those boys.

*sigh.

Hello end of week. It seemed like this week started years ago. Friday is now about to go, and Saturday...and Sunday...and then....MIDTERMS. Yuck.

The week has been long, but it's been so rich. The Lord has really done quite a bit of healing in my heart - it's been long coming, and it had never been needed more. I got through without tears of brokenness, and there were several notable instances that i truly felt i had a bit of a 'sparkle' going on again. Turning 24 was more exciting than depressing, and that was by God's grace to me.

I am confident that the Lord has something in store for me that is formatted around missions, and with that knowledge, waiting is far more comfortable. I don't feel panicky, like life slipping, slumping, away. Or maybe it's just been the really great weather this last week - either way, still a huge blessing from God.

I felt it was a notable step forward when i still felt this peace when the hiccup came yesterday. My econ teacher, bless his heart, sometimes makes comments about hurtful relationships and heartbreak that just reside so strong with me. It's like he looks around the room, sees insecurity, and points it out in an effort to make each of us deal with it. Love that man, struggle with the man. Studying for his midterm makes my head hurt, and sometimes listening to his lectures makes my heart hurt.

Some of the comments just crawl under my skin, and there they stay, irritating me. They are silly things, but I have hard time shaking the insignificance i feel whenever i mentally approach my past. Its far less emotional with each passing day,  and much more rational. I'm far away enough from 'feelings,' but that doesn't mean i'm not female. I compartmentalize, but i know i don't like men do.

I know i' never going to 'get' it. It is what it is. But it just saddens, and confuses me, at how one person can love another person out of a depth of love that still longs for their absolute best regardless of costly rejection and pain, and yet the receiving end easily moves on without questioning it. It dumbfounds me really, and i mean that so literally.The fact that i've made such little headway in understanding this in the last several years leads me to draw two conclusions: 1) i'm stuck on the wrong statement and 2) i need to be so grateful that the Savior uses this to keep me small. The lesser I am the greater He is, and the more these things make sense because they become insignificant. Being dumbfounded should keep me humble...i'm letting Him work on it. *sigh, i'm a hopeless case, but He doesn't relent. 

I suppose the encouragement is, if i can so bodly contrast the last point with the following, I can see and appreciate my own maturity - I understand the importance of holding onto relationships loosely, waiting for commitment to for in a natural time instead of hastening it along with both feet dipped in. There is something to be said, especially as a female, to WAIT and let HIM PROVE what his intentions are. The great part of being a woman? i can, with confidence, wait, and then take it or leave it. That's not the same thing as stringing a poor feller along - i would argue that is a woman wisely discerning between a man of words, and a man of his word. A man can make honoring decisions and yet not be honorable in character. Men are tricky to discern.

The idea of a functional, almost mechanical, in the early stages almost sounds refreshing. Attraction and "sex" (broadly construed) makes commitment so confusing - I commit with my heart and the boys i know, from work to the gym, commit...well...with their eyes. And their eyes aren't necessarily spending the majority of their time looking at my character or my 'lovely' heart. *sigh, i'm not bitter....i just find it unfortunate. They have absolutely no idea how that makes women feel. They have no idea the scars their power/words/intentions bring. From casual friends to romantic partners, i just think they have so little idea how brutal they can be.

I'm all about the physical relationship (much more than i should be), but i'm not about that lack of commitment that seems to trail behind. I love french fries and chocolate cake, but after i've indulged enough, it simply doesn't hold the attraction power to keep me from moving on to doughnuts and cheese-its. And that's coming from a girl.

I know i long to be known and be appreciated, and for whatever reason those insatiable miserys have left me alone. There is a new song in my life - that's how i know i'm getting out of the pit of despair and hopelessness - i know that i know that i know the Lord is here, and his plan for my life is not distant.

Time for ramblings to end, and bedtime. I'm exhausted, so ready for sleep, but really, truly happy in a way i haven't been in so long.