I write today from a quiet apartment, with a small glass of wine, big bowl of soup, compliments of a half empty refrigerator, and ready to write with a full heart.
It feel like i've been living within a whirl wind again. It's hard to believe that only a couple weeks ago i crossed the finish line of my first full marathon. That moment, that accomplishment, that impact is still hard to describe. It was all the training and the choices made leading up to the event that made the finish significant. Like somehow i was defying some constraint and proving, more to myself than anybody else, that i can accomplish things outside of the ordinary. There is something about sweat and blood, tears and pain during an incredible race that unmistakably points towards the reality of what we all carry day in and day out. That somehow life is marred with accomplishments and defeats, joys and hurts, contentment and restlessness. We all journey through lifes ups and downs, but finishing that race felt like coming out on top. It felt like defeating something big, even if i wasn't exactly sure what that 'big' was.
I am so thankful i ran alone. Alone to pour out my own anguish and grief and frustration before the Father who knows. I swear the first 15 miles were spent just trying not to cry about life, completely removed from the race. I'm grateful, no thankful, that the Lord chose to teach me through that experience. I haven't exactly had the softest, most teachable heart recently.
The weather changed again. Spring happened, and is still happening, but summer is seeping in. Most mornings the sun rises over my head, through my window before i have a chance to roll out of bed. I will be sad to leave this apartment one day - sad to not feel warmth at my eyes first opening. That's been good for my soul the last couple weeks. The morning sun inspires me to pray, cultivates thankfulness, reminds me there is so much hope all around me. Life, and it's frustrations and irritations may not change with the seasons, but hope is still there. Sunshine reminds me of a God who always shows up.
With the change in seasons also came the birth of two very important girls. They are now part of my life, and I love them dearly already. Elaina Nichole Davenport and Evalynn Joy Ledezma. They are bundles of joy. They also are reminders. Of faithfulness, and goodness, and the continual work of the Lord in our lives. I love these little girls, and i love their momma's dearly who have been gracious enough to share their journeys with me. Babies give me excitement about the things to come.
I'm trying to keep softening my heart. I'm trying to loosen up and relax. i'm trying to cultivate trust. There is safety in trusting the Lord, there is safety in accepting the depth to which he loves me. I'm not sure how i got so far away from that reality, what made me stop believing so deeply the love he has for me. But something did.
I'm still getting back on track. Back on track in accepting that the Lords heart for me is simply be in his presence. In my heart i want this to be enough, and in some moments, it is. I know the spirit is working in me - tears come easily in songs, or in reading the scripture aloud. I know that i belong to Christ, and he is faithful to continue to work within me the plans of His future. But i am also painfully aware of this consuming groaning for change to be now. Somedays i feel like i would sacrifice anything for a shard of clarity, and often i just sacrifice far to much. I know i've broken the Lords heart, know that i continually break my own my heart, and all for little to show for it.
But i wonder if this is what real life is like. Trying to fight flesh and live in the spirit. Sometimes succeeding, sometimes failing.
The only criticism i received about my marathon came from one of the only people i really would have listened to anyways. She asked me why i didn't take my moment. My moment right after finishing. My moment for me. She said i started to take it, i started to cry, started to let myself relish, but then i turned to the crowd. I wish i had taken that moment now. I'm so bad at taking the moments to celebrate and appreciate and let myself be in the moment.
I've quit asking the Lord to reveal to me what he has in store for me. I've quit asking what's next, and in many ways, it's also been the end of hoping for anything to change. I'm not sure that's right, i'm not sure if that's completely spoken like someone defeated, but i do know it's different approach from what i've chosen the last several months. After the race i decided I'm done, as much as i'm able, crying over all the confusion and frustration and weight i've felt over the last several months. I'm tired of hashing out the hopelessness i feel in me.
I have to trust that the Lord can work through this mess of me. I'm not the Charissa anymore that displays an incredible amount of leadership and faith like during the bible school years. I'm not the Charissa who faithfully prays for the Lord to change the hearts of the ones she deeply loves with vigor and certainty. i'm not the Charissa who always felt like like there was more to give.
In many ways, i feel more like my a real person, myself in my rawest form, and it's not a beautiful sight. I'm closely aware of my fears and my failures that i ever have been. The reality of Christ in my life is powerful, and smaller and bigger than i've ever really understood before. I don't feel put together, and most days i feel like i'm barely hanging on at the hinges. I do question if the Lord has abandoned me, but somehow i'm simultaneously rooted in the truth that the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells richly, deeply, in me. I know that the Lord is using this time in my life intentionally. That somehow this hopeless job, this hopeless season, all this crushing uncertainty actually means something with intrinsically more value that i am able to understand. The last several years have been the means to some end - and i have to keep believing that for my own sanity.
I'm not praying for change anymore. I'm not even praying for the Lord to give me the strength and perseverance to walk through this season well. I think i might be beyond ever deserving the title of 'well'. I pray the Lord would continue to reveal himself to this ragged, rugged heart of mine. And he is. In finishing races. In morning sunshine. In births of beautiful bundles of promises. I am choosing to believe these things are just snapshots of what He has for me, and hoping for my own sake to let them sink in and make some difference in my everyday living.
I don't feel special or precious or worthy or pretty or valuable. My flesh is fighting my Spirit and my heart feels slashed within the middle. I feel very mediocre and i want to learn how to feel differently.
There is a quote out of an old book i love. Spoken by Josephine March. " I am not afraid of storms for i am learning to sail my ship." I'm not fearless in my confidence right now, but i know that i am indeed learning. and right now, that's all i can ask for.
No comments:
Post a Comment