certain grace

I do believe that the Lord goes before me, just as He has come behind, as He surrounds me in my present. The future may seem uncertain, but it only lies a mystery to human eyes. He knows. This is a season where i feel completely unseen. The absence of my presence at biblestudy, at gamenights, at work, at school, in landscape of places near and dear to my heart it only taken notice by myself. But the Lord clearly says that "He is the God who sees me" (genesis 16). At this point in life, it's more encouraging to be noticed than anything else.

Perhaps the Lord needed to drag the dream of Capernwray out of me. Perhaps this is what He means by surrender. Perhaps this is the fire required to determine how i'm going to live my life - by my own understanding, dreams and desires, or by His.

Today, to be daughter of the King, to be a follower of the risen Lord Jesus, to be christian means to to hold firmly onto Christ and nothing else.

If I'm uncertain of who I am, than I can be certain of who He is. Perhaps its best to always be in a state of insecurity in yourself - it always drives you back to the only secure, certain, solid ground in this life and that is Christ, and Christ crucified.

I am single, and finally with little to no attachments in my heart to B or to capernwray. It's clear those doors are firmly shut. So what does this mean? Time to dream a little. Time to pray the big prayers over my life that i've spent the last 3 years of my life praying over him.

The Lord has good things instore for those that trust in him. I fully believe that the 'good things' include his presence at present. I'm desperate for life to have meaning, to have purpose during this time. I am loved within my failure to keep my priorities in line. I am loved within the failure of my own struggles.

In the quiet chambers of my heart i know the mess is rather impressive,  but the Fathers goodness surrounds me there; it makes all the difference.

"Blessed are those whose strength is in You, who have set their heart on a pilgrimage." Psalm 84.5