It's another day of processing.

I know the fact that school is ending for the quarter has much to do with the fact that i've been very much so caught up in digesting the events in September.

I process, not sure that if i had the chance to change the ending of the story, i necessarily would. Some say things ended 'as the Lord willed it.' This has never been a satisfactory answer for me, so instead, i decide to look through the lens that the way things ended has been "Gods grace" to me in ways that will take time to understand.


Hope is a frightening thing to me. Dreaming is a frightening thing to me. To dream and to hope for things out of my control is an extremely frightening thing to me. I'm not sure if I've always been weary of it, or if it's been as a result of my past relationship, but either way its frightening.

But it comes natural. It's intriguing to dream about things that could be. About romance, about commitment. About receiving the kind of love that is willing to pay money, make risky investments, and look foolish.

I struggle to contrast my world with the worlds around me, not even if i should be in the first place, and how dreaming works within it.

The marraige thing for a single girl who is terrified it's never in her future, is simply frightening. To be in Leavenworth, with every close friend who knows my heart married or in committed relationships...it makes you think, and often time that the problem lies inwardly.

It's simply untrue. There has been a young gentleman at the hotel over the weekend that calmed and reassured in many ways. He was young, fit, and attractive, and took an interest in myself. His family joked it was my smile and personality. Regardless of the follow through on any of it, to be appreciated by the opposite sex as a person of interest restored a bit of confidence in me. He was simply was not my type in many ways, but nonetheless, he was extremely attractive, and he 'saw' me. That means i am seeable.

I hate that so much of how i perceive relationships and how they work has been so twisted by the pain caused in the past. Not all men play it safe, and its been encouraging to have a couple examples in my life of men who put up with hundreds of miles of distance to make it work with a person they care about, and have a deep desire to invest in. Its encouraging to me to watch girls make the mistakes and 'throw him away,' and yet when she comes to her senses, he has the grace to take her back. I don't think it's because he's 'whipped' as much as he is gracious, and certain of the prize. It's so sweet and encouraging on one side, and devastating at the same time in the sense that brt apparently never felt anywhere near there with me. I am uncertain that is true, but i am certain that is the message i was lead to believe. For the first time, i question if he is one of the most selfish people i know in a very good disguise. Was i used in the entirety of the relationship? The answers to these questions don't change the outcome, but i'm not sure that throwing them out the door as 'irrelevant' is the best way to handle it either. Why? Because well over a year later, the question i never let myself think about it still matters. You know a persons character not in the surface actions, but in the deep places where the choice to love makes all the difference or breaks you completely. Perhaps its in that deep place that cowardice or heroism is revealed. Words only embellish ones character. 

I do believe that to say he couldn't be with me because of the distance is a cop out. If you care about a person, you make it work. No, the issue is that brt could never accept me, for my beautiful traits or my shortcomings, because he cannot accept his qualities and imperfections. He is looking for a perfect that doesn't exsist, and so fills the gap with temporary 'girls.' Was I a girl who mattered? i would like to think so. But I was easily and quickly replaced with another blonde, which only leaves me to believe that i never stood out to him in the first place. Perhaps on a level of moral goodness I stood out, but to not accept my shortcomings is not to accept the truest form of myself; a total mess, overly sensitive, an over thinker, and too serious about the small stuff. Love covers these things. There is no freedom in the shadow of one who can't forgive and see the other as forgiven.

To be fair to him, perhaps he wasn't the only one that was a blind. I was sure that the person i knew had a deeper understanding of these things. I misjudged him too. I knew he was a mess, i was unaware how he actually felt about me. His words were just that; words. Words hold their weight in full when actions back them. No action makes words cheap. No logical person would disagree with that. I do believe that Brt knew me better than anyone up to that day in early summer 2011. I also believe with that knowledge, i have never been more misunderstood by anyone, and its a scar that may not heal with time, but can be relieved with love from another.

I often get commented on how 'strong' i am for walking through a season of life that is lifeless and directionless, marked with many tears. I'm not sure this strength has been born out of wanting to do the right thing as much as 'to be strong' is less of a choice and more a forced state of being. I have no fighter in my physical corner, so the only option is to head toward self destruction, or take the Lord at His word that he has a plan i can't see in all this.

It's incredibly lonely to not have a 'fighter in my corner.' I know that i haven't arrived here without the Lords careful planning and directing. There is much to be learned here, and i know that this journey has meant for everyone forward motion, i dig my heels in twice, and cry countless tears. I struggle to find the line between digging up the past and dealing with the feelings and emotions of a broken heart healthily. I want to be known, and i want to believe and dream freely for that to come in the future.  And i want to continue to walk into the future i ever so feebly and inconsistenly believe in.

But what can i be sure of? That the Lord holds stronger to me than I to Him. He is more committed to goodness in my life that I am, and He is much more committed to getting me there too. In all this, i know God is gracious. I know God is strong, and God has not abandoned me, the work of his hands, his precious and chosen daughter. I am delivered from the darkness of myself, of my confusion, and my future - i simply just look to His light which radiates from all who Christ is.

Lord, i beg you to not leave me unchanged tonight. One day at a time.