I find a lot of beauty and life and encouragement in the small and simple things these days.

As one of my 2014 goals, I decided to spend more time cooking. Now to be fair, i haven't actually cooked a lot of anything, but i have spent a lot of time looking at cook books and magazines and online eating blogs as if i was that committed to carve time out of my days to actually salt and pepper and prep and bake and make. Its strange though because i find a peace and solace and reassurance that life will be fine by simply looking at food. So as it is Sunday, my day off and a day of rest, I am going to make some soda bread...if i don't spend too much time on my computer.

The simplicity of food and cooking and taking time has lead to really looking how i can simplify the other areas of my life that feel like they are sucking me dry. In the last years i have had a pretty interesting anxiety complex which transcends most areas of my life and most of my writing. My view of the past, my view of my job and normal job related challenges, seasons and weeks of dating and seasons and weeks of singleness, trying to find purpose and meaning in the everyday of being in the middle of my twenties when everything feels and looks unsettled.

I've now been in therapy for a little over two months. Its another thing to check off my 2014 list - lighten up and live with five events i never thought i would do. There is something highly helpful about having someone ask a series of 'right' questions pertaining to different areas of my life. It's incredibly reassuring to hear from someone else that is completely objective in your life "you are not crazy" and that she can see the hand of loving Jesus strong and surely. It's been a beautiful time of continued healing and release, learning to let go of the need for control over my life and circumstances.

She lead me through a prayer time on my lest session that is going to sound quite bizarre - it was called conception to birth prayer. essentially, she prayed over each month of my development as a baby using scripture - mostly psalms 139. Throughout the months she prayed against any strongholds of fear or anxiety and prayed for the freedom in Jesus to flow through every area of my life. Since that session a week ago, i have experienced a freedom from the panic and anxiety i have felt for so many months pertaining to my future, or perceived lack of it. I have felt a little more fullness, a little more excitement and hope towards whatever is ahead, far more certain that I have purpose and that this season of nothingness is extremely significant. More sure that i belong to Him, that I'm wanted and delighted in. A little more satisfied in this season of work and growth and cooking (even if it's a bit imaginative) and training for my marathon. A little more willingly to take myself less seriously, and to drop a few highly placed expectations.

I can't describe this very well,  but its like the Lord has literally picked me up and is moving me the right direction. It's not because i did anything right, but probably more because i was going the wrong direction. I feel more loved by the Lord Jesus in these last weeks than i ever have. I feel more hopeful and ceratin of an unforeseeable future.

I know this seems like a leap from all of that, but another huge step in release and freedom has been a conscious decision to quit Bridgetown, the church ive been attending downtown Portland since i moved here.  It's given me a chance to step away and evaluate what the Lord would have for me and ask of me in this area of my life. I think this is a season of letting Jesus really fill me - not church or church activities, or church people per say. It's a season where I shouldn't be giving or pouring out. This is a season to really let the Lord refresh all the brokenness and revive the dryness in my soul. I love the church, but i've never been one to be a sideline church goer, and it's been so painful these last months to sit in church where i'm told from the pulpit to give or prepare to give and not be in a place that I can. Giving myself permission to take a step back from it all has been so life giving. Its almost allowed me to really concentrate on the relationships that are already around me, and to concentrate on rest.

I write these things today in the middle of my day off in which I conveniently have no plans or commitments. I have fuzzy socks over painted toes, hair up and pajamas on. It's 4pm in the afternoon, and i'm listening to Phil Wickham, and about to draw a bath with a book written by a woman whose walked with Jesus for a very long time. She made it, and she's sharing her reflections with me. The ingredients for soda bread scatter the counter, and the dishes from my lunch are unscrubbed in the sink. This is me at rest, this is me being refilled, this is me at peace and me at joy. This is me taking a quiet moment away from the chaos of my job, and chaos of all the relationships that need to be checked up on. The apartment is quiet and lonely and completely fabulous.

Today i am happy. Nothing overly special, just a day that I'm more sure the Lord is for me, that He is greater than whats against me, that He delights in me, and that my life has purpose.

This is me healing. This is me knowing change is coming. This is Jesus working tangibly in my life.