25

I saw the Lord always before me, for He is at my right hand that I may not be shaken;

Therefore, my heart was glad, and my tongue rejoiced;

my flesh will also dwell in hope.

For you will not abandon my soul to Hades, or let your holy one see corruption.

You have made known to me the paths of life;

You will make me full of gladness with your presence.

Acts 2 / Psalm 16

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Confession. I don’t get this.  I don’t live this, and often I don’t experience this – the dwelling in hope, full of gladness in His presence, feeling secure and unshaken thing.  These are verses I believe to be completely true. I believe that we are invited into all the fullness that life offers because of the blood of Jesus. I believe we are given fullness, gladness, a life bound together with hope. 

I’ve learned a lot about myself over these last several months of not working. Mostly of what I thought I believed, and the revealing of what I actually think and live out. These stark differences have been really humbling and really messy.

I realize that I live my life in the realm of ‘safe.’ By that I mean the mass majority of my decisions cultivate an environment of certainty. I thought I was one that took calculated risks, but actually I make decisions mostly on certain outcomes, and unshakeable option B’s. It’s left me to believe that I am the soul provider of my security – emotional, financial, mental. This addiction to ‘hold it together’ and live like I have ‘it’ figured it out, has burdened me for the last several years. Its been the driving force of ungraciousness towards myself and my debilitating unwillingness to slow down and let go of relationships and responsibilities that exhaust me.

In my time away from work, the Lord lead me to my walls, my fences, the safeties I’ve built and set in strategic places.

I realize just how much I don’t let others in, or perhaps more accurately, their love, encouragement, and support. And of course, I realize all I’ve built over the years captured me more than it guarded me. My addition to building security and safety in my world built isolation in ways I couldn’t detect.

I haven’t been able to experience fullness of hope, of gladness, of joy in the presence of Jesus because the presence of Jesus only extended to the places I allowed it to go, and the places I lock up are deep. And like the faithful Father He is, His presence met me there.

I’m not sure my devices that labored to create my own sense of security are dissembled or laid to rest, but I know that He is present in those places of less surrendered.

I’m edging toward the end of 25. Birthdays to me are like New Years – they represent the end of the older things, the start of newer things. 25 Has been a fabulous year in so many ways, but still yet another painful year of growing pains. 25 was a year of trying new things, and becoming more aware of my need to slow down and enjoy the moments, the present, His presence in my life. The Lord allowed me to discover in my 25^th year the moments and words that I have allowed to define me and shaped my world view, for the good and the not so good.

I loved much of 25, and much of 25 I’m grateful to leave behind.

I want 26 to mark more newness. A different approach to life. I want 26 to be ‘less trying to figure it out’ and a more about noticing and learning. A continued attitude of being present and not perfect – in my relationships, in my job, in my approach to myself.  And, I really want to meet Shauna Niequist.

“You have made known to me the paths of life.” I want to experience the truth of those verses. To choose to actively believe that the Lord always goes before, that He is fully present despite my feelings of distance. I want to invite His presence more fully into my life so I can dwell in hope instead of this fabricated life of safe I’ve been so committed to.

I’ve never been good with unknowns and uncertainty. I want this to be the year I start the process of fighting less, of leaning in more, of trusting Jesus a little more thoroughly than I have yet to do.

I want to dwell in hope, living a life that invites others to do the same. Because Jesus is Hope.