Portland

I had coffee with a friend months ago who introduced me to a little cafe tucked in Northwest called Breken Kitchen. There are several reasons why I love this little cafe.

1) the coffee is amazing
2) the food is homemade, rustic, and fabulous
3) REALLY decently priced.
4) I always leave challenged.

I love that place. If you are a Portlander, go. I've been quiet there, laughed my head off, and cried my eyes out. I've obnoxiously talked on the phone for hours, and moved locations in the big sitting room because i had multiple friend dates in the same day. The moments i've been the most honest and raw about my doubts and my worries and my ugliness have happened in those chairs - sometimes sitting across from someone, sometimes alone.

The first time i visited all those months ago, my friend shared her story of how she believed the Lord brought her to Portland to heal her. Not from physical ailments, but from the deep pain and isolation she felt in her heart. Being from the Sunshine state, Portland hadn't been an easy transition, but the Lords plan was so much greater than she could have asked for.

I think of that conversation now and the truth that's been in my own life. It's one year ago tomorrow that i packed my bags and moved to this city. One year ago i thought things were about to get a whole lot easier, and then they got a whole lot harder. I can hardly believe that a year ago i pulled into Deb Osborne's driveway with a couple plastic baskets and boxes and started something completely new - removed from my family and my normal routine. As with any big change, we usually are so unaware of what we actually sign on for.

It's been a year of surprises. Of challenges that surprised me, of questions that ambushed me, of encouragements i never knew my heart needed. I started a job i never thought i wanted and landed the biggest promotion i've ever been offered. I ran a marathon, started counseling, bought a couple cookbooks, booked some vacations and accomplished goals that seems adultish - like learning to cook, getting a second credit card, buying 6 months of car insurance at a time and writing an actual budget. I'm still learning to stick to the budget.

Frankly, i'm surprised. I'm surprised how much i discovered i needed to grow, and let go, and sort through, and surprised at how much progress i've made in those areas. I am so glad i was honest enough with myself about feeling disillusioned and scared and bitter over the past and the future, and glad further that those things pointed me to counseling, to my knees, to the gospel, to the core truth of who Jesus is. I'm glad i've written and talked honesty and vulnerably with my counselor and with friends about the pressure i've felt to live up to the expectation of who i wanted to be, and who i am now. I'm thankful further to my girls who have loved me just the same, regardless of how depressing and frustrating it was to listen too. AL, JP, KD, CO, LL, NC, AH, LG,  JP, MK - I'm not sure how i would have made it through some of those weeks and nights without your prayers, your listening ears, your emails and texts of encouragement. You girls are my people. Honorable mention to AP - you have been a brother to me through the hardest of days, and never once made me feel pathetic about my tears. I'm so grateful for your friendship - for watching out for me and reassuring me in ways only a brother/male figure can.

I am thankful the Lord has stuck closer to my side than i ever counted on. In the last months, i haven't ever experienced the Lords presence more clearly or genuinely. I used to think that honest and ugly questions and rash, frustrated feelings put distance between the Lord and I. But what I now know is it's in that space the Lord was able to prove to me just how much greater His love and grace for me is. His presence extended to parts of my heart that really weren't reachable. Those ugly tears have been a blessing to me. Although i wouldn't want to relive those sleepless nights of confusion, isolation, and pain again, this year has radically changed me, and for the better.

I'm not sure why the Lord directed my steps to this city. But I do know He has healed me here. He is healing me here. Healing to a more whole version of myself. His work in my life has happened in the small moments. Decaf Americanos at Breken, jogs in forest park. Silent tears on the MAX, quiet, snuggly mornings with my roommates. Rain falling loudly, rhythmically, outside my open window and late night tea in bed with Shuana Niequist books. Long walks along cannon beach, and lavender-epsom salt baths (many of them). Heavy red wines, blended raspberry margaritas, sweet potato fries, fresh lime with cilantro and salsa and corn chips by the bucket full. Phone dates with friends far away, and steaming coffee with new friends here. Benches by the pond, and Pumpkin's constant presence. Waiting traffic thoughts, and songs whose lyrics speak life and feeling to my soul.
Life happened there - those moments where the sunshine, the soil, the water for all the Lord has been cultivating in me.

I am blessed. I am blessed that His truth is gripping to my heart in a way i haven't mustered on my own strength. The goodness of the Lord truly does follow us friends, and what a blessing it is that His Word remains true no matter how much we wander. He has made me glad in the midst of the mess, and to Him be the praise.