WADC

Just a little snap shot of what the last week of my life has looked like. 'The Girls" sitting outside on George Washingtons back deck in Virginia. Washington DC was beautiful; and i can hardly wait to be able to go back and visit miss Caitie. I would move there in a heartbeat.

It was an absolutely beautiful vacation; exactly what my heart needed. \ Thanks to new friend Tyler, we were able to upgrade to a suite at the Renaissance, of which us girls enjoyed thoroughly. Salads from Cosi, two bottles of wine, dark chocolate, chocolate peanutbutter M&Ms and five and half hours worth of talking made that evening memorable. I laughed till i cried; something i don't remember doing since Capernwray with Charity. I couldn't have asked for a better vacation.

The days seem to keep rolling on, and each day i find myself just a bit more okay with life as i'm living it. Still feeling incredibly unsure as to what i want to do with my life, i always struggle to connect with others - especially those that are beginning to 'live their career dream'. Oddly enough though, they seem to enjoy the stability but find it confusing at the same time. Huh.

It was so good to spend time with old friends and to be able to meet some new ones too. In a strange sort of way, i found it encouraging to meet other young people who LOVE Jesus. This is an ignorant thing to say, but you do kinda doubt they are out there when your pond is more like a puddle. I loved meeting girls that defined classy and gentlemen that held the door, purchased appetizers at dinner for the group just to be nice, and made sure your car mechanical issues were completely solved before they left and drove away. It was a strange encouragement to my heart that continues to penetrates days later. The things said and done were small, loving gestures but they shined the love of Jesus. I just haven't met such lovely enthusiasm and genuine quality of care for others in such a long time. Totally refreshing.

Pause: My mother, my father and myself are all listening to Lady Antebellum in separate rooms. Priceless.

Anyways, my heart has reached a new plateau of peace with the disappointments and pains of the last year. The Lord is always gracious and kind. Letting go of the person you love deeply and accepting that 3 years of hard work poured into an organization that now couldn't feel more distant is incredibly difficult. I've been able to come to peace with those two seperate issues in a way that i hadn't several weeks ago. That is the Lords goodness to me. I trust he will bring me to a place of complete submission of all the dreams and hopes and finally be able to put all things aside to embrace openly my awaiting future. What a beautiful day it will be to understand how my past has brought me to my present.

Letting things go is difficult, especially when your head and heart won't collide on the issue. In my head I've accepted that he isn't coming back, and therefore ready to embrace a different future then i had previous imagined. But my heart doesn't hold the same certainty. Its loyalty has been compromised, and confused. My heart is not ready to embrace a future with somebody else, but knows that waiting is going to land me nowhere but hurt and frustrated.

With that said, i've decided to 'move on' is foolish idealism. To love is to invest, and where you invest deeply you invest yourself - an investment with no reimbursement. Love by it's nature seeks union, and that is a bond not easily broken. Love by design hopes and endures through all things (1 corinthians 13), so of course its confusing to try and feed your heart messages of 'letting go' and 'moving on'. I can't fool myself into thinking a day will come when those precious tears, moments of laughter, and feelings of compassion will matter no more. My heart will always bear a scar - and better the beautiful scars of love than those of heart wrenching regret.

My time is in the Lords hands. He will guide and work my heart through confusion.

I am so thankful for what the Lord is doing in my life. I have fabulous friends who love and encourage me to live every moment of my life. I have a family who loves me. The Lord is working in my life, and his dealings with me are not weak. I am so grateful the Lord is so much more committed to me and my heart than i am. I am living in the middle of what He has for me; it's glamour matters little. I am the daughter of the King, precious, holy, and dearly loved. I have no reason to fear - the darkness of the night or the hopelessness of the moment. The Lord is bringing about a greater purpose.

And one day, when i stand on hinds feet, i will see how He was working significantly each step of the way.

How beautiful it is that our Savior takes thought of us - psalm 40.

I am so undeserving of such extravagant graces.