There is something about movies that i love.
I specifically love the theater. Once you overlook the overpriced popcorn and soft drinks, there is something comforting to me about sitting in a dark theater with hundred of others, laughing at the same jokes, enjoying the same entertainment. I can turn off from the 'trauma' of my everday, and emotionally connect and feel elsewhere. That may sound strange, perhaps a bit unhealthy, but its really therapuetic. The entire experience is relieving to me.
Taking those breaks from my own reality gives me a bit more perspective, encourages control and a gentle and assured calm in facing the anxiety and fear toward my present and my future.
My midterm for econ did end in lots of tears after the results. I put hours and hours and hours into studying for that test, and still fell short of my expectations. That was humbling, and difficult, another stab in the side of an already bleeding insecurity. I came home, cried in the shower, and felt better. I know that it was just another yank at my heart from the Father to hang up the uncertainty at the door and simply sit at His feet, in His presence. He is holding my hand and holding my tears. I know it's where i need to be, and i feel the spirit prodding me into returning to the Lord, fighting for faith the best I can when everything else seems to repel. Just like the test, the Lord is only asking for the best i can do. He wants my faith, not my composure.
There are deserts in life. I still prefer desserts, but i see the benefits of deserts. I will explain. These thoughts occurred to me after i woke up from a nap, after the long shower of tears.
The bible is a source of encouragement; specifically the old testament which has been a near and dear friend to me. I love the stories of biblical 'giants' - Moses, David, Daniel, Joshua, Gideon, Samuel, Joseph and the like. We remember them for their victories - slaying giants, defeating armies, faithful leadership, following the Lords guidance in the face of fear, etc. But what we don't remember them for is all the long years of waiting, confusion, wondering, and searching that plagued their lives.
Moses felt the Lord put it on his heart to protect His people. He killed the Egyptian, and spent the next 40 years in the desert of Midian tending sheep (on a side note, I've always loved Moses for being an 'insecure leader' who only accomplished what God put before him by faithful obedience). The Lord used him significantly after a time of humbling.
I love David, who was a nobody, noname brother who also spent many years tending sheep when God starting using him significantly. David, the mighty warrior and king was well acquainted with deserts and darkness (psalm 22).
Elijah, a man just like us who prayed (James 5.17) had no reason to every doubt the Lords power. He prayed for rain, it rained. He prayed for the Lord to rain fire on the preists of baal, and He did. Even this man spent much time in the desert. He despaired of his own life, cursing the day he was born. But the Lord met him in the desert, giving him rest, giving him nourishment, and revealed Himself to him in the loudest of whispers.
Jesus himself knew the loneliness and trial of the desert. 40 days in the that physical place, a lifetime figuratively.
The cadence of scripture seems to point back to these seasons, and these seasons as being significant. Sometimes we are there by our own choices and actions - for their unbelief and disobedience, Gods chosen people spent 40 years. Sometimes we are there because of others choices and actions. Hagar and Ishmael were sent there to die, and yet, as Hagar so beautifully articulates "you are the God who sees me." It was in the wilderness she met her Savior, and left that place knowing in her heart and soul He would not abandon the work of His hands. She left with promises. And sometimes God draws us to the desert to teach us a great many things - to strengthen, to test, to loving build up faith, to weed us of our tendency to wander, to depend on our own strength. Moses, David, Elijah, Daniel, Joseph, Gideon and the like. I am not alone.
Its in the desert i cry, unpack my disappointment, unpack my hurt, unpack my confusion, unpack my new lack of faith in contrast with all the certainty I've felt over the last several years. In the last several days i have not heard a loud booming voice, a word of clarity, a passage of peace. But i have felt the spirit intercede on my behalf, and quietly remind my heart i can He safely unpacks all the messiness i feel. He wants my faith and my heart, not my composure and wholeness. He brings those, those are His works. I know in my heart i need to keep pushing in, keep unpacking the baggage in front of Him. Only He can bring healing, can bring darkness to light. Scripture says He's delivered us out of the kingdom of darkness and into His wonderful light. I've been saved from this, and I've been saved for so much more.
So i'm not sure if today is any less dark, foggy or cloudy than the days previous. But i do know this: Today, i took time to rest my heart through journaling, chose to accept myself for who i am despite the chaos and pressure of my failures. I've chosen to sit in my tears and silence with the Father. I've watched a movie, took time for myself, and rested.
And as i end my day and crawl into my cold sheets, i know that i have met with my Savior, my God. My Rock, my Fortress (psalm 62). There are still not answers, I still ache, i still wonder how i came here. But the Lord in His goodness knows me, and is present in the mess. I'm in a desert of my life, preferring dessert (i really want chocolate cake all the time), and He knows. Him knowing means i am not forgotten, I am not unseen, I am not worthless or unworthy. I am worthy and deeply loved and i can know this because the Creator of the universe takes thought of me.
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"But as for me, I would seek God, and I would place my cause before God, who does great and unsearchable things, wonders without number. He gives rain on the earth and sends water on the fields, so that He sets on high those who are lowly, and those who morn are lifted to safety. Behold, how happy is the man whom God reproves, so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. For he inflicts pain, and gives relief; He wounds, and His hands also heal. " Job 5
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