My heart just aches today. There seems to be this really unhelpful societal pressure that I have to ‘have my life figured out’. The constant question is “So what’s next?” Because after all, you should always be thinking ahead to what needs to be done next. The question that is truly being asked is “what are you pursuing now?” For some reason, that wording seems far less intimidating to me. If that question can’t be answered, it seems to me that there is an unspoken understanding that being directionless in life is equivalent to wasting your life/time. Being pushed to keep moving through the seasons of life is a good thing, but the problem is that I am far to eager to want to push forward into the next stage without really taking the time to close off the previous season. In my haste to get out of the uncomfortable, I am dangerously tempted to leave very vital pieces of myself behind. The sad thing to me is that I know if I throw myself into things to escape the panic and fear inside - I am sacrificing both rest and peace. I feel the fatigue that comes from scrambling to hold my life together. Below this cool, calm, and religiously hopeful pristine face, I am forfeiting my grace every single day trying my hardest to be okay and feel like I’m headed in a named direction. I know my limitations because of my circumstance, but I’m still so discontent and uncomfortable not knowing where I’m going in life. I’m failing from the standpoint of many, as I’m not seriously pursuing school, career or a relationship. The more devastating thing is that I feel like I’m failing myself. I have this unhealthy and obsessive expectation to have everything together. From the shoes I put on my feet to the daily work of my hands, I desperately want life to feel and appear organized, efficiently working towards some success of a fulfilled life. My subconscious pursuit of ‘success’ dominates my conscious thought life. It was only yesterday that I realized how unhealthy my thought life and approach to myself is. It was like I opened my eyes to disaster that is starting to unfold in my life. As silly and juvenile as this sounds, my happiness is not going to hinge on looking or feeling attractive and desired – for my person or abilities. My definition and Gods definition of a fulfilled life are, clearly, very different. This is creating so much friction in my life as I am trying to pursue what God would have for me while nursing my frail heart through my self-sufficiency. When I became a Christian I surrendered my life to the Lord. That was a decision to live by faith, not by sight. I made a promise of surrendering my desires for what he would have for me. The paradox of course is that in giving my life away, I receive real life. In surrendering my will I am met with freedom and actual joy. God promised me guidance but did not promise me a life without confusion. God promised me comfort, but did not promise me a life without pain. The lesson in all this is submission. Sacrifice is learned when you lay down that of which is the most precious to you – the things that are the heartbeat of your dreams. The ability to sacrifice the small paves the way to sacrifice the larger things, but it does not diminish the difficulty or the pain in doing so. These are lessons being learned.