It's a silly picture, i know. I'm not really into posting these kinds of things...i see them on facebook or pinterest and just think they are ridiculous, but this one has stuck with me the last couple days.
It's another dark day - locking myself into a bathroom stall, experiencing yet another panic attack. This test for econ tomorrow is so stupid, but i don't feel i've grasped the concepts at all.
My insecurity only becomes more prevalent with each passing day. I can't shake the constant nagging and draining voice in my head that challenges me to 'get a life' - no career, no family, and no real direction = messy Charissa.
I have an advisory meeting on Friday, and feel as though if i don't BS or whole heartedly chose a 4 year college with a specific 4 year degree (yes, i have 3 days to decide that) it will be another 15 minutes of crushing failure.
It's cloudy. I feel irrelevant to life, i feel tired, i feel abandoned, hopeless, lost. Where is the laughter?
It was in that panic attack, in the bathroom with the horrible yellow stalls, in SEXTON (i remembered this time) hall, that i read this and identified with it in a whole new way:
1 I am the man who has seen affliction
under the (B)rod of his wrath;
2 he has driven and brought me
(C)into darkness without any light;
3 surely against me he turns his hand
again and again the whole day long.
4 He has made my flesh and my skin waste away;
(D)he has broken my bones;
5 (E)he has besieged and enveloped me
with (F)bitterness and tribulation;
6 (G)he has made me dwell in darkness
like the dead of long ago.
7 (H)He has walled me about so that (I)I cannot escape;
he has made my chains heavy;
8 though (J)I call and cry for help,
he shuts out my prayer;
9 (K)he has blocked my ways with blocks of stones;
he has made my paths crooked.
10 (L)He is a bear lying in wait for me,
a lion in hiding;
11 (M)he turned aside my steps and (N)tore me to pieces;
(O)he has made me desolate;
12 (P)he bent his bow (Q)and set me
as a target for his arrow.
13 He drove into my kidneys
(R)the arrows of his quiver;
14 (S)I have become the laughingstock of all peoples,
(T)the object of their taunts all day long.
15 (U)He has filled me with bitterness;
he has sated me with (V)wormwood.
16 (W)He has made my teeth grind on gravel,
and (X)made me cower in ashes;
17 my soul is bereft of peace;
I have forgotten what happiness is;
18 (Y)so I say, “My endurance has perished;
so has my hope from the Lord.”
19 (Z)Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
(AA)the wormwood and (AB)the gall!
20 My soul continually remembers it
(AC)and is bowed down within me.
21 But this I call to mind,
and (AD)therefore I have hope:
22 (AE)The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
(AF)his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new (AG)every morning;
(AH)great is your faithfulness.
24 (AI)“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
(AJ)“therefore I will hope in him.”
25 The Lord is good to those who (AK)wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
26 (AL)It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
27 (AM)It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke (AN)in his youth.
28 Let him (AO)sit alone in silence
when it is laid on him;
29 (AP)let him put his mouth in the dust—
there may yet be hope;
30 (AQ)let him give his cheek to the one who strikes,
and let him be filled with insults.
31 (AR)For the Lord will not
cast off forever,
32 but, though he (AS)cause grief, (AT)he will have compassion
(AU)according to the abundance of his steadfast love;
33 (AV)for he does not afflict from his heart
or (AW)grieve the children of men.
34 To crush underfoot
all (AX)the prisoners of the earth,
35 (AY)to deny a man justice
in the presence of the Most High,
36 to subvert a man in his lawsuit,
(AZ)the Lord does not approve.
37 (BA)Who has spoken and it came to pass,
unless the Lord has commanded it?
38 (BB)Is it not from the mouth of the Most High
that good and bad come?
39 (BC)Why should a living man complain,
a man, about the punishment of his sins?
40 Let us test and examine our ways,
(BD)and return to the Lord!
41 (BE)Let us lift up our hearts and hands
to God in heaven:
42 (BF)“We have transgressed and (BG)rebelled,
and you have not forgiven.
43 “You have wrapped yourself with anger and pursued us,
(BH)killing without pity;
44 (BI)you have wrapped yourself with a cloud
so that no prayer can pass through.
45 (BJ)You have made us scum and garbage
among the peoples.
46 (BK)“All our enemies
open their mouths against us;
47 (BL)panic and pitfall have come upon us,
devastation and (BM)destruction;
48 (BN)my eyes flow with rivers of tears
because of the destruction of the daughter of my people.
49 (BO)“My eyes will flow without ceasing,
without respite,
50 (BP)until the Lord from heaven
looks down and sees;
51 my eyes cause me grief
at the fate of all the daughters of my city.
52 (BQ)“I have been hunted (BR)like a bird
by those who were my enemies (BS)without cause;
53 (BT)they flung me alive into the pit
(BU)and cast stones on me;
54 (BV)water closed over my head;
I said, (BW)‘I am lost.’
55 (BX)“I called on your name, O Lord,
from the depths of the pit;
56 (BY)you heard my plea, ‘Do not close
your ear to my cry for help!’
57 (BZ)You came near when I called on you;
you said, (CA)‘Do not fear!’
58 “You have (CB)taken up my cause, (CC)O Lord;
you have (CD)redeemed my life.
59 You have seen the wrong done to me, (CE)O Lord;
judge my cause.
60 You have seen all their vengeance,
all (CF)their plots against me.
61 (CG)“You have heard their taunts, O Lord,
all (CH)their plots against me.
62 The lips and thoughts (CI)of my assailants
are against me all the day long.
63 (CJ)Behold their sitting and their rising;
(CK)I am the object of their taunts.
64 (CL)“You will repay them, O Lord,
(CM)according to the work of their hands.
65 You will give them dullness of heart;
your curse will be on them.
66 You will pursue them in anger and (CN)destroy them
from under (CO)your heavens, O Lord.”
---
I feel as though the Lord has abandoned me, as if He is allowing my spirit to rot away. This is a stretch, but in some respects i feel like Job - i have been faithful, i have followed what the Lord has put on my heart, I have trusted His sovereignty, in His goodness. Yet i feel completely crushed, alone, never more uncertain of who i am, insignificant, unseen, and now given my new 'relational' insecurity, unwanted. I'm gaining weight, growing in depression. My soul is downcast within me, and i'm helpless as to how to change that. I feel as though i have honored the Lord, but the darkness around me implies i've failed, missed the mark, made up the whole 'guidance' thing.
On one side you want to speak truth, to strengthen yourself in the Lord as David did. I want to pull open a pamphlet, filled with the promises of who i am in Christ - every fiber of myself loved, created with a purpose, daughter of the King, friend of/to Jesus.
I walk by faith, not sight - i know this. But how do you
stand, let alone
move with no faith, and no sight?
These are dark days. I need a Savior, one who saves me on His strength. I need His rescuing, His pursuit, an overwhelming sense of His desire for me.
Perhaps this is part of the process. for the first time i'm actually mad at him (emphasis on little 'h'). I'm really mad he strung me along, pretending to appreciate me. I feel like he manipulated me, and years later i am reaping it's endless repercussions, and they are ruining me. I am devestated by the fact I fell in love so deeply with a boy who threw it all back in my face as if my heart, time, energy, and care are/were/is worthless. I've been used, and I've never known a pain so deep, ferocious and explosive from the inside out. I feel ruined, stained, broken beyond repair. Again, unseen, without value, hidden. I have no name in the darkness of these woods to others, no name to myself.
I know all this 'history' doesn't define God. I know that and believe that, but I have no peace in the wrestling of these things. Why Lord, and you so absent in this time when you have been so present in the journey to date?
The only conclusion i can draw is that I am complete and utter fool. I need
my Savior,
my Rock,
my God,
my Fortress, to be stronger, safer, securer than He's ever been, but i feel as though He has abandoned me.
And yet scriptures says:
--"And this I call to mind, and therefore i have hope. The steadfast love of Lord never ceases"
--"Test me in this" says the Lord Almighty, "And see if i will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room for it".
Malachi 3.10.
Lord, I'm asking for a miracle. I know much of your word, much of your promises. Why are you hidden from me?
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