Well.

Here is to another quarter, another start, another beginning, another new year.

It's an interesting feeling, trying to describe the rolling thunder and silent calm that coexsist in my chest. I am peaceful knowing that life is returning to a routine, but i am restless. I miss my room, my bed. I am restless to start a new year - restless and longing for things to look so drastically different from what the've been.

The Lord is doing a new thing. It's true because scripture said it is. I cling to this, not necessarily convinced in the depth of me it's true, but desperately wanting it to be.

I tried my best to reason with the Lord in the shower with my tears - begging Him to do a new thing in me. I'm not sure it was as much spiritual as much as it was selfish. I'm ready for the ending of old things, and the heartache that came with them, to rest, and for fresh starts to begin. I'm ready to be done with this fire, this aloneness. I hope for things to change, pray and beg for it, yet all the while terrified circumstances will not change for the better.

What is the plan Lord? I really want to run from this place and into what's next. How much longer? Have I been faithless? If i've been faithful, than be near, and save me from all this distress, this rolling thunder.

I believe He has good things. But i wonder, like so many in my place, if His 'goodness' will extend to the ache in me. If His goodness means the healing and redeeming of my spirit and my heart. And if so, will this take months, or will it take years?

" Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.  "

I'm ready to test. i'm just not sure how.