A day of pilgrimage

Bits of truth.

I'm just exhausted again today. Holidays are always painful for me. I know it was Thanksgiving, a time to be thankful for all those grand and great things done for me, all the grand and great things i have, all the grand and great things in the future.

Although i am aware of the truths surrounding me, it's other voices that scream the loudest. I've been lashing out and unreasonable. The lashes are fueled with a venom I don't recognize in myself. I know that life is difficult for this time. But the kick back of those feelings leaves me a bit scared. I'm not a screamer. I don't slam things around, or throw objects at walls. That's not me.

But that person is me today.

I know it's all linked. The loneliness. The disappointment. The uncertainty. Being unseen. Feeling unwanted, unattractive physically, ruined inwardly. I'm far to hard on myself, but it still is the only explaination that seems satisfactory when trying to reason why I'm here.

Today: Desert? yup. Dealing with it? Nope. Why? I haven't a clue how.

It's another day i just don't know how to unpack all the tension that i have in my heart.

Is this the end, the kick back, of my life, my dreams with Brady? With Capernwray? Is this the painful ending?

I hope so. I want a new beginning. Not necessarily with a new man, but a new beginning of hope. Brighter days. Clarity. Direction.

But instead i'm hopeless, devastated, and nameless. I hate how holidays make me feel so alone.

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Lord, i know you are there. I can't find you.