Several months ago I sat at lunch with some ladies who really have become my Portland family. We all ordered our normal salads and a generous pile of sweet potato fries and joked about the idea of booking tickets to Hawaii. We decided to make it less of a joke and more of reality, and now, i sit from our deck over looking the gorgeous pacific ocean. And its raining right now. And its gorgeous.
The Lord never fails to bring all things - events, friendships, conversations and experiences - in His perfect timing. The sway in Hawaiian culture, vibrancy of color, welcoming bitterness of fresh coffee, the crispness of salt water in the early morning - these things breathe life and hope into my soul.
Shortly before leaving I had one of the best counseling sessions I've had yet. The beauty of meeting with Susie is i often leave with more questions than answers, but the questions are hopeful. Like finally i'm meeting the sets of questions that inspire forward movement instead of despondency.
This is one of the first times in years i feel a dramatic pull, a more settled feeling, a more cementing peace that my life is perfectly okay with where it is. Beyond a desire to accept the place i've found myself, there is less in me that is defensive and fighting and panicking about my future and the past that has affected it.
I've been reflecting on why arriving to this point has been so difficult. It seems so elementary - this idea of letting go, and living in the now, and trusting that the Lord that holds on more tightly to me than I necessarily hold to him, is bringing about his purpose for my life in His, in this, perfect timing. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that i have actively been struggling with this question for the last 3 years, and probably before that, although i couldn't have verbalized it then. I love the verse in Isaiah 46 - " My counsel shall stand and I will accomplish my purpose." This idea of 'perfect timing' obviously runs throughout scripture. I think of Jesus. I think about 'how in the fulness of His timing' Jesus ministry began. That was an implied wait. I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about the subject of waiting, and the normalcy of it, and contrast that with our culture right now with smart phones and the omnipresent wifi and how we are a culture that can't afford to wait at all. So often i see my own happiness contingent on the timing of events, accomplishments, and relationships.
I also think of loss. Of pain, of need, of relationship, of closeness. Of loneliness, of human touch for our hands and our hearts. That's made this season difficult. Having to hold on and wait for holes to be filled, that frankly, may be better left unfilled for this time. Timing and waiting makes those things so difficult to feel through.
Waiting is exponentially harder when i compare the trajectory of my life to those in my inner circle of life. Of course it's always easy to see her boyfriend, or her husband, or his perfect little kiddo. It's easy to see the successful careers of others and compare their clarity in direction to that of my own.
Its hard to grasp that the Lords calling in my life right now looks incredibly different to what i ever wanted, perceived, or what i view around me.
About a year ago i was asked a question that has continued to stir in my heart and my head. A dear friend of mine challenged me to ask the Lord to teach me what it means to dream. The conversation we had on the phone is so vivid to me. I realize now that moment mattered immensely to where i am right now. That question was asked when i let go of my plan for my life (although i must say i immediately fought to create a different plan in its stead), took a step in the very much unknown and moved to Portland. The difficulty of dreaming is that it's so closely intwined, if not completely interchangeable, with the idea of hope. And hope at the time happened to be ranked up there with a lot of other bad 4 lettered words in my book.
Things have slowly been shifting over the last couple months. And for that i have to thank the Lords devotion to moving and breaking and mending my heart heart, Susie, and several dear friends - Amanda, Caitie, Laura, Linda, and my dear roommates Justine and Megs - you are the best girlfriends i could ever ask for, and i am in your debt for the countless repeated conversations i put you through. Truly saints. I used to be (and still am from time to time if i'm honest) so frustrated with my job and my lack of career, and now i realize that this last year has been purposefully and actively kept slow. Its in this slowness, in this dryness, the same scenery that caused me such foreboding anxiety and endless frustration, that i now realize the Lord has been so present. So close. So intentional. And that does bring tears to this girl who has spent so much time fighting to understand why life, of which i have a deep love for, has seemed so gray for so long.
I can't explain this, but i know that all that dryness loosened my grip on my life and my life plan enough to really allow me to feel free from my own bondage of needing to keep myself 'on track.' And by on track, i mean being apart of something meaningful in my job, in my relationships, and in my calling in ministry. I realize now that God has graciously humbled me without completely destroying or humiliating me. By his grace, i slowing fighting less, and giving way more to the grace of living in the middle. The grace of living without knowing certainty of direction and plan. Graceful, hopeful uncertainty.
This freedom has made dreaming feel safe. Hope feels safe. Vibrant flowers and beautiful scenes are more closely related to the awesomeness of life instead of fleeting moments of beauty like they used to.
I'm learning, slowly, and it is good. This life right no is actually good. And that my friends, is a big deal for me.
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