To feel alone

 "Blessed are those whose strength is in You, who have set their heart on pilgrimage" psalm 84.

It seems to me that much of life (years, months, days, hours, minutes) is spent 'feeling your way through the dark' so to speak. These days are spent blindly trusting the good Lord Jesus that He sees something that I can't, that He loves me far to much to allow me to needlessly dabble in darkness and my sin.

If this place a result of hardness of heart, i trust His grace and mercy meet me there, leading me out of that place. And if this place is the desert He has brought me to purposefully, i wait, and pray for an incandescent faith that can only come from Him anyways.

The past has been heavier on my mind today. My past comes to mind daily, but today it's sat at the entrance of the deepest parts of my heart. I'm not emotional, upset, or wish things were different anymore. I'm more just contemplative of how this plays into the future, and why all the events in my life surrounding brt happened in the past.

 When he closed the door, i mentally closed the door as well. My heart kicked and screamed for a while, but now its finally followed. There's a numbness that comes with that, of which is difficult to explain. I don't dream of him, i'm not emotionally attached. I want to leave the door shut on this. It's just a bit confusing to know that only a short couple months ago, i would have gladly picked up my life and changed things dramatically to be with him, and now knowing neither of us every plan on revisiting 'us' again. It's just strange to me.

It's also strange to me to be schooling in the light of some other twists in the road. the fall out (again) with brt came at the same time that Jenelle moved, Justine moved, and Amanda is now full time RN, housewife, homeowner. Its strange and confusing, causing me to be rather contemplative. Am i standing on the edge of a dramatic change for myself? Or is the Lord leading me deeper into the desert?

I feel fine - not unsafe, not scared. I go to bed knowing i'm where i'm supposed to be today, but i still feel lonely, and i feel particularly lonely tonight.

So i make the journey to my bed, into my cold sheets, and give my heart to the Lord, trusting in things i can't see, praying for faith thats certain of the things i don't understand.  I am grateful for a Savior, Lord and Friend that i can honestly unpack my loneliness with. In Him, i can live in the midst of it and not feel foolish. It is good to be a child of God. I can feel through things that would otherwise be taboo if relying on my own strength.

And with all of that, knowing the value of repetition,  i remind myself again: 

"Blessed are those whose strength is in You, who have set their heart on pilgrimage" psalm 84.