I hurt today. Struggle with myself, with my choices, with the labels the evil one has given me, with the labels I've given myself. 

I am thankful that the Lord always has something to say, speaking a truth, into my life, particularly when i look at myself and despair at who i've become. And in this i find this verse - Indeed, we felt within ourselves that we had received the [very] sentence of death, but that was to keep us from trusting in and depending on ourselves instead of on God Who raises the dead.

and later to say: 

[He has also appropriated and acknowledged us as His by] putting His seal upon us and giving us His [Holy] Spirit in our hearts as the security deposit and guarantee [of the fulfillment of His promise]. 2 Corinthians 1. Amplified. 

In these moments of doubt, it's who we belong to that matters. It's who He is that matters. For reasons i will never understand, he has chosen to bestow grace and favor upon me. He has chosen me to be one of his, and He is my good shepherd, entirely independent of the choices i make. Praise be to the Father, that i can trust his leading, his guiding, through this process. 

This late morning, i choose to rest in the truth He has revealed to me. That he is my redeemer, my shepherd (Ezekiel 34), my loving Father. 

I can breathe in. breathe out. focus and know. I am deeply loved 

I often find that my narrow-mindedness is my biggest downfall.

My inability look beyond the past, beyond the present. My inability to see the blessing in past, the blessing in my moment. I think we all tend to view our world through our filter.

Through my desire, my dream, my need. Through my pain, my longing, my regret.

“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: the steadfast love the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

His love, never ceases – not dependent on my circumstances. His hope – not dependent on my circumstances. His abundant mercies – not dependent on my circumstances.

I need this today. I don’t feel anchored.  I feel unsettled, insecure, uncertain. Frustrated and ashamed of my neediness. Like I've single handedly ruined my reputation. Like I’m stripped of my strength, exposed in my weakness. His love, His hope, His abundant mercies – not dependent on these circumstances.

Watch & pray; I hear that whisper. Watch healing. Wait for wholeness. Lean in, and let Jesus continue to do his work. 


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"If we only had eyes to see and ears to hear and the wits to understand, we could know that the Kingdom of God in the sense of holiness, goodness, beauty is as close as breathing and is crying out to be born both within  ourselves and within the world; we could know that the Kingdom of God is what all of us hunger for above all other things even when we don't know its name or realize that it's what we're staving to death for. The kingdom of God is where our best dreams come from and our truest prayers. We glimpse it all those moments when we find ourselves being better than we are and wiser than we know. We catch sight of it when at some moment of crisis a strength seems to come to us that is greater than our own strength. The Kingdom of God is where we belong. It is home, and whether we realize it or not, i think we are all of us homesick for it. " Frederick Buechner