Part of extending grace? Letting it be okay that things of the past you really want to 'be over,' resurface in a way that's healthy. To say "i'm not going to think about that," in essence is to not heal. Conversely, to think about the past, the things you cannot change, all the time, is to cling to an idol that is pretty worthless.
Today, it's scenerio one.
I started reading a title that i should have followed through and read a long time ago: The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller. Another rendition of Luke 15, and one that is, as far as i can tell being 30 pages in, well done.
I have read commentaries on this parables, and many have left me with an answered question. We know the younger brother (representing the taxcollecters, the sinners, the 'wayward') is gifted a reckless grace, not for his works, but because of the love of the Father. The older brother (representing the morally upright, legalistic, religious leaders) also blows it, and the Fathers reckless grace pleads with his hard heart to join the celebration.
Although there is a mixture of both the boys in me, in simple terms i would have to pick the oldest brother as the one i most identify with. This is my question: Of what value is it to the Father, or indeed to myself in simple benefit versus opportunity costs analysis, to stay proverbially home?
Is to stay home to be more Father like? The longer i spend time in His presence, the more i become like him? In characteristic? In suffering? In sacrifice?
Perhaps i'm asking questions of that text it's not meant to answer. But i've always wondered; if 'screwing up' and returning home on the basis of survival means = the best celebration you've ever experienced, than 'walking through the deserts' natural to life with Christ, hard work, perseverance = ?
Just questions. What is the effect in the long run? in the short run? Is there a clear winner here? The parable leaves me thinking that in the end, the younger son is soft of heart and the older son is just a loser.
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"The father patiently endures a tremendous loss of honor as well as the pain of rejected love. Ordinary when our love is rejected we get angry, retaliate, and do what we can to diminish our affection for the rejecting person, so we won't hurt so much. But this father maintains his affection for his son and bears the agony."
The door is closed, and i'm relieved for that. I don't like or dislike him. I'm not infuriated or bitter. I hurt from a deep rejection of who i am and the love that i freely gave (being free doesn't imply holding or having no value). I'm know i love him, but i'm not in love with him. I don't want him, but i don't like the idea of pushing him away either - his issue still deeply upset me. Kellers sentences were where i was, and maybe a bit of who i am. It's kind of paradoxical i suppose - and i hardly understand it myself.
Unconnected from those thoughts, I pray and plead with the Lord to reveal who i am to myself. I trust that although i feel dreamless, visionless and uncertain as to the future, He is working in my heart, installing things i can't see or feel, so when the opportunity does come, I will know, and I will be ready.
If He has a purpose, as is promised, He will burden my heart for it. It's just not going to be one of those "i've wanted to be a doctor since i was 5" things. Rather, I trust that when the right thing has come at the right time, i will be able to respond rather spontaneously in certain assurance that 'this' is what I've been looking for, explaining these days where i struggle to see a light or feel wanted or important.
So the hope today? Christ in me - the hope of glory, for now, and for eternity. He knows me. He sees me. He takes thought of me.
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