I’m pretty sure this is called growing up.
There is a strong desire to want to be liked, to be appreciated,
and to want to be known by your fellow human beings. I want to be known, and
loved within, and not despite of, my imperfections. I want the hard work I do to
be appreciated. All I’ve wanted in the last weeks is for that hardwork to be
verbalized in genuineness.
These aren’t wrong things to feel. But they become unhealthy
when out of balance.
It’s a good indication that the desire is unbalanced when
your blood pressure spikes as others fail to recognize you, or the intensity of
“life” in the present moment. Instead of hearing an encouraging “great job” or
a sympathetic “ I understand” or, dare I suggest, a helping “how can I come
along side you?” we are so often met with disappointment – from ourselves in
not having the time or energy to accomplish more, or others whose expectations
have not been met.
Obviously this leads back to boundaries – how well can you
say no, how well can you hold to your yes. What things are urgent, what things
are not. Even the right things we pursue aren’t encouraged or recognized well.
There are a lot of dynamics surrounding the choices of our time.
I don’t like disappointing, and I hate feeling overwhelmed.
Perhaps it’s a kickback of watching too many people close to my heart pile more
onto their proverbial plate than even a fictional super hero could handle.
Super heroes get to bend time, and Jack had 24 hours where minutes seemed to
double in length. My observation is that one who piles on the tasks sky high
deals with a lot of disappointment from others, and disappointment in themself.
I don’t want to be a victim to busyness and therefore I tend
to detest myself highly when the schedule gets out of hand. This has created
another problem in my life that looks and feels like ‘hermitting,’ but that’s
another issue to be thought about at a later time.
But I do genuinely believe that life brings seasons, weeks,
and days that are crammed full. There are tasks that are assigned to our lives
that are difficult and heavy to build character and to test our faith in
His strength vs our own. Discerning the difference between what is ‘given’ to
us by our Heavenly Father, and what unnecessary battles we fight, with
our time and/or emotion is difficult. I strongly believe we fight many losing
battles daily that could turn into daily victories if we relied on the Lords
leading and strength, trusting him to win the battles.
Today, the problem is just being flat misunderstood. In
trying to balance out my personality, i’m trying to keep to an element of fun
instead of intensity wih work, FULL time education, and INTERVIEWING for a
potential job. For a girl that really likes doing things well and to their full
potential, this week is threatening to kill me. I know the Lord is calling me
to stand back and rest. To trust that the Spirit will enable the brains in my
head to earn a decent grade an accounting test, to answer interview questions
with poise and grace, and to respond genuinely and warmly to needs at work.
These aren’t things i do myself. This is an opportunity to let sustaining
sufficiency of the Lord flow freely and boldly in my life, and that is my heart’s
desire.
But the enemy is good. Moving is starting to get emotional.
It’s digging at the past and challenging my assurance that this is right. When
the relationships start to get complicated over petty things the enemy is
clearly involved.
The little girl in me wants to sit down and just cry. Not
cry because I don’t want to keep pushing forward, but cry because I know that
in this life, I will only continue to be misunderstood. I cry because I’m
frustrated, anxious, and vulnerable. Grace for the little failures typically won’t
flow from human lips or actions, but by the Father’s hand continually and constantly. You know you
are overly emotional about it all when you cry because you realize that God
cares about the outfit you wear for the interview even when nobody else really
does. He really does. I know my challenge today is to take my eyes off others
to recognize how hard I’m working at this season in my life, and fix my eyes on
the Father who lovingly shows his affection and appreciation for the hardwork.
I have to slow down enough to hear His voice that says “well done.”
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